|Reviews for Magician's Blood|
| cud-b-better chapter 8 . 1/11/2016
A brilliant chapter, and it seems I misunderstood the exempts at the end, I thought it was regarding Elicia. Anyway that father glaring at lyric seems to shout to me that there is even more to the boy than we currently don't know. Either that or the father is evil. So many things seem to be on their plates but I felt that part about realising the boy's home world being the clue was a bit farfetched really. How on earth does the wraith even know what Lyric's homeworld is? Let alone leaving such a weak cryptic message.
Now I really want to know more about these wraiths, please write the next chap soon.
| cud-b-better chapter 7 . 1/6/2016
A nice fight scene but Josh ruined the mood. sob. I'm more on the Elicia x Renault ship at the moment. Well the church seems to desire power and influence for its own goals. Looks like I was wrong about the darkpowder, but I wonder if this substance has something for why Renault is capable of the feats he pulls, or am I letting my imagination run all over again. But a great chapter, I for some reason get the feeling someone is going to die, just hope it's neither the MCs, I'm guessing Lyric. I wonder if Elicia is going to betray the church, I want to know more about the Valvicin Lords and their ideas just because I can see there being more to them than being some sort of evil. Conflicting ideals and a dark history. Let my imagination run wild, curses to many things I want to know and to little that I do. You managed to entertain throughout this entire sitting Kisho so kudos to you there.
Till next time. (Sorry I kind of went off on my own tangents).
| cud-b-better chapter 6 . 1/6/2016
Well a dark premonition. Just what does this wraith want with Elicia to call her out, and just how did it figure she would come to such a remote region. Well considering the fact of the way it seems to be trying to call out, doesn't it already scream a white one, beast types won't be able to think that well. I'm guessing the powder turns magician's into wraiths and this caused the apprentice to become one (I love making conspiracies and then learning just how wrong I am). I wasn't too pleased with that part with the father asking about the kid's faith, throwing someone out just because he doesn't believe the same thing as you, hardly the most kind thing to be done, and very unfitting of a priest. I'm glad Elicia picks up on all this, I really wish she voiced her dissatisfaction rather than just think it. Put the stoic priest in his place already. The two ending lines tell more story than a full chapter, the way you can make me imagine with so little is brilliant.
| cud-b-better chapter 5 . 1/6/2016
Well reread everything from beginning somewhat upset that there was no fight, but I maybe speaking too soon. I feel Lyric is somewhat suspicious but no idea why, probably overthinking it a bit. I think Elicia and Renault make quite a combo and they somewhat play off each other. I feel that Renault's anti magic can be taken in the literal sense with what happened to the web. Will he be a kamijou-kun clone? Nah I doubt it. The ending sentences I feel have some of the biggest impacts within the story, alternatively the stating full date and time seems almost pointless although I know you're going for the sci fi feel, so it will probably be okay for those who love the genre.
I get the feeling that the enemy is going to be affiltrated with the church, just a feeling, I also sense that there is a lot more to them than meets the eye. Such is the nature for anything and everything that grows too big, it's destined to have skeletons in its closet.
Anyway just a minor typo I noticed on the previous chapter:
She drew [he] sword and swept - [her]
You've reminded me just why I love reading your stuff Kisho.
| ZekeFreek chapter 3 . 1/4/2016
So it's starting to look like the Church is being set-up to be in the wrong here. It's hard to throw words like "heretics" around without raising suspicions of religious cleansing. That in itself is nice, but I'm struggling to find the real hook of this story. It's the set-up of a plot, but that doesn't make it inherently interesting.
If I had some advice to give, it's to remember to give the audience something grounded. This kind of set-up is thrusting us into an unfamiliar world with unfamiliar people and concepts. It makes sense in-universe for characters to not explain the meaning of every jargon term as they already know it. And to be fair, there isn't a lot in this story thus far that can't be inferred. But the principle remains.
Maybe this just isn't my sort of thing.
| ZekeFreek chapter 2 . 1/4/2016
Space church in space is space church in space.
