Reviews for Generations
Cheddar-Graham chapter 1 . 11/13/2014
For the RG EF
I like the premise of the story because I think it’s pretty relevant in these days of GMO and gene-splicing. The future / AU that you suggest here is not totally impossible, and that makes it all the more thought-provoking. I also rather like the megalomaniac plan to take over the world – I find that amusing though I’m not too sure if this effect is being deliberately aimed for.
On the CC side, I’d suggest looking through your dialogue and being more consistent with the contractions cause I think that would make the dialogue more natural.
Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 5 . 10/23/2014
This was a fun chapter, and quite interesting in many ways – I'll just try to tell you why in a halfway enlightening and thoughtful manner (but I may fail). So, one thing I really enjoyed was Larissa getting all protective and fiesty around Leo; I felt that she was right in doing so, and as always, it just demonstrated what a good friend she is. I do feel that she raised a lot of good points, and I'm glad that she sees Emily as a great girl rather than a hybrid. It just demonstrates how much she truly cares about her, rather than seeing her as a thing to be probed and examined. Just a badass move, that's all.

Much in the same vein, I'm glad to see that Leo's attitude softened in this episode; I was getting angry at him, and I'm glad he saw the errors in his vein, stating that he does care about Emily but also sees just how special she is. I think it was time him for him to admit that he had some flaws, and while I don't think it was right of him to sleep with her, I do respect that he's at least willing to admit he's made a mistake in focusing too much on his research.

As for the baby stuff: I am intrigued by it – I do think it was a bit sudden for Emily to develop maternal feelings, BUT I felt that was well explained due to her instincts; I also liked how you wrote out that scene, with Leo and Larissa both observing her and reacting very differently to it (Larissa freaking out, Leo being enchanted). I also felt that little touch of Emily giving the baby milk was a bit awkward – and realistically so.

I also liked the general science stuff, because you hinted that the Destroyer may still be alive, and I liked the explanation you gave for it: it made a lot of sense to me, and also sent chills running down my spine.

Also, the last scene was creepy: just really creepy and unhinging in how vivid you got there with your descriptions. I also found the death of the female scientist unexpected.
m. b. whitlock chapter 5 . 10/22/2014
RG EF #6,236

I find this chapter to be quite entertaining. You have some fun and funny moments in this, especially Elsa's death scene. Overall I am liking Larissa quite a bit. She appears to be serving a vital function for the narrative as Emily's constant advocate. I like a lot of her lines in this, they sound believable. I will also say though that Larissa is starting to be just a bit predictable as a character and you may want to change things up with her at some point (have her do something selfish or irresponsible or spontaneous that will break up the good girlfriend mold).

Anyway, despite the Franz feeding (which I thought was creepy due to Emily's spontaneous lactation), this chapter is considerably more fun than the last one.

Here are notes:

"It was the following evening and they were *there* because Emily felt honour bound to continue helping Leo."
They were where?

""Do you have to keep on talking about him?" said Larissa sitting up and taking notice at last, not bothering to conceal her irritation."

Leo sounds very preachy here:
""Well you are a credit to your sisters, but she was a disgrace," said Leo."

This is a little confusing:
""She's not my sister, she's just a biosibling," said Emily gazing at him with those wide dark eyes of hers, "it's every other hybrid girl who I call my sister.""

"He could surely tell that she had thought this before."
She thought what before? That he was smart or that Emily's existence made up for Dextror?

Like this line:
"He could surely tell that she had thought this before."

""I'll feed him again when *he* get home."" Do you mean 'when *we* get home'?

""A rich Schweinhund," said Adler."
Who or what is being referred to here? Is the cadaver the swine dog or the rich buyer? And why would someone, anyone want the specimen, if it caused so much horror?

This is very cartoony but I like it:
"Elsa did not even have time to scream. In seconds, her whole head was frozen solid.

"Brain freeze!" gloated the carcass in a harsh, gurgling voice. It smashed Elsa's frozen head against the autopsy table and let her lifeless body slide to the tiled floor."
Ha ha! Very fun. :)

""The Destroyer can never die, I was simply playing possum to get in here,""
How would the Dextror know phrases like 'playing possum'?

