|Reviews for Intimate Pursuit|
| Robert Benson chapter 3 . 8/30
Sorry, but I just can't continue with it. I'd say you're less than halfway to being a competent writer. There are writing mechanics you're not getting right (how to do dialog punctuation), some words/phrases are just wrong ("might as well" is not mineaswell), you're forgetting important details in your story line, you don't know facts that should inform parts of your story (private flights don't go through public terminals and their security), and you're always over-explaining how someone is thinking or feeling (let the characters grow more slowly on us, and let their actions show who they are). All of this makes for a very hard read because it's choppy, weird, and too verbose. It also means the characters aren't believeable, they don't come across as real people.
It desperately needs a thorough edit (probably a rewrite would be better). How many drafts have you done? It may not be a first, but I'd guess it needs two more.
Despite my criticisms, I can tell you've got enthusiasm, and that's good. Don't give up, but get out the "in love with your MS." phase. Be critical, and thoughtful of your own work. Also, read other good novels to see how it's done. Good luck!
| Moriah98 chapter 22 . 8/29
Please update soon, I've been following this story since you first posted it, and I really want to read the entirety of it. You're an incredible writer too!
| RGBenson chapter 2 . 8/29
"hidden intercoms" should be hidden speakers
"maitre-d" should be maitre d'
"atypical hired goon" should be typical hired goon; atypical means not-typical
"amount of people" should be number of people; people are counted, not measured
"I'll been gone" should be "I'll be gone"
"heavily undisclosed" makes no sense; delete heavily
"then they won't try" should be will try
This is Ch. 1, and you've already forgotten in Prologue you said the client was to be the daughter? Better fix first mention.
Needs a really good edit. Too much extraneous color added which doesn't help and makes it choppy. Quotes need work. These changes will make the story flow more smoothly.
| RGBenson chapter 1 . 8/29
Clearly it needs a REALLY good edit! A few obvious errors are:
"finest important scotch" should be finest imported scotch
"mineaswell" should be might as well
"I suppose your right" should be I suppose you're right
Example of how to write a proper dialog (see the last one):
"I gotta go get dressed for the gym. I'll see you when you get home tonight," he grumbled. Karen opened her mouth ...
| MJ chapter 22 . 7/23
Psst hey haha. AJ's bday is on Sunday :). Can you give her a shout out? Thank you if you can.
| Carmel March chapter 22 . 6/26
I was so happy to see a new chapter for this story, I've missed it! I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm excited to see how things are going to wrap up. Thanks for posting :)
| MJ chapter 22 . 6/25
YOU'RE ALIVE YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! I was going to cry because I was like, " she promise me she wouldn't leave :(" but you're back. So I had to remember, with the help of AJ, what the heck was going on then it made sense. I wanted to hurt Michael sooo bad, that traitor. Leave my Connor and Lorna alone! When Connor finally admitted his true feelings for Lorna I was like, "YASS" took him long enough. Also when Connor call Holly the c word I was like "DAMN!". I really hope Connor's plan works and Michael and maybe Julius dies. "I do what I want and say what I want with no apologies"-Empire. Keep writing please :).
| AJ chapter 22 . 6/25
I'm just glad you are alive. I was getting really worried about you and would have made a long chain of comments until you would say you're alright lol.
Now to the story, I like this chapter. Nothing to be ashamed about it. Michaels being a cold piece to everyone! He was one of my favs too. THANK GOD Connor is now truly admitting to Lorna that he wants to be in her world forever. Now it's official! Woot! Can't wait for the last two chapter. I so hope Vito doesn't die. He seems to be a good guy and stays quiet when needs be.
PS Weeeeeeell to make up for MJ and I, you could write up that story of Antoine and his wife *shifty eyes* Lol, jk. I'm sorry XD
| AJ chapter 21 . 2/5
Just letting you know. MJ and I really miss you. Hope you are doing well.
| Carmel March chapter 21 . 12/27/2014
So sorry for the late review! I finally had time to sit down and read this chapter and all I can say is that I need more now! I can't wait to see how all this finishes up! :)
| MJ chapter 21 . 12/4/2014
Soo my birthday is on Monday...can we all have a update? Please? (Puppy dog face) that would be a awesome present. :)
| AJ chapter 21 . 11/24/2014
Yeah, I told MJ to review again because usually when she does, you come back XD
God I fucking hate Loraine -_- I SOOOOOO hope that Mikey will tell Lorna that he really is her father and they will get a test to prove it. God I really hope so!
PLEASE DON'T MIA AGAIN, NAGIANA!
| MJ chapter 21 . 11/24/2014
YOU'RE ALIVE! I been waiting so long for the hahaha (threw homework to oblivion) this was such a good and heart clenching chapter for real. I was tearing up like a punk over here lol cause its sad the situation with Lorna's real dad. Also WHY YOU LEAVE WITH A CLIFFHANGER?! I don't like that hahaha because I'm scared you going to go MIA again lol please don't. Great chapter update soon.
P.S some credit goes to AJ because we were talking about messaging you to update please so I did it :). On another topic...MY ANACONDA DONT WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS HUN lol. Just messing around over here XD.
| beverlyamethyst16 chapter 21 . 11/24/2014
Oh wow, I really feel for him. That was so sad :(
I'm glad you're back! :D
| DoubleLove chapter 21 . 11/24/2014
I've missed your updates! Why does every good writer have to get busy with life?
This is a good story and I really want to read the rest of it so hurry up and post more chapters!