It's interesting to see a church seemingly based around magic, as they tend to be anti-magic. Witch burnings, templars and all that.
I'm not really a fan of mixing sci-fi and fantasy, and it annoys me people seem to keep trying to shove them together into one genre these days. I think it's because although they are similar in some ways, they tend to vary greatly in their goals and story-telling methods.
Similar elements with very different mindsets. And I'm not yet sure where this story falls. This is such a matter of fact introduction that it's again, hard to comment on. The prose is nice enough but the scene lacks any kind of energy or hook. Probably because it revolves around militaristic zealots, not known for being particularly lively.
The writing is technically competent, but the story presented thus far doesn't seem to be my thing. We'll see.
| ZekeFreek chapter 1 . 1/4/2016
This feels like trailer narration, so there isn't a whole lot of comment on.
I guess I can tell you from experience that these kinds of vague premise-explaining intros are a pretty big deterrent to potential readers for whatever reason. If I have one regret about MtO, it's starting it the way I did.
People tend to consider whether to press on or leave at the end of a chapter, so you should give them something to convince them to stay. I think the biggest mistake a writer can make is overestimating a reader's patience. They are rather fickle.
| M.R. Hill chapter 6 . 12/31/2015
- This kid is blasé to space travel? …A part of me wants to not trust him all the more due to how unusual this seems, but then again… hmm…
- Would like to see an internal sensation again at comment about it frustrating her as opposed to just labeling it.
- I feel a simple comma would work after wryly instead of a dash. A dash feels too powerful, calling too much attention, and breaks the rhythm of the thought.
- ["I see." Father Daunox didn't sound surprised.] …And I don’t trust this boy all the more! Something is up with him, I’m sure of it!
- "I received a report from the nearest Church to Aris. Apparently, they'd sent a magician to Aris just a day before it went dark. It seems that magician is our prime suspect."
- Unknown material, huh? The questions keep piling up and up! Well, certainly loving it still here in Act I! :D
- No need for quotation marks around end call, can just call it the end call button.
- Do like that touch of worry from Elicia about Lyric’s fate if he lacked faith!
- They cover up such encounters? All the more curious why they wouldn’t want people to know I mean, can understand not wanting to disrupt the peace, but at same time, wouldn’t want people unaware of dangers. …Then again, given description of what they’ve caused, I can more than understand panic they’d incite.
- [No one ever spoke of what Elicia did to finally kill the White Wraith, called Heron.] …I wonder if whatever happened to her mentor ties into this.
- Huh, hadn’t considered the possibility that it’s sending a message to Elicia, though then I wonder how the wraith would know that Elicia of all people was going to respond to that situation to find things there. …Of course, could just leave it there for whomever and hope word gets back to her. …Or hell, maybe would have kept killing until she showed.
- Darkpowder?! The hell’s darkpowder?! I NEED MORE! Glad we got a name for it, adds to sense of progress IMO.
| Boomer Kid chapter 5 . 12/27/2015
First off, great to see you back and writing. *salutes* May you continue to power on.
I haven't read much of your previous hit DZ! but I can smell another deliciously vast universe at your disposal. This verse seems to have religion as a prevalent thing, and I'm eager to see the heretics who're against Him. Hehe. I wonder if the followers of the Valvicin Lords or something, dunno much about either of them yet, seek to overthrow this Him god to make way for da new- i mean, ancient Gods! I guess them being called heretics at least hint on some disbelief or antagonism towards Him. I wonder if the power of the "anti-mage" or Wraiths originates or is partly inspired from Valvicin or Valvicin powers or something, but then again, I need to read more. So write more. *w* Maybe Wraiths is Valvicin and "anti-mage" is... power of the mortals!
But yeah, sci-fi meshed with fantasy, sounds like Kisho. Wonder how many crucial planets we're gonna see and of which allegiances. Also, difference in tech and magix, always fun to create!
