I think the biggest issue with this is – and that's something a good beta reader could help you with – is the pacing. It seems a bit rushed at points, and I'd strongly advise you to maybe break up the chapter into scenes :3 Just saying this to help you/because I noticed it, and felt you'd want to know. Anyhow, so much for the nitpicky part of the review (and take it with a grain of a salt; this is an older story, and I didn't know this issue in your newer pieces, so :P). To make things clearer, I thought the second part was a bit sudden – not bad, just I think a biiiit more build-up would have made it less 'OMG suddenly witches' XD (and zombies lol).

What I really like about this is the plot and world-building; it's interesting to see a world where there are witches and zombies, but you still mention vans – in fact, it made me jump a bit, because for some reason I was expecting this to take place in the Middle Ages. I guess, it's just how you constructed society here – but I like that, it's interesting and different in a way that makes me want to read more. I like that you play with my expectations (also the summary, sounded really intriguing). I also like how you never give us too many details, thus allowing us to envision in what kind of world this is taking place.

I'm quite intrigued as to how this will proceed, and I liked the plot twists: I liked how this went from a story about a runaway kid to someone who's suddenly exposed to witches and zombies. It's a bit , but I like that and see nothing wrong with a story that is creative :D In fact, I really like your creativity – it's fun, and you have a vivid way of telling your pieces.

Beginning: This struck me as kind of interesting. For all that Jonnoe is in a potentially harrowing situation, he certainly does take it in a nonchalant way. Which, I have to say amuses me to no end. Usually when an author begins with the imagery that you've set up, it's a pretty dark mood. With what you have here, it's more of a "huh, so I'm in here," kind of way. It's a bit light, and it doesn't immediately drop everything into a "be prepared to be devastated" mood. Yay :)

Style: One thing that I think you did particularly well was describing the surroundings where Jonnoe is at all times. You don't describe too much, and not too little, so you don't necessarily reply completely on the reader's imagination. Another thing, I'd be a little bit careful when it comes to your attribution (said he, etc). I think in the beginning you don't vary them as much, but towards the end, you change it up a little bit. Then again, that's also up to how you're used to writing, so that's a up in the air. As a suggestion, perhaps you might want to give the majority of your dialogue a paragraph of their own? Sometimes the dialogue tags read as if they are part of the paragraph (it's not a bad thing).

Ending: I liked how you tied the ending with a unified note. "We'll make a stand together" emphasizes the trust that Becky has in her mates. They depend on one another, and at the same time, Jonnoe is going to have to live up to that in the end. I'm hoping that this is a hint to later on of how Jonnoe will end up being part of this group, and perhaps that line at the end is prelude to that.

Dialogue/scene: For the most part, I think you're pretty solid with it. The one part where Jonnoe is taken into the van felt a little rushed and stilted. When the man says "I am Disciple Yirr. We are going to kill you!" reads a little comical, and I'm not sure that that's what you want to go for. Make sure that you're not just telling us what is going to happen, but also show us that he wants to do this.

Grammar: magnificen specimen I think you meant "magnificent"

Good job!

RG EF stuff

Hmm... the modern touches seem to have completely disappeared in this chapter, so I still don't know what time period you're going for, but apart from that, I like the amount of creepy background you've provided - not too much that it overwhelms or gets ridiculous, but enough to establish a nice gloomy atmosphere.

I like that your action scene is easy to understand - I can work out who's doing what without any trouble, but I would suggest splitting that long last paragraph into two or three because reading long passages of wham bang smash in an unbroken stretch can be rather taxing.

Typo: HORDE not hoard

The biggest gripe I have so far is the discrepency of the setting, or at least how I see it. Idk, it's like the story gives off a fantasy, olde world type of feel yet the main character gets abducted into a VAN and the heroes shoot at the crowd of zombies with GUNS. Kind of comes across as weird anachronisms, especially since neither a classical fantasy setting nor modern one is implied explicitly or otherwise.

He writing flowed pretty well from the "in media res" beginning to the end but it did feel like the ending went off on an abrupt note with no real resolution to the chapters outcome.

Ooh I wonder what all this stuff with Boss Dhaely is about. I like how the crystal ball thing seemed like some sort of massive innuendo that went completely over Jonnoe's head :p. And mmn a juicy skellybob - great description of him btw. And heh nice to see Jonnoe get a little badass - interested to see why he was able to hurt the skelly when no one else could (the pretty knife?). Really liked all the action again, although yep also looking forward to things slowing down a little in future chapters to let us get to know your characters a bit better :)

Hi! Sorry this has taken me a while to get to - I've been quite terrible with finding the time to review recently.

