Hello!

This was an interesting read. I found it hard to follow what was happening though. You need to split this into sections separated by line breaks maybe so that it is clearer to make sense of changing of scenes and passing of time as right now everything seems to just happen at once and it is confusing and hard to follow. It is just one solid chunk, you know? Should be lots of little sections I think otherwise readers will just struggle to follow, as I said before, when there is a scene change and when time has passed.

One other point to think about. "Wide blue eyes sparkling." Could you think of a better word to use than "sparkling?" This is a little cliche. I caught a couple more of these cliche lines so have a good read through.

I enjoyed the description in this. You really have a way with words! Lines I liked in particular were "brown hair shot through with silver" and "arrestingly beautiful face." Beautiful pieces of description! I would loved to have read more lovely lines like these. You certainly have talent!

I enjoyed the characters as well. Krystal is my favourite character so far as I can relate to her and she seems like a cool, fun character and is also very intelligent, ambitious and curious, which I love.

The dialogue was also strong and felt realistic, particularly in the first section of the chapter when Krystal is speaking to her friends.

The plot seems fascinating and I can't wait to find out more. You have set it up nicely in this chapter and it acts as a good hook to encourage readers to read on. I'm interested in seeing where it goes.

Overall a strong start.

Keep writing!

Vicky

You've got a couple mistakes here and then. For example, "clapper" should be clapped.

You've got a good pace going on for you. Something I liked is that you have Krystal sympathetic towards Dex. A lot of people would be alarmed, torn apart as Stephanie has been. While Stephanie isn't as outwardly worried as she could possibly be, she doesn't have a great response to Dex. It's lucky that she didn't panic, though it feels like there is a bit of disdain hidden in the background - though that may just be me.

Another thing that I liked is that you basically went one eighty with the two potential things that they could have done to salvage the situation. but no, instead of trying to recapture Dax, they're going the more morbid way. The Emerald of Death. So, what does this mean? They're going to kill all the children that come from the Emerald of Death? That's a bit extreme don't you think? Then again Genutech, from the looks of it doesn't do anything by halves. It sure makes for interesting things to occur.

Thanks for the read!

For the RG EF

The last scene was really wacky, but this does have a humor tag...

I liked how the plot hasn't been predictable so far: a journalist who will go to any length for a scoop (even getting pregnant), a corporation's experiment being run by a fertility clinic (very sketchy this DNA alteration business), and Dax's escape. The concept and characters remind me vaguely of Brave New World.

I'm not too fond of the body fluid mentions, but you handled it maturely. Your writing overall is concise and matter-of-fact, which I liked.

I think this was pointed out in an earlier review, so I'm going to keep this part short. The way you open isn't a strong one. Right from the get go, we're hit with a bombardment of information.

You've got a couple mistakes here and there, nothing too big to detract from the piece. ex. "engineed" Engineered?

This is an... interesting piece to say the least. Definitely not what I was thinking in the slightest. It's interesting to see that you're carrying on the idea of Genutech, which I think was mentioned in one of your other pieces before? Either way, the absurdity of the situation, or the novelty, is what makes this chapter what it is. Krystal has something to gain, so does Jimmy, though both of them come across as a bit naive. If what Dax is saying is the truth, then Krystal is going to have a bit of a problem later on, won't she? Ha. Either way, the piece made me smile at points, though it also made me question Krystal's sanity a bit.

Thanks for the read!

Nice story I'm in love with it already

Awesome chapters can't wait for number 4

There are a couple of typo's you probably want to address - easy fixes though. "Kystal could have kicked herself", you need to correct it back to Krystal. Second, I think you mean when you say "But now from the frozen tomb that gave him birth, Extror comes..." you called him Dextror before, I'm guessing you simply missed the D off. Also, expectant, not expetant. Maybe run it through a spell check?

Your dialogue fits your writing quite well. There is no one sentence that I read and thought that it was fake or cringe worthy. What Dextror said did make my laugh, however! Pun intended?