Enuf lulz thinking I can speculate on shiz, but Elicia DA RAVEN sounds like a prodigious young blonde super soldier. *w* This Renault fella looks handsome; I guess that's power of the mortals for you. The pilot/anti-mage and the soldier magician make for a duo with potential chemistry of explosive fireworks, but dayum do they talk in such a grand tone most of the time to me. Space opera vibes? I approve of space opera vibes. Renault seems to have a thing against some of the magix, and Elicia definitely is a super veteran soldier with the lost comrades she's had. Still, no problem with checking out handsome anti-mage I guess.
Now dis Lyric. The skeptic in me obviously marks him as a possible suspect of being the Wraith here, but I wouldn't be surprised if his knowledge and history is genuine either. Such resolve. It's believable that people of some planets or territories or sumthing do not know the protocol to deal with such apparently rare and mythical beings like Wraiths, if there is any protocol in the first place. Awaiting Wraith fight too, so write moar.
The monologue-ing at the end of each chapter, buu i dunno who's saying it! Is it anti-mage dude? Is it Elicia secretly going against the Galactic Empire? Is it Wraith? Is anti-mage actually a Wraith too but a good guy Wraith? Does Father Daunox have ambitions to be Galactic Emperor? Such lulz questions.
Anyway, I say write moar and yes, pls write moar, but have fun too. *w*b Keep it up. Some uber space opera sci-fi/fantasy epic in the making here. Then one day we'll see Kishofilms with DZ! and Magician's Blood.
| M.R. Hill chapter 5 . 12/25/2015
-["You think it's strange, don't you, Raven." Renault asked at one point, as Elicia paced another empty room, a launching port for one of the small hovercraft used to navigate the main pit.] I do believe you meant to place a question mark there!
-["I'm not unaccustomed to strange," Elicia said wrily.] I do believe you meant wryly here.
-Looking through, this one so far seems to be a bit more rough with some of punctuation and such, though understandable given that this one is a new chapter and it’s been some time since you wrote.
-Oh shit, magician still around?! Also, something I haven’t commented on yet, I do like how competent at this these two have come across to me so far.
-Your skills as a suspense writer are really great. You have anticipation and dread down really well, as I’m seriously anticipating what’s going to happen here and dreading the showdown. You’ve been pacing this well by showing up the steps leading into this and making the sentences do two, hell, three possible things. It sets the suspenseful atmosphere, as mentioned, you’re really painting a great picture of this setting, and also again your blocking is doing a great job elaborating on what the battlefield is before any conflict picks up, which I think would make it all the better to see how you actually use it, if/when a fight break out.
-[It was a weak presence.] I actually think it would be nice to hear more about what the physical or mental sensation a magician gives off is like here. Wouldn’t do nothing major, but I feel it can add even more to immersion here.
-[Elicia felt a confident rush of adrenaline.] Another spot I feel would be better if you showed us her feeling it, like perhaps her heart beating faster or muscles tensing for action. I think it would add more to immersion there and just the suspense. That little thing aside, again, edge of the seat riding!
-…So not trusting this boy. Still, nice to see Elicia’s reaction to seeing him and to immediately go to comforting. How she handles this is really sweet, but yeah, I’m worried this is a con of some sorts.
| M.R. Hill chapter 4 . 12/25/2015
- Alright, again, I love these retrieving entries thing! It just gives me the vibe of this all being framed on a computer or something and we’re loading up an entry in it. I mean, I know technically what actually doing, but it’s just how I feel as a framing device.
- Damn Elicia, I’m feeling for you. :( The entire thing with her Raven status and the misfortune that comes with it is well established and using the description here as a lead in to her thoughts on it and what it revealed about her past.
- You, you get worldbuilding & history just right! You hint at just the right places without giving away everything to build greater suspense, you don’t do too much or too little. Loving his! And now wondering what misfortune fell upon her mentor. I imagine it’s something she blames herself for.
- "My story is my own," he said. "Just as yours is your own." RENAULT, YOU MYSTERIOUS BASTARD, TELL ME!