Interesting… :)


m. b. whitlock chapter 4 . 10/19/2014
I like the first part of this chapter though I feel it could use some substantial editing. The second part with the extreme boobymilk, not into it. Not my thing. Nothing personal. See below in notes.


Like this:
""It was awful having to face Thea," said Emily suddenly. She picked up three waffles and crammed them all into her mouth, swallowing quickly and leaving crumbs and smears of syrup around her dark green lips."

Like this tactile detail too:
"Emily's hair was so smooth to the touch, a real pleasure for the finger tips…"

I think this explanation for Thea's attendance might work better back in Chapter 3:
"It had been Larissa's idea that Leo should bring Thea along for their meeting. That should stop him getting any further ideas."

I think perhaps you might want to consider cutting down and refining the sections about Larissa's memories of the past. Perhaps focus on just one or two key moments, little scenes where you show what happened to her, instead of listing essentially 'telling' us lots of events. Here's an example of a part I think works well:
"but Larissa's mum was always griping about Larissa, even to total strangers, telling them how lazy and useless Larissa was and how her only friend was a hybrid..."
Maybe make it a snippet of dialogue…? Go into Larissa's head and have her hear her mother complaining to a friend on the phone or at tea or lunch or something….? Might have more impact. :)

These lines in particular seem a little redundant/repetitive to me:
"Emily was Elisabeth's pride and joy. How exactly had she felt when Emily moved in with Larissa?"

This is just a suggestion. Perhaps go straight into this part in the beginning and then intercut sections like Larissa's mother talking to her friend about how worthless her daughter is:
"It had been five years previously. Larissa and Emily had both attended St Cecilia's middle school for girls."

Okay, being honest here. I'm really not into the lactating thing. It's just not my taste. I feel like the whole story takes a weird 180 degree turn here into cartoony fetish land. It's way too extreme IMO:
"spurting twin fountains of the thick, milky liquid into the basin."
Even women who have been breast feeding for months or even a couple of years never 'spurt' milk. Human beings and humanoids don't spurt like cows who have been bred for centuries. Frankly human-like breasts simply don't provide the right equipment (unless Emily's nipples are thirteen centimeters long). It's so ridiculous it makes the whole girls school scene unbelievable to me. Emily isn't even pregnant. If that happened to her when she was barely into puberty why aren't her breasts spouting milk constantly in the present?

Unfortunately, due to my aversion to the boob spurting the rest of the scene is kinda ruined for me.

Which doesn't mean you should change it though. It just means that you might want to be aware that doing boobymilk stuff and related fetishy scenes will narrow the appeal of your story. Some people love this stuff and you may want to target those audiences. I'm not sure how many readers who are into that kind of thing you can find here on FP. Honestly, I have no idea (there may be lots). And I have no problem with fetishy stuff, meaning I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's just I don't enjoy reading it, particularly when it's this extreme and quite frankly, silly.

I hope you don't think I'm judging you or your ideas in any way. I believe every writer should feel free to explore whatever way out there ideas they find interesting. I just wasn't expecting this story to go that far into freaky breast milk world and I don't think I'll be able to give any helpful reviews if that's where you are headed in future chapters.


Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 4 . 10/18/2014
Again, a shorter review, but I honestly enjoyed this chapter a lot. It's nice to see some more depth on Larissa and her motivations. What I especially enjoy is that you make it clear that her feelings are most definitely more than just friendship, even though it may or may not be clear to Larissa herself. I enjoyed it, because you weren't too direct about it (in fact, the first half of this chapter was relatively ambiguous) but you do throw in little details here and there that suggests a sexual interest (her wanting to kiss her etc); it's a good way of representing sexuality, because it still leaves the reader guessing, but also paints an interesting picture of the character. What I also further liked is that you didn't just tell us more about her feelings, but indirectly painted a picture too of Emily's home life; I really liked that she came from a loving family, and that Larissa herself felt more whole because of being allowed to partake in that life. What it means (and I really liked that, because it made this chapter thought-provoking) is that Emily is like Larissa's ideal, but also someone she needs emotionally, because of how she fills the holes of her own life. It's needy and could be destructive/too dependent, but it's also sort of sweet and heart-aching.

