|Reviews for Fantasia|
| Knucklehugs chapter 1 . 4/5/2018
This is a very old chapter but I've spotted a couple mistakes. "If Leah didn't make such a huge amount of money as a PR representative, she'd worry about her friend's finances" is ambiguous. I assume you mean Arwyn is potentially worried but the last 'she' you wrote about was Leah. If you did mean Arwyn then replace the 'she' with her name. If not, leave as is.
Secondly "As it was, Arwyn was glad she had set up a bank account that automatically saved a certain sum of money every month on Leah's behalf" is a little confusing. Do you mean she set up money to come out of her own bank account for Leah? Or did she set up Leah's bank account?
Lastly, when describing the races you use italics. Are they supposed to be Arwyn's thoughts here? If not it's a bit confusing.
I think this was a decent first chapter but I can see what you mean about the story not really starting until the next one. I think you did well to inform the reader about the world of Fantasia. The reader learned about it as Arwyn did. It felt very natural. It'll be interesting to see your take on this idea of a game-world. I especially like how the game is played whilst asleep. Will the chapters focus entirely on the game or will we see scenes from Arwyn's normal life? If we do, how will the game affect her in every day life? Some great questions raised that helps the reader want to continue. Definitely going to read and review more. Cheers.
| WhiteWolfWoman chapter 64 . 4/1/2018
Umm... This chapter is scaring me... Unless it's meant to be a game-glitch, I think MS word borked the upload. Lotsa random computer-speech-text... Maybe a re-upload is in order?
I managed to read the chapter, though... Uh-oh! Amethyst got impatient! Wonder what will come of that? Wanna see what Mimi's new pet is!
Looking forward to the next chapter! *hug*
| Scarlet3Wolf12 chapter 63 . 3/22/2018
This is amazing!
| inderliedla chapter 63 . 2/12/2018
Omg, I officially love you and this story, even heh. We need to be best friends!
| Guest chapter 7 . 2/8/2018
Actually... spheres don't have degrees. An angle is a planar object that you can't extend to three dimensions.
...But even if you were to calculate the surface area of a half sphere and use that as degrees, it's a different formula.
r c/(2pi) 360/(2pi)
Area of a sphere 4pir2
Area of half a sphere ((360/(2pi))2)2pi 20626
...If spheres had degrees, which, again, they don't.
| Redz chapter 19 . 2/9/2018
I've come across another issue that this story has. Every time you repeat "Fey was not like other girls" (and by that you mean superficial, fake, emotional or weak) you perpetuate untrue (and harmful) stereotypes, painting all members of the female gender (except Fey, of course) as superficial, emotional, weak fakers. It's kinda sexist.
I don't blame you for it; it's a common feature in stories by young female writers (and thankfully, not /that/ pervasive in yours). But still, I feel the need to point out that you're not doing yourself (or your future self) any favours by buying into the stereotypes. Perhaps tone down the "drag down all women so my character will look good / seem interesting" strategy.
| Redz chapter 5 . 2/7/2018
Generic take on a recycled concept. Already in Ch.5 and nothing's caught my attention. I had high hopes in the snarky parenthetical narrator, but she's really not that snarky - all she seems to do is put synonyms between asterisks and repeat the obvious, because apparently, readers are idiots who need things explained to them twice. She's hurting the story, rather than helping it. ("This scene is supposed to convey Arwyn's dislike of people in general"? If you feel the need to spell it out, then clearly the scene is not doing its job).
The main character is bland, with a bland ambition ("become a warrior"... that's it?). It's barely enough to drive the story. No antagonist so far either. No mysteries or personal conflicts to make us care about any of the characters. No addressing the interesting dilemmas that could be offered by the setting (Internet trolls, anonymity, addiction, violence in VR and real life...) Instead, any problems the protagonist encounters are trivial and shallow; there are no stakes.
The only thing that's entertaining to read about are the cute critters - I admit, you do a good job portraying the cuteness. But that's not enough to keep me engaged.
Please don't take this review at face value. I'm clearly older than your target audience, so it's only natural that I would prefer different themes and deeper, serious conflicts. But perhaps think about introducing some gripping elements a bit earlier: an antagonist, raised stakes, a more driven main character...
| expensivecorn9 chapter 61 . 12/3/2017
Looking forward to the next chapter! Keep on writing strong! I'll be looking forward to every chapter in the future!
| The Imaginatrix chapter 61 . 11/19/2017
Okay, I held off on reviewing until I'd gotten to the end. I really like this story! I love the characters (pets included), I love the snarky narrator, and I REALLY wish I could play this game! Do the devs have accommodations for players with certain disabilities? I'm blind, and I tend to die a lot when I'm not used to a game yet. I don't think I'd be as reckless as Fey due to extreme caution. I'm kinda sad you can't have multiple characters. What if you wanted to test out multiple race/class combinations? I'd still wanna play if it was real though. I've dreamed about playing it twice since finding this story. :D
Looking forward to the further adventures of our heroes! I wonder what slimes and glooms evolve into. :D
| C.J.Robbins chapter 59 . 10/13/2017
Finally, all caught up! Quick question- is there a kind of Berserker Warrior class? I know that, technically, Rage can let any warrior be a berserker, but I was just curious if there was a crowd-control oriented wartior class of a similar nature that we may meet in the future.
| expensivecorn9 chapter 59 . 9/7/2017
Looking forward to chapter 60! Thanks for yet another great chapter.
| Enigma39 chapter 2 . 8/13/2017
I love the style that you use for the quest completions. It's very much what you'd see in an actual game, and as someone who loves RPGs and video games in general, it's very cool to see multiple homages to amazing RPGs and games. I can't wait to continue reading this!
| Azule chapter 1 . 7/17/2017
This is great! I love the story (I made an account just to write this review, I'm usually on Wattpad. You gotta lobe Wattpad. I highly recommend it! (I'm Azul-Gale on Wattpad)
| DMJB chapter 55 . 6/3/2017
I feel like you should add a guild insignia system where the insignia is left of the name and shows up in the menu. I could design one for Fey and friends, and the feypets too!
| Cameron Pobuda chapter 55 . 5/15/2017
Really like the way the story is developing! Can't wait to read more of this!