So woo this chapter had a hell of a lot of action in it, huh? I really love fast paced stuff, so reading this was really fun, and I was never confused about what was going on. I think what I liked the most about this were the tiny details you have splashed about like the cleft in Becky's nose that give a lovely visual picture of your characters and the world around them. Also loved Jonnoe's reaction to Jay because terrifying situation or not, those loins certainly make themselves heard around pretties, no? I like how it kept the reading light and fun :). Also 'steaming viscera' - gotta love a bit of gore :). In an attempt to be useful, I think there could possibly be a bit more characterisation of Jonnoe here, but you have so much plot whizzing around that I didn't mind not knowing him *that* well by the end of this chappie. Good job! :D

Hi!

So this is a really interesting start. I like how at first I don't know what kind of tale you're telling here. There are lots of possibilities. I think maintaining mystery in a story is a really great way to build up suspense and give your action scenes more impact.

"Chained in the dank and noisome dungeon, the iron shackles biting into his wrists, Jonnoe reflected again on how he came to be in these dire straits." I like this opening sentence but you might want to consider editing it just a bit. I don't think you need the word "noisome". It's not the strongest term you could use here. Like, I personally think 'stinking' would get the point across a little better. :) Just a suggestion.

I like this dialogue and the relationship you sketch for Jonnoe and his mother:
"Not being one to speak delicately, she had told him that not many men wanted anything to do with a single mother, so they were both very fortunate." I also feel you might want to consider having a *lot* more paragraph breaks. Looking at a massive block of text can be a tough read and I feel one should make things as accessible as possible for your readers. Since your readers are reading this online I think breaking things up into smaller chunks of text will help you get the story across better. I would start a new paragraph after "fortunate".

I would also start a new paragraph starting with this sentence:
"He had made his way eastward to the mountains of Mortenzia,"

Here's another suggestion for a new paragraph:
"A seedy looking old man with a bushy, grey beard had unexpectedly seemed to take pity on him and paid for him to enjoy his first hot meal in days and even spared the bronze for him to sleep in the dormitory" This is such an interesting little story. If you separate it and possible add a line or two (describe the old man's seediness, for example, what does the dorm look like?) it will be even more interesting and might give us a glimpse of the world you're creating. I have a feeling you have a ton of ideas, you just need to take the time to express them. :)

Cool, visceral, highly sensory description here:
"He heard groaning voices all around and dogs brushed against his legs, sniffing at him."

What's a "pearly"?
"The woman was holding a pearly"

This dialogue sounds a little less than realistic. I might believe it if Jonnoe had known Becky and Jay for a long time but these three characters just met:
""And there can be no delay and no slip ups."" I just feel Jay owes Jonnoe more of an explanation about what the hell is going on before he tells him he won't tolerate any "slip ups". ;)

Like this name:
""Gangrich Carcescu.""

Hmm…:
"uttering those terrible groans and shrieks." I think the ending seems a little rushed. So much happens but because I don't know enough about the world of the story it doesn't have as much of an impact as I think it might.

Very cool stuff though!

vb,

mbw

Stylistically, the first two paragraphs are a bit cumbersome because of their lack of paragraph breaks. I suggest breaking them up by setting - because in the first paragraph alone, I think we move through three different settings and each time - I suggest starting new paragraph. Usually you're supposed to start a new paragraph when you've got a new subject to talk about or if someone's speaking (there are exceptions to this of author's that deviate from it, usually for a purpose, but I couldn't seek out that purpose here). I could see the first paragraph all falling under "dire straits story" but because of those settings, I'd argue to break them up too. Similar deal with paragraph two. Though maybe just wait and see if another reviewer mentions it, as I'm only one.

Other than that, I actually liked your opening and thought it had a good hook with how Jonnoe ended up shackled (which also started with a cool image because it intrigued me - why and how did he end up this way? And I like that we touch on that by the end for reasons). I totally thought this story was in medieval times or something, what with mention of the vegetable cart and leaving home - but once the van showed up things got interesting regarding what time period we were in, haha. Seems modern now, even with mention of the gun. Maybe like a Soul Eaters thing where it's sort of an ambiguous setting / alternative universe? Well I won't get wrapped up in that for now. I also liked that we jumped right into the action of introducing Rebecca, because from your summary it's clear she becomes a big part of the story. I think I like her so far. The ending was badass with Becky!

Thanks for the read.

For the RG EF

The mix of modern setting (there's a van) and 'once upon a time' narration is interesting. It's too early yet for me to tell if I really like it, but it'd not driving me crazy or anything. It has its own weird attraction. Plot-wise, things have moved very fast indeed. I have a couple of questions like why wasn't Jonnoe killed right away, or why should the villain reveal his identity to Jonnoe if all he's interested in is another mindless zombie soldier, but I can wait for those to be cleared up, ie they don't make me want to stop reading right away.