|Reviews for The 30-Day Trial|
| Guest chapter 12 . 10/25/2014
| TheTigress chapter 2 . 10/21/2014
This is for chapter 1 but since I already posted a review for it it wouldn't let me post again so I put it here.
I was reading LDF's review and I do have to say I agree with at least one thing he says- and that's that the aliens do seem to be too human-like. I would like to see their culture developed more, although I don't know if that was your intention or not as I am only in chapter 2. I'm making a list of the little errors that I found so that you know about them.
1. In the prologue there's a sentence that doesn't really seem to be a complete thought to me: "Every experience, just making me stronger to deal with these kinds of emotions, not that I was ever weak." It would probably make more sense if it was written like this: "Every experience just made me stronger so that I could deal with these kinds of emotions, not that I was ever weak."
2. In the first paragraph when she's stating her mother's advice to her, you used the wrong form of "to". It should be: "Don't eat too much of this!" and "Don't do too much of that!"
3. "...with such love for Life, comes great fear for Death." I think it makes more sense if it said "great fear of Death" instead of "for Death" because they are scared to die, so they are afraid OF it.
4. "I always love to climb" I think it would sound better written "I've always loved climbing."
5. "Mother and father says" should be "Mother and father say"
6. "Yet another one of their 'friendly' reminders that Death is "always around the corner" and "we've got to make sure we make the most of what we have". I don't think this is a complete sentence, and I also think that it belongs in the paragraph before it because it's out of place where it is now.
7. "My parents dedicate urban areas for work, and farm land for homes." I'm confused by this sentence. Does it mean that they work in urban areas and they are farmers? Or did you mean to say "farmland" as in farmland is dedicated for homes? (this just might be me being dumb lol)
8. "I catch a glimpse of the headline of my fathers newspaper" It should be "father's"
9. Nonsense is one word. No hyphen.
10. "They that say Earth is just beyond our galaxy, that it's populated with creatures called 'humans' and that we might be able to communicate with them...some day." This is another incomplete sentence.
11. Whenever there is a dialogue, don't put the dialogue of two or more characters in one paragraph. Generally, each character should get their own paragraph when they speak. It's less confusing that way.
12. "Probably the most frightening thing about humans is that they say that look very similar to us Beans." It should say "that they look very similar to us Beans."
13. The paragraph that begins with Elec asking his mother what humans are needs to be broken up into different paragraphs because it doesn't have one topic but three. It has the dialogue of Elec and his mother, the topic of what humans look like, and it says that Ray likes to think humans are real. They can't all be in one paragraph because each paragraph should only have one subject.
14. Carefree is one word.
15. The paragraph where she leaves her room to go to Eddard also needs to be broken up into two paragraphs. The beginning talks about her feelings when she's running. But the other half of the paragraph talks more about their beliefs on Death.
16. "if he was a Bean" should be "if he were a Bean"
17. "I take the my usual path at first" should be "I take my usual path at first"
18. "kilometre" is supposed to be kilometer
19. "near by" should be nearby
20. "To my surprise, a small white rabbit flies out and nearly runs right into my face, if I hadn't dodged the little guy sooner." You start the sentence off in present-tense and it ends in past-tense. I would word it this way: "To my surprise, a small white rabbit flies out and nearly runs into my face, but I dodge the little guy."
21. "homeless mans purse" should be "homeless man's purse"
22. "I rarely look at myself, but now, as I catch a glimpse of my naked stomach, it reminds me that I am only ten years old, short, skinny and flat chested." That sentence might be too long and has too many commas. I'd word it this way: "I rarely look at myself, but now that I can catch a glimpse of my naked stomach, it reminds me that I'm only ten years old. I'm short, skinny, and flat-chested."
23. "Maybe we are not all that different and, if Earth is real, if we could help each other." I would get rid of the 2nd if in that sentence.
24. "I am the only Bean who's ever step foot on Eddard" should be "stepped foor on Eddard"
25. Again, nonsense is one word.
26. "summers night sky" should be "summer's night sky"
27. Barefoot is one word.
28. The paragraph where Iil is first introduced needs to be broken up into several smaller ones because it contains an entire conversation, Ray's reaction to him, and his description.
29. "so just hold the bundle in my hands" should be "so I just hold the bundle in my hands"
30. The paragraph where Ray smacks Iil also needs to be broken up because it contains both Ray's and Iil's dialogue.
31. "I'm Iil." This line should be separate from the paragraph that it's in.
