|Reviews for Above the Wired Surface|
| Ckh chapter 2 . 10/1/2017
"maybe if he gets reviews he'll keep writing" - TSB
That said, this is good stuff
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/13/2015
You once saved my life when I couldn't save myself. I don't have the courage to tell you to your face and this is the only way I can. But thank you so much.
I follow your very step, every move, even the creeped-out face you have at the moment. If I only had brought my camera...
You are beautiful in every way. Don't let yourself down, because you are perfect. The way you smile, the way you love, the way you scrunch your face up while pooping... 3
Look out your window.
| Time And Space In The Balance chapter 2 . 2/3/2015
I love the whole thing. It's so surreal, so strange. I like the minimalist nature of the place where Juko lives, and quite honestly can't wait to find out what's going to happen. Everything is so realistic - it seems perfectly sincere, especially the Letter From God, which is not only hilarious but paints a really good picture of his character. However, the best bit is clearly Stetson, who is actually my favourite character in just about anything. Keep up the good work!
| Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 10/26/2014
Couple paragraphs in and I can see that your writing has improved markedly since Maple March. I feel like there's still some residual awkwardness of phrasing, but it's much more limited. More importantly, you've retained and improved that trademark first person style of yours. I still can't quite articulate what makes it so unique, but there's a certain aura of observation and distance that sets your narrators apart.
Okay, with all that praise, I'm not gonna let you go without some criticism. If you show me better writing, I'm gonna hold you to a higher standard.
"Get out, please." I say to the man.
Needs to be a comma after please, not a period. I don't have the time to go over this in specific detail, and the guide I used to recommend to people no longer exists, but now's the time to work on your dialogue punctuation. I suggest working with someone like Kisho to hammer out all the details.
"An abrupt answer... I'd never be able to answer." This whole paragraph. I like it. I like it a lot. But I'd like it more if it were an analogy the narrator is actually capable of making. At this point I don't know if he has the necessary knowledge to make those analogies. First person narration has stricter demands on what kind of information you can include in your prose.
"The room we're in is... midway of the halls." Again, same concern as above.
I'll leave you with some overall thoughts. Very impressed with the setting and story concept you've outlined in this first chapter. You have a very good idea on your hands and I like the direction you're going with it. I'm being left with questions about what's going on, and as opposed to questions about what's going on arising from incoherence of prose, these are the good kinds of questions. Questions like, "How does this world work?" or "What exactly is the wired surface?" Excellent job.
If you brush up on some of the stuff I mentioned above, I think your writing goes to the next level. You're pretty much already there, but the small things make a difference.
| DevilPogoStick chapter 2 . 10/26/2014
Stetson is a piece of work, I will give him that.
I do enjoy Juko's curiosity of how this world of his really works, outside his usual POV. As well as Stetson's remarks and responses...Amusing really. Hell, now I wonder if Stetson will bite the bullet once someone finds out about him, as with most mentor typed characters...Don't die Stetson! QAQ
Keep it up!
| DevilPogoStick chapter 1 . 10/26/2014
I'll admit, this is something I did not expect.
A dialogue heavy kind of story where...it takes a good amount to focus on. I have read a lot of dystopian works and this one reminds me of them. A rather dull guy seemingly goes through his life without much thought and then he runs into something out of the ordinary...Which leads to a lot of shit coming down on him soon.
...You better not pull a Winston of Juko, I will be sadden by this XD.
Keep it up!
| Clear World chapter 1 . 10/26/2014
As a first chapter, I can see you trying to build up a lot of mystersy within the chapter, and there is a lot of world building, but since there is not much to go on because so much of it is vauge, I don't really don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling while reading this.
I should be interested, but right now, I don't really have an idea on what I should be latching to right now. Your main character Juko, is decent and Stetson is good right now. Nothing popping out for me, but then again, nothing bad. Actually, really good overall with Juko's narration.
But overall, for a first chapter, not really interesting for me but well done.
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 10/26/2014
Very intriguing but I'm kind of confused exactly what is going on. Is the world juko was in meant to be some sort of haven whilst the world god resides is barren or something? I'm kind of interested where you're going with this but the setting in interesting at the very least. Wonder if he is going to meet god.
| xXxd chapter 1 . 10/26/2014
Apart from the setting which I could not make heads or tails out of, the narrations and descriptions reflect Juko's monotonous and controlled routine.
The explanation for Juko's lack of reaction towards the new environment made sense. Though, probably because of his lack of urge to venture (at least that was how I felt), the ending doesn't really hook me.
| cmaej chapter 2 . 10/25/2014
*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*
Okay, I'm done procrasterbating. /punted
I didn't expect the world above the wire to be so isolated. I was expecting Juko to find himself in a regular city or town. Maybe their god does have some sort of divine powers to control his environment. I'm still not sold, though. I still think this god is as human as Juko and Stetson.