Krystal and Jimmies relationship still bothers me a little in this chapter. Krystal is pushing 40, yet Jimmie is still a teenager - and Krystal wants a baby? Cougar much? Krystal mentions that Jimmie is "the only partner for her." Maybe this could be worded better, if you want the reader to enjoy the relationship between them, maybe you should work on developing it a bit more.

Finally, I wonder if there should be more...worry, that Krystal and Jimmie are walking around, seemingly comfortable - with a green man with a large crotch! It interferes with my suspense of disbelief when I'm wondering why no-one else seems bothered that someone is completely green and abnormal.

Well done so far. Just trying to be constructive for you :)

Oh my! That wasn't what I was expecting! Still, it was a laugh.

The first few paragraphs brought me into your story and made me want to continue reading. I wondered why it was cheaper for an eighteen year old, single mother, to get assisted fertility - and where this story would go.

The relationship between Krystal and Jimmy seems really strange. Would a teenage boy really want a baby with a senior journalist for a good scoop? Especially when neither seem to have made mention previously they wanted a baby, would one article, however big, be worth bringing a life into the world?

People pick locks all the time, but I feel that you could make the story more believable if Krystal doesn't just pick locks like it is as easy as buttering a bit of bread. When I was a student, I locked myself out of my bedroom - three times. None of those times, the locksmith managed to open it easily and that is his job. Maybe add some tension? How did she pop the lock? Did they break the handle all together?

As strange as it was, I don't think I've recalled reading anything similar! I like that you seem to have a direction to go, and your following it. The plot is up there in so bizarre, that yes, even if I had not committed to review, I would probably not be able to help myself and would hit the next button to see where it would go.

Hey! Sorry it has taken me awhile to review this. :) I've been traveling.

So, this is a unique story (even compared to your other work). Like "Sins of the Mothers" I would categorize this as mostly a satire focussed on sexual mores, the fertility industry and pregnancy. Pregnancy and insemination feature uh, prominently in both stories.

I have to say that neither of these topics are of particular interest to me so you should take that into account as you read this. Ultimately, I think this is a rather narrow story because of the narrow focus. 'Narrow' doesn't mean 'bad' or anything, it just means it may be hard for a lot of people to understand and enjoy this.

So, here are my notes (I don't know how much use they will be, but anyway…):

Like the title:
"A Plan Conceived" Cute pun there.

"Krystal was an investigative journalist at the Daily Babble and it was her duty to look out for anything odd. She had a knack for finding the strange scoops too. Her specific job was a secret to the outside world in order for her to maintain her cover at all times, but her circle of colleagues knew of her persistence and that she would do what it took to sniff out a remarkable story."
I think if you cut those sentences down into one you would have more of a zinger of an opening sentence. I also feel that calling the paper 'the Daily Babble' seems just a bit dismissive. I think these opening lines would have more impact of you developed the background story, character history and setting more.

"It was also puzzling that they should charge Lacey very little."
Okay, I have to ask – What world is this? It really seems like an alternate universe, which is totally cool, but I feel that kind of setting only really works when you set it up ahead of time. Really this whole story seems somewhat rushed to me, almost like it's a bit more of an outline as opposed to an opening to a longer narrative.

"Dr Katy Goldstein, the obstetrician, a younger surgeon with long red hair and a handsome aquiline face."
What do you mean by 'aquiline'? Why not give us some more easily visualized descriptions, like, 'a narrow nose with a small bump in the middle' or something… ?

You lose me here some:
""You'll be a great dad, Jimmy," said Krystal beaming and giving him a hug."
Really sorry but when did Krystal become a baby-crazed mommy wannabe? This could totally work if you set it up more. Have a paragraph about how Krystal always wanted to be a mother, she loved her mom who died when she was girl or something and then because Krystal was so busy being a crusading reporter there was no time to get close enough to a man to make a baby and start a family… ?

How/Why would anyone let him of all people know this?:
""Dr Katy is working for them, but it's all very hush hush. I am much more fertile than a normal human, it's encoded into my genes. And I am the donor of all the sperm in the clinic above, not that I have a choice about it. I understand Katy always uses my sperm."
Just doesn't seem all that likely in any world that the genetically altered baby-maker dude would be informed about the big bad conspiracy.