What I also liked about this chapter was the structure: you started out with the present, but then moved to the past once the present scene ended; it felt very natural to me, like a flashback that Larissa would be having once she fell asleep. I think that was quite clever too :3
Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 10/18/2014
I really liked the way you elaborated on the technology and the science of this futuristic society by going into detail about the various tools and processes of their daily lives. It gives the story more substance and shows just how commonplace and widespread the technology is throughout their society. The story itself was also commendable, leaping from sci fi romance to a sort of "space opera-esque" towards the end while still retaining the same tone. I thought things were moving a tad too fast between Emily and Leo, especially with all the flirting but I liked how you ended it on a soft, touching manner between the two of them. Dextror has the potential to be a pretty imposing villian for this story as well!
deadaccount2019 chapter 1 . 10/15/2014
[Opening] To be honest, I found it difficult to get through the opening scene. The main problem is that names, particularly Larissa's, are repeated way too often, which made the reading feel as though it was droning away instead of flowing, and in turn made me not want to continue. You chose a good starting point-the brewing conflict between Larissa and Emily-to pique the reader's interest, and the scene runs a decent length, but it would help a lot to restructure the sentences so that the writing isn't relying on the repetition to keep the girls straight.

[Writing] Throughout the chapter I find there's a lot more telling than showing going on. We're told that Leo's nervous when he arrives at Emily's, but how does that translate? Is he sweating? Heart palpitations? A powerful hunger for peanut-butter-and-pickle-sandwiches? A lot gets summarized in the narrative or simply exposed in dialogue, with very little attention paid to things like sensory or behavioral details, making it difficult to get immersed in what's going on.

[Plot] I'm kind of on the fence where the plot is concerned. I was half way through the chapter before I went back up and read the summary. It feels like a lot of exposition is going on this chapter for the backstory, which kind of weakens the story's ability to stand on its own. On the other hand, the exposition means that a lot of key questions get answered so the reader can move on to what's presently happening. In the end, how successful the backstory is delivered I think is going to depend on the writer's intent and the reader's individual reception/preferences.

[Character] Originally I was going to address Emily, but I want to give her some more time to develop, so instead I'll address Dextror. I don't know how he'll play into the story, or if he'll even play a role beyond backstory, but he ended up being somewhat of a disappointment once he started talking. The narrative builds him up a bit, and I started to feel some tension toward him, but his dialogue killed a lot of the scariness about him. The entire time the holocube is playing his broadcast he sounds like a half-wit villain from a really bad staurday morning cartoon. The one thing he does do is pot Emily and Leo's characterizations into perspective. Although they don't feel particularly strong at the moment, they are far more realistic than Dextror.

I apologize for this review being so critical. I've been in overdrive with cleaning up some of my own works, so I'm kind of set on high-critique atm. I do hope that the review's helpful, and hopefully next time I review I'll be in a more leisurely state of mind. Keep on writing!
LiVEWiRE360 chapter 1 . 10/12/2014
I like that this story is different. I havent read a story like this one. I also like the futuristic setting and the characters because theyre different and sound original. Good story :)
m. b. whitlock chapter 3 . 10/6/2014
I really like Krystal in this chapter. How old is she supposed to be? I am guessing she's in her late fifties? Anyway, she seems like an interesting, intelligent and caring woman in this chapter. I have to say that I like her a lot more in this than I did in "Seeds of Destiny". Then again, I only read chapter 1 of that story and it looks like you have updated since then so I might find her more developed in the later chapters of "Seeds" as well.

I am a little curious why Thea is there. If this is a research project for Leo, meaning a work-related meeting, why does he bring his wife? Does Thea work in a related field?

I like the opening a lot. The way that you describe and make use of Krystal's "analytical" investigative journalist's eye. This section also give us a slightly different perspective of the four young people too.

