|Reviews for Sigil|
| sinister thing chapter 2 . 11/26/2014
please update soon i really love this story it is awesome!
| i've.got.purple.nail.polish chapter 3 . 11/18/2014
Ah, it's all making sense now! I was wondering about what their relationship was. Amazing as usual, here are a few small mistakes:
It was the rage that blinded her, Quinn grasping the cognizant fraction screaming outrage Sovereign still pursued even after so many decade [this sentence is unclear, after the grasping the cognizant]
"Sigil," he sung her name, [either switch comma for semi-colon or use "as"] eyes a perfect storm took her in as if he'd been starved for the sight.
time he could manipulated her reaction [either take away "could" and make it "time he manipulated" or take away the d and leave "could manipulate"]
Again, some stylistic changes could be made for better flow, but nothing glaring. I'm excited to read more, I'm loving this story so far!
| i've.got.purple.nail.polish chapter 2 . 11/18/2014
For the most part, this chapter was flawless. But there were a few mistakes:
Quinn had been able to marginal relax [should be marginally]
where all meeting with the Mistress of Pax [add s to meeting]
There was no other mating he had every known like hers [should be ever not every]
[Watching as the] pathetic being resume[d] his meditative posture on the floor, [his or her?] waving elongated neck stretching upward, Drinta affirmed [-] once again [- I switched the commas for hyphens, just because too many commas can be confusing but if you prefer to leave them it doesn't really matter. You could also say: Drinta, once again, affirmed] that Tessan gut instinct was far more valuable than a species who could only measure in empathic observation and probabilities based on cycles.
Love this part:
An annoyed hiss, "I know he's a Herald. His rank was never in question! I do not pay you to waste words. I do not pay you to waste my time."
"You do not pay me at all." The Kilactarin male dipped the extent of his long neck, the picture of calm. [I actually laughed aloud, haha!]
Also I aww'd so hard at this:
Que had never voiced this concern to her but once he had laid the warmth of his palm over womb as he pumped his seed into her body and vocally asked his gods for a child.
Amazing as always! There are a few other things that might be changed stylistically but nothing glaring (basically the "..." portions, use commas or hyphens, you don't typically use "..." in literature). Again, I don't mind going over it in more detail if you want! Also, the last sentence was amazing!
| i've.got.purple.nail.polish chapter 1 . 11/18/2014
This story is interesting, but I think there's too much new information in this first chaper, and it's a bit confusing. You've got the two characters, but a lot of description of the universe, and while it's good for setting context, it might be too much too fast. However, after re-reading it, I'm not sure how you would integrate it better, so I think it's fine as it is, but you might want to tease out the details a little slower if you go back to rewrite it.
I also noticed a sentence that doesn't make sense:
Where Drinta had neglected the upkeep of a space station with decks that clung by a tether; where, on a regular basis, pieces of Pax fell off to float away, orbiting around like a very disturbing asteroid belt.
doesnt make sense. Where what? I see that you expand on it later, saying these dark corners are where the slaves were the best, but I think saying it like this is awkward and confusing. I think you have to start with something like:
Though Drinta's space station ruled under her strict surveillance, there were spaces where chaos reined; where the decks clung by a tether, and others parts - so dilapidated - completely fell off to float away, orbiting Pax like a disturbing asteroid belt. Where the lights dimmed and flickered, where the air was heavy and dank...the slaves were loveliest.
Also, I would rearrange this:
Club Swelter, the perfect example of the ancient human idea of sin, functioned as the nucleus of Pax; far more than an entertainment spot. The hollowed out hive was infested with the dregs making their trades.
Club Swelter, the perfect example of the ancient human idea of sin, functioned as the nucleus of Pax. Far more than an entertainment spot, the hollowed out hive was infested with the dregs making their trades. [just moving the semicolon. also, not entirely sure, but I think you might have to say dregs of society, I don't think you can just say dregs]
Then you go on to say list the types of people, but I feel that you need something more like:
Here you'd find smugglers, stocking up on whatever illicit item could be found, amusing themselves in the station's own din of inequity as they negotiated. Beside them reveled unsavory mercenaries for hire - [add something here, like: deadly men and women always looking to refill their coffers after spending their wares on a night or three of debauchery] - junkers - who came for the coin [from, not in] carrying away hauls of garbage and dragging back the second-hand parts required to maintain the station's life-support - and slavers delivering or purchasing new stock. [i know this makes the sentence kind of long, you could probably break it apart but I think it's fine so long as you use the hyphens].
There are two or three other changes, but this is getting pretty long. Pretty much, you probably shouldn't use "..." So much; instead, use hyphens. Also, some of your semi-colons split your sentences strangely. If you want (and I'm not offending you by suggesting these changes) I don't mind going over certain parts in more detail with you. I sort of unconsciously edit things I read in my head, so I thought I'd point out the few that stood out to me most.
Aside from the semantics, your writing is awesome as always, and I'm curious to read more! I love the description of the girl with the Axrilian, and your character descriptions are fantastic. While it was a lot of detail, you paint a very clear picture; I am amazed by the creativity in the characters.
| sinister thing chapter 3 . 11/9/2014
update update update!
| LetMeWonder chapter 3 . 10/9/2014
That's one way of making an impression.
| jendra11339 chapter 3 . 10/8/2014
Delighted to see an update. Once Born to be Bred ended I had the finished a story blues, but once I looked around and saw that you had original fiction I was delighted.
| LetMeWonder chapter 2 . 10/3/2014
Aw Que is so sweet.
| LetMeWonder chapter 1 . 10/3/2014
This sounds fascinating!
| Anon chapter 2 . 9/29/2014
I'm curious to see how this progresses and who, exactly, Quinn (Sigil?) is as well as Sovereign. The imagery you provide us with is wonderful. I hope you update soon :)
| jendra chapter 2 . 9/23/2014
Simply fantastic. As much as I love Born to be Bred your original fiction is out of this world.
| ElleDesperado chapter 1 . 8/7/2014
I love, above all other genres, sci-fi, and that you are writing it is even better! Really interesting and promising first chapter. Love it :)