32. I'm confused by the dialogue that follows because two lines of dialogue in a row are Ray- "Yeah. How do you spell it?" and "Okay." I know that in between you say that Iil explains it to her but it was still confusing at first. I don't think "He explains it to me." should be in the same line as her dialogue.
33. That's it for all of the little things, and also it keeps alternating between past and present tense so a lot of sentences need to be reworded so that it all stays in the same tense.
| TheTigress chapter 1 . 10/21/2014
I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin! First of all, I really, REALLY love the story plot. So far I've only read chapter one (I am definitely going to continue reading!), but so far everything has been explained pretty well. I love how you are writing the story from the perspective of an alien that doesn't believe in humans, and how we're the aliens to them. I also love how you've created a culture, a race of people who are afraid of Death and seem to refer to it as a proper noun, seeing how you capitalize Life and Death every time that it is mentioned. I find it interesting that their planet seems to be very similar to ours except for the fact that it's inhabited by Beans and not humans (and lol...Beans). In short, it's an intriguing parallel to our own life, and I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. Your writing style is also amazingly similar to mine. It's almost like I wrote the story myself because the way you chose to order certain events and reveal certain details is how I would have done it myself. I love it.
The only thing I can complain about so far is that I spotted a few grammatical/spelling errors. I can go back and look for them and point them out for you later when I have time (right now I'm actually in a hurry), also keep in mind that your narrative, like mine, is written in the present-tense, and a few times you switch to the past-tense (I have this problem myself sometimes when I write Blood Trail, and I always look out for that sort of thing). Otherwise excellent story and you'll be hearing more from me!
| Blazing Lights chapter 1 . 10/18/2014
"I always tried to follow that advise, even if she might not always do the same." Sounds awkward in a way. I think it would sound better if you deleted the word "always. " Just a suggestion though.
"Don't each to much of this...don't to much of that.." In that sentences the to(s) should be spelt too for the way their used.
Ray's attitude to death is interesting. The whole concept on death is intriguing but actually realistic for a lot of people.
By the way I like the names of you characters and the setting.
Overall seems like a good chapter and I shall be reading more.
Have a wondrous day!:)
| Guest chapter 7 . 9/13/2014
UMM THE ENDING
THAT DAMN KID BETTER NOT BE CHEATING ON RAY WITH A WATER NYMPH OR SOMETHING HNNNmMM
oh and omfg the swimming scene it reminds me of that time we swam, and i was kinda like Ray cus I kept trying to get you in the cold pool and ur like "nah i wanna be in the hot tub" lmao
nice chapter. very cute Iil i like him a lot
you better not kill him off
| LDF chapter 1 . 8/6/2014
The prologue already opens up to a contradiction. Ray mentions she can’t think of the last time she felt sad, but the rest of what she mentions seems more like she’s capable of being sad, just that she suppresses it. It even has this defeated tone to it
-“Don’t eat to much of this!”-
-too means ‘a lot’ or ‘as well’.
-to is a used with infinitive verbs.
Also, don’t capitalize random words. I don’t see why ‘life’ or ‘death’ should be capitalized. It enters a philosophical debate, but that’s no reason to capitalize. The philosophy is also a tad sloppy – it’s trying to have a deeper meaning but struggles to come to terms with what that could be.
-I sit up, and run my fingers through my long, silver hair. My mother always envied my hair for some reason.-
If it's so common for Ray's species to have a variety of colors, why should it be weird that she has silver hair? If it's that odd, Ray would've known about it, and not be puzzled that people would find it a subject of debate.
Honestly, the plot puts me to mind of "Divergent", only there's two factions instead of five. It also doesn't seem to understand that loving life doesn't equate to being overly cautious and feeling nothing. People who say that they want to live their life to the fullest are more likely to go out and experiment, and are basically the people Ray calls 'fearless'.
Speaking of fearless, I think the narrative is confusing that with courage. People without fear are the ones who tend to die in insanely idiotic manners because they weren’t afraid of the consequences of their actions.
The factions are the weakest part of this story I'm afraid. The handling of both the concepts are way too black and white, and can't really work realistically. As I've mentioned, there's a lack of understanding as to what it means to be fearless and to love life, and you can do both and be both, and there'll be situations that require caution but to be totally fearless doesn't mean you have to do parkour.
The aliens also need to be better developed. As it is they sound much too alike to humans, not only in their naming conventions but in their mannerisms, culture, and appearance. There has to be more to them than having more varied colors in their hair and eyes.
| zzzSleepyCreeper chapter 1 . 8/2/2014
Cool chapter! So it's like they're aliens (like not from Earth) right?