So, I have some notes:

"Krystal surveyed the young people *sat around* the table with her analytical eye."
As I said above, I like this opening paragraph. I do think you have a few unnecessary words in the sentence above though. Here's a quick suggestion should you wish to edit it, 'Krystal surveyed the young people at the table with her analytical eye'. :) Just a little cut.

Like this though you could trim it some as well:
"Her detective's instinct came into play and she took in the details of each of the four."

"she felt a pang of sadness even after all these years, but letting Jimmy go had been the right thing. Let it be said that she was a cougar no more."
Why was it the 'right thing'? If Krystal and Jimmy had developed a real relationship I can't imagine she would still consider herself 'a cougar' towards him. There are lots of healthy couples where there's a significant age difference. Obviously few people object if a man marries a woman twenty years younger. ;) Lots of older women have long, healthy relationships with younger men these days (it's actually been happening since the dawn of civilization) so it's a little hard for me to imagine a future society that resembles our own where a woman would see a loving long term relationship with a younger man as an impossibility. Women live longer than men anyway. Sorry to soapbox. ;)

Like the way Krystal analyses Emily:
"She had a perfectly symmetrical nose and her cheekbones were proportioned with unnatural precision."

Little fix here:
"Her lovely mouth with its full lips, would have put any Hollywood *Starlet* to shame." Should be 'Hollywood starlet', no capitalization needed. :)

"Surely it didn't take her detective's instincts to guess why he looked at Emily so misty eyed and dreamy…?" Why the '?'?

"It was obvious enough to Krystal that Emily viewed the genetically engineered being as a lost father figure."
Hmmm… This sounds a little strange to me. Dax was her father, not a 'father figure'.

Like Jerry Springett!

Like this line about the "Weirdo Hour". Fun concept too:
"Only beings who were totally mad went on the Weirdo Hour…"

Okay I think you could work on this transition some:
"Several hours later, at 3 AM, the grave yard slot, the Weirdo Hour began on the TrashTalk channel."

I'm just not sure whose perspective I'm engaged with in this scene. If it's supposed to be the host, you might want to develop him as a character a little bit more so we get a sense of who he is.

Well, I liking this! Hope you update soon.


TheGreatEscaper chapter 1 . 10/5/2014
A strong and promising opening! I really liked the way you inter-weaved the history of the illegal children with normal human drama (the affair). However, I thought some of Emily's character traits were a bit inconsistent, and the first paragraph really confused me about her age. She acts quite childlike for most of it (it's even suggested she gets upset when stepping on bugs), but then the way she acts during the lead-up to the act is a bit... forced. I know you were trying to use the clip of the tyrant and the subsequent comforting as Leo's 'method' of getting what he wanted, but the scene is played out too quickly for it to feel natural.
You've laid down the potential for plenty of subplots (extremely well), but the world doesn't feel rich enough at the moment. The settings are bland and undeveloped so far, barely described, and we really want to know what the outside world is like in the future you have created. This might be a bit nitpicky of me (I know that you'll probably address this later in the story), but it was the main thing that I felt was lacking. You develop the characters, and the feeling of each paragraph so well, that the settings, barely mentioned, contrast in an awkward way compared to the rest of your writing.
It's a nice opening, with a decent hook but not the strongest in my opinion (it seems too rooted in backstory, which, while interesting, is hardly suspenseful). Try to spread out the history a bit more so that the reader feels less bogged down into it.
I'm being super critical here, so don't think that I hated it; in fact, the contrary. I loved what you've done with Emily (bar what I mentioned above), a quirky, almost vulnerable character that we want to care for.
I'll definitely be reading the next few chapters of this (and more when they're uploaded). Great job with this chapter!
Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 3 . 10/5/2014
Heya :D A bit more tired, so the review is going to be less helpful, but it was nice seeing Krystal again. I like that you explained what happened in the previous story, with little hints like Krystal leaving her partner behind: it helps older readers grasp what happened and also introduces newer readers to the backstory. It never gets too confusing or too cluttery, which I appreciate. I like how Krystal observes everyone in this chapter, especially Emily. I found her descriptions to be very precise and even affectionate – like it seems that even Krystal has a bit of an interest in Emily (but then, she really is striking). I also like how she described Leo and Larissa; it really helps put these characters into perspective. I like how protective she feels of all the 'kids' and how much love she shows for her own son – it's evident that that she really cares about him (and the differences in appearances between him and Emily are interesting!).