I see you didn't leave Juko's choice as a cliffhanger, but now I'm suddenly concerned for him. It seems like he is a threat to the normal way of life, but why give him that ability in the first place? Was the God simply bored, and decided toy with a select few to see what happens?
| Starart152 chapter 2 . 10/25/2014
It is another good chapter. The interactions with the two characters are interesting and the being, God, is still full of mysteries right now.
The description of the surface is interesting and his analyst are also good. I also wondered about all the emotions awakening in Juko.
| cmaej chapter 1 . 10/24/2014
This scene reminds me of The Simpson's Tree House of Horror where Lisa grew a small society in a dish and they worshiped her as god. I have a feeling that their God is some ordinary person; probably not the smartest or richest, either. I almost think that the entire society is just some social experiment that lasted generations, and Juko is chosen as the nature vs. nurture lab rat. But how do they not ever feel pain? I have a hard time believing that their god has genuine godly powers. Maybe it's sci-fi stuff.
| ZekeFreek chapter 1 . 10/23/2014
Intriguing. Though I'm not sure you adequately portrayed just how isolated Juko and company are. His inner thoughts reference things he shouldn't know about given his circumstances.
If you're going to portray a world as a closed box, so to speak, it would be prudent to set the barriers first. As it is, there's very little solid ground to stand on because I don't know the limitations of his knowledge or experience. And if I don't know that, how can I feel the significance of expanding them?
Well written, though I'm not a fan of untagged dialogue, for the moment it was atleast easy enough to follow. There are a few missing words here and there though.
| DappledKarma chapter 1 . 10/23/2014
I'm not really sure how to feel about this. Some of Juko's thoughts are strange to me, like he muses on things that a person in his position wouldn't really think about. For example, he mentions how he doesn't feel any shock or other emotions when he's in the wooden cottage and asks if there's something wrong with himself. Maybe it's just me, but he's way too self-aware, even if he is introspective. Although, to be fair, it seems evident that he (and I'm gonna assume all the people living under the wired surface) has been brainwashed imperfectly into hardly feeling anything, and he's cracking through the programming. That could explain it, but right now it just feels weird watching Juko think about such things.
I pretty much have no clue what's going on, but that's okay since this is the beginning. The way the story is written gives off a strange and mechanical feeling, which personally I'm not fond of, but I can imagine others feeling allured to the story exactly because of that. I suppose depending on how you go about explaining the why's and how's of this world (if you choose to do so), I'll look back at this chapter fondly. For now, I'm just confused. It was a decent read though. Nice amount of description, and the writing style and premise are unique. I'm reminded of a mix between Battle Angel Alita, 1984 (according to what I've heard about it; haven't actually read it yet XD), and the Hunger Games (minus all the violence of all these series. lol)
It's implied he's been living below the wired surface his whole life if he once mentions he has always wanted to go above the wired surface, but why would that thought come to him, if he feels nothing?
| Sage Young chapter 1 . 10/22/2014
An introductory chapter for the most part, but the minuscule interaction between Juko and Stetson left me with a very personal yet equally distant journey from start to finish. It feels like we're inside Juko's head sometimes.
I don't really know what to make of the premise, because it is so different/unique. I can't exactly say it's interesting to me either because of the same thing. It is not understandable and that makes it strange and somewhat thought-provoking/forgettable/alien.
One question that came up a few times for me was the fact that Juko seemed to know things he shouldn't. Things like Cobblestone or stagnant water. If he had been living in a sanctuary how does he recognize those things immediately? I assume this from the first-person perspective(from all the self-tagged expressions and reactions and the use of 'I'). Perhaps it was that 'Holy text' mentioned that taught him of those things?
Also, there seems to be a sub-conscious part of Juko's mind that makes itself known through monologues and soliloquy but is often held back by some sort of programming that makes him do the routine things he do. Usually it's the voice that's doing the complaining, but why does he complain when he doesn't know any better?
For all intent and purposes, because of how the setting was established, I feel like Juko shouldn't/wouldn't have been capable of all these things. Was it a way to bring the idea to the audience more bluntly? We'd know how dreadful his situation would be but he wouldn't.
In the end, it was a weird and somewhat decent read. At the very least, I got to read another story in first-perspective by another writer. In the end, the nature of Juko as per the premise/setting made him too... different, in my eyes. That made me shy away from wanting to know more about the plot or what's going to happen to him.