This would be better as well if you set it up beforehand:
"It was just as well that Krystal knew where the vents would lead, having studied the schematics of the building."

I like this:
"the three of them crept along a bare corridor towards a velvet curtain, through which there came the sound of many people talking, violins playing and plates clattering and chairs scraping the floor."

""Oh no, what do we do? There's a crowd," said Dax in dismay. "I've never actually had to deal with a crowd of normal people before."" Wait, Dax has never seen a group of any people (not just 'normal' people) right?

Well, you have my attention with this one certainly. ;)

vb,

mbw

I like how the writing is so very straightforward and really easy to read; I felt there was far less telling than in the previous chapter, which really eased the flow of the prose, and made it even more accessible. I like the lack of any purple prose or artificial embellishments, which makes the prose seem more realistic and even journalistic-like. This lends an interesting contrast to the very out-of-world plot you have here, and makes the whole strangeness even more striking. I like how your writing is visual too, when there is need for it - instances like 'a chilly mist billowing out of ...' show careful word choice and a good notion of how to make writing feel alive without ever going over-the-top.

What I really like too is how you've had the Dax introduced to everyone: that's set things rolling in motions, and brought so much conflict onto the surface - the guys who lost him will want him back and we have personal tragedies too. I like that this chapter is also dealing with the consequences of Dax being the sperm donor - with family lives being torn apart, and people going to suffer through it ): I do wonder how Jimmy is going to deal with this. I also like the last scene, in the lab, because it's well-written (I gave you an example earlier), and the sense of creepiness it pervades with Extor. It's all very sudden, and that's what makes it creepier.

That restaurant scene had to be the strangest thing I've ever read. I really can't think of anything comparable, except a porn movie with naked servers. I must give you kudos for originality and for telling something so potentially exploitable without exploitation.
I'm a bit disturbed by the cavalier attitude Abbott pregnancy, more from Krystal and Jimmy than the women in varying stages of desperation.
Was Krystal prepared to be a mother? Did no one have qualms about a pregnancy for pursuing a story?
I wasn't sure at first but I decided I liked the way you explained Krystal's job at the beginning.
It was a little like the screens that explain the set-up at the beginning of a movie, a novel approach.
You might want to look at how you have some of your paragraphs separated and of course vividest should be most vivid, but I'm intrigued by the uniqueness of this story.

I am going to review this in a coherent manner, but I'm actually not sure what to say XD. 'Different' and 'unique' is really what pops into my mind, and I rather enjoy the tone of this story: it's definitely dark, but there's some aspect of humor to it that reminds me a bit of Tarantino its bizarreness, and lack of taking itself too seriously? I' hope I'm not offending at all - I actually enjoy this tone, because it makes some of the grosser aspects of this chapter (the sperm blasting into the face, the boy with the huge erection) a bit more palatable XD. I definitely enjoy the premise of it too: the baby clinic, with all those women desperate to have the perfect baby: it's definitely something darker, as a lot of women are unable to conceive and view clinics as their last hope. So your darker and more twisted take on this is definitely worth looking into/exploring, and I'm curious how you're going to expand on this.

I like Krystal - she definitely is willing to do anything to get her perfect story, even get pregnant for the sake of it. I do wonder if she's not bothered by it - if she's going to abort the baby once she has uncovered the truth behind everything. We never really get to know what she's thinking, and I think it's something you could look into? If you like :) At the very least, I enjoy that she's so determined and spontaneous - she's fun and vibrant :D

Hmm, the beginning/opening was bit too much telling for my tastes, but I wasn't too greatly bothered by it either. It's something that can easily be fixed anyhow :)

I'll be honest I'm not a fan of the show not tell style you have at the start when you describe Krystal. It's really not the most interesting way to start the story and you'd likely lose a lot of readers with that in my opinion. That being said the story's strength is in it's wackiness and how utterly crazy it is, it's not my thing but it's not bad and would definitely appeal to some people. Dialogue was quite solid across the board although you might want to read a few sections aloud to ensure it sounds more natural.