I don't have much to say about the second scene – I'm kind of too tired to really say much on; I like that it's a parody on the bad guy and all that XD.
m. b. whitlock chapter 2 . 10/3/2014
I think you are doing a good job developing this story. I feel like I'm really starting to get to know Emily and Larissa and Leo. I can't say I have much of a sense of who Thea is but she doesn't seem to be a major character at this point. I figure you will develop her more if/when she becomes more important.

I like the scenes between Larissa and Emily. You established Larissa's 'big sister' sense of responsibility and affection towards Emily in the very beginning of the story so it's easy to believe her behavior here. I like how they talk about mundane things like 'junk food' and their different metabolisms. I also like the way that you portray Leo's inner world here. The preparations he makes for Thea's return, though he does it because he feels guilty, are nonetheless endearing. I do come away from their night together with question however. Did he tell Thea about Emily or not? I think the answer is no but perhaps you might want to make that more clear. :)

I guess the only main critique I have for this chapter is close to what I said about the last one. I still feel Leo and Emily's uncontrollable passion for each other seems a bit rushed. I can totally believe that they are super hot for each other, but having full-on sex the first time they are alone together? I don't know, it doesn't quite match the characters you have built for them. So really hot kissing would totally make sense, getting close to intercourse but not quite there… I mean, wasn't Emily a virgin before Leo?

I guess it might just be that I would find their emotions more convincing and the sexual attraction between them more appealing if you built it up more instead of 'blowing it' in the very first chapter. Just my opinion. :)

Overall, I think this is an enjoyable chapter, the plot is moving at a good pace and your writing is smooth and easy to read. I only found a few little typos/errors. Your style is definitely coming along nicely!

Here are some notes:

""I just wanted him to love me and to feel him inside me.""
So, this really makes me wonder if Emily was a virgin before she and Leo had sex. If she was, this line doesn't do enough IMO to express how she must have felt about having sex for the first time. Not to go on and on about it, but I think that scene between them should be more significant. Maybe give us flashbacks… If Emily enjoyed it it would be good to show us why. Not with graphic physical description but with glimpses of intimacy and sensation. I keep talking about this because I feel the relationship between Emily and Leo is the most important relationship in the story, so far anyway. :)

This makes sense:
""If you're meeting him again, I'm going to as well," said Larissa decisively. "I'll soon see what this guy is really about.""
Again, I like 'big sister' Larissa here.

Like details like this:
"He had bought her favourite flowers, pink and mauve roses that would change their hue over time." Nice bit of futuristic setting there. :)

Like this part as well:
"Her mascara was smudged which indicated she had had to stand while on the bus, with no opportunity to touch it up." Shows us something about how Leo thinks about Thea.

I wonder, is the 'airbus' is like a dirigible…?

"They made love and he kept himself at it, making sure he pleased her and did not fall asleep."
He can literally fall asleep while doing it? Hmmm…

"Emily put down the holocube." You referred to it as a 'holophone' earlier, ringing with the 9th symphony. You might want to decide which it is and stick to that term. :)

"He was a grown man now, he shouldn't be letting his hormones rule him."

Like that Larissa starts out with this:
""I'll cut to the chase," said Larissa abruptly. "Leo, I know what went on between you and dear Emily.""

"Larissa frowned. Leo wasn't sure he liked Emily's friend very much."
I understand why Leo feels this way. Larissa is obviously an obstacle and is probably making him feel even more guilty. But I don't quite get why Leo thinks this about her though:
"What was her problem?"
I mean, doesn't he know what her problem is? She obviously is concerned for Emily. Leo seems a sensitive enough guy to get this IMO. :)

Like this bit:
"Emily put both her hands to her face, eyes wide. He almost forgot Larissa was even there as he gazed back at her."