- You’re usually great a showing instead of telling, a few spots would maybe consider ossibly touching up, but don’t know. Still, at [The questions were maddening.], I do feel you’d be better off showing her internal reaction as opposed to telling us that. That aside, the internal dialogue that followed was great, especially with that addition of before he vanished, like everyone.
- With the rest, I am on the edge of my seat! You did a great lead in to set the picture here with them landing and such, then their investigation of what’s going on really drew me in more since I already want to know what’s going on. Again, no real complains, I’m having fun!
| M.R. Hill chapter 3 . 12/24/2015
- Oh cool, a new character! Well Renault certainly intrigues me more now
- Good progression here so far! I am liking Elicia so far, the way she thinks plus her attitude has a nice spark to things. You give just enough that she has a distinct personality, but none of it comes off as irritating or smug or so forth. Given her reputation for finding trouble, I am all the more hyped for what comes next! Also, the talk of her being a Raven is well weaved into this in a way that feels really organic and I do like that your world building is done by focusing on a character and letting it grow out. Going through this, it's a smooth progression that even I can't really complain about.
- Not sure what I feel about Daunox yet... he's been a bit shady to me so far, but it could just be because Elicia doesn't seem to like him and I'm immersed in her. Which, speaking of, you've done a good job at that too. I'm also interested in Renault here, what does he want and his story as whole thing with magician's blood and his attitude really snagged me.
| M.R. Hill chapter 2 . 12/24/2015
Alright, the first thing I feel I absolutely must compliment throughout this is your blocking. Blocking, in case you're unaware, is the way you make the reader aware of where they are standing, where they are moving, and where they are in relation to one another and other objects. You've done marvelous blocking throughout this, weaving things really well into painting a vivid picture. The way you approach description is well done as well and everything make for a clear picture.
There are some issues with past and present tense at some points from what I can tell, should aim for a bit more of a consistency there. That aside though, really got absorbed into this scene and a crisp read.
I'm really intrigued by mentions of the resistance, the failure in her past, this guy she has a crush on (good way of showing there with her reactions and such), and just lead into everything here. This is a really great start and I'm sold on reading more!
| M.R. Hill chapter 1 . 12/24/2015
I'm liking this use of the prologue here! It's swiftly done, none of it feels like it drags on, and really did a great job of setting a chilling tone to this. I find myself really intrigued to learn more here really, plus the "Initiating..." at the beginning really draws me in with this. My curiosity has been sufficiently piqued!
| Nori-san chapter 5 . 12/22/2015
I’ve read it before on the train to work but here’s the (long delayed) review of Magician’s Blood!
Maybe it’s just me, but I find the latest chapter to be a lot detailed and ‘cleaner’(?) than the previous chapter. Really love how you used words to direct the cinematic within the world. The dialogues, although full of details I am currently unsure of, provides valuable insight of how advanced the world was and how were trades made.
Magic silk…is it a barrier meant to prevent non-magic users from entering? But woah Elicia is the perfect Wraith magnet. They totally dig her seeing how normal it felt for Elicia to be encountering them despite being an aberrant rarely seen by many.
Renault, I have a feeling you’ve sort of foreshadowed this with Elicia’s comment of him being an Anti-mage. I think he really is one. No, I believe he’s one! Probably the type that breaks down magic components in molecular levels. Certainly, I’m getting curious of what Renault could do in a combat with magicians w
If there’s a name to the boy, I’m guessing he’s most likely an important cast in this particular arc. I think you have some structuring error though at the part:
“My father told me, they cannot…” that particular sentence should most likely be:
“My father said that I should hide in an engine because magicians aren’t able to register readings from it” …or somewhere along that line. But I guess it could be due to an accidental error of inserting an additional word.
And also at the part where Lyric described the Wraith, I think it’s fine to omit the additional ‘and shot’ because it felt a bit jarring when going through the sentence. I hope I don’t sound like a nitpicky editor from hell ;;
I knew it! Elicia must’ve been betrayed by the order before or something! Well, it was certainly an interesting read, the best among the five chapters! I’m really happy to get the opportunity to get a taste of what you have for us and it’s certainly a pleasure :)
Let’s get this show on the road!