"so no images or DNA imprints had been garnered from him." DNA 'imprints'? Sounds a little antiquated, like fingerprints. Perhaps something like 'no images or DNA revealing cellular material…' ?

Like this action scene:
""Not your jewels..." rasped the strange shape. Suddenly it cast *of* its fabric and revealed its true self - the last sight the thief would ever see just before it tore him limb from limb. Steaming viscera were strewn all over the alley."
Think you mean 'off' instead of *of* though. :)


Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 2 . 9/28/2014
I have quite a lot of thoughts about this chapter, but I always find it hard to sum up things when I finally get down to reviewing. But, but I really like Larissa's protective attitude towards Emily: she's a great friend for not slut-shaming Emily, but protecting her and offering her help and support. I'm not saying Emily is blameless, but I think that Emily herself already knows well enough that she made a mistake (and yes, it always takes two to tango). The way I see it, Emily is just a lonely girl who desperately wants to be loved and not to be viewed as a freak. And I kind of like how Larissa sees that - sees her as a sweet and beautiful girl whom she wishes to be remain happy. It shows just how much she cares. Also, I'm definitely convinced that Larissa is in love with Emily, but not saying anything about it for reasons of her own. I like that she remains protective though, and offers to accompany her when Leo offers another date to meet up.

Hmm, Leo - I'm so torn about him. He does seem aware of having made a mistake, but he keeps falling into this trap of continuing to foster his affections for Emily. Unlike Larissa though, he seems more fond of Emily because she's a hybrid/different. And I think Larissa is right in being wary of him. However, what I do like about Leo is that he, at least, feels guilty and kind of tries making it up to his wife. So I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy, just someone with poor judgement. As long as he doesn't see Emily as a woman of her own merits and not just as a hybrid, I'm not trusting him with Emily's heart though. I like that he's an important plot device though: like he is the link between the first story and this sequel which brings Krystal back into the picture. I am really curious as to how this will pan out.

The last scene was fun - I liked Dextor made a reappearance and how his last line made me feel excited for the next chapter :)
Shampoo Suicide chapter 1 . 9/28/2014
Plot: While I'm quite interested in seeing where this is going given the strange circumstances of Emily's existence, I felt that perhaps the romance was a bit hurried between Emily and Leo. It does make me wonder if it's a part of her altered DNA though, perhaps some quality that makes her irresistible? Regardless, it's a very interesting premise and I'm excited to read more and see where this mistake takes Emily.

Characters: I like the friendship you've developed between Larissa and Emily, it seems real and you show us about their characters through each other which is a great way to do it I think. I'm unsure of how I feel about Leo at the moment, but I suspect that will become clearer as one reads on. I'm interested in seeing how he deals with the ramifications of cheating, it will help shape his character better for me I think.

Writing: Solidly written overall, you have a great way with description though I think you may have hammered home the greenness of Emily's skin a few times too many, haha. Not that it was terribly done or anything, just got repetitive reading that her skin was green so many times. But the way you described her initially was great.

Enjoyment: I must say I liked it! I was skeptical that I would given this type of genre isn't usually my forte, but your prose made it a compelling read and the plot is interesting enough that I'd continue. Well done!
m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 9/22/2014
RG Depth #4,434

I like many qualities of this first chapter. I like the friendship between Larissa and Emily and I think you've created some pretty believable characters. Larissa, Emily, Leo and Thea are all quite believable. They all seem like nice young people trying to get by and deal with their daily lives. None of them appear to be overly heroic or despicable. Good, balanced portrayals. :) I think my only major critique is that the romance between Leo and Emily seems just a bit rushed. I feel things might be just a tad more realistic if you had Emily merely tell Larissa that she met Leo and that she's really hot for him but she's upset because he has a fiancée and it seems unlikely that they will ever be able to be a couple or something… maybe? Basically, I am recommending that you build things more slowly between Emily and Leo. Just a suggestion. :)

Okay for the remainder of this in depth review I will continue to discuss the following topics: opening, plot, character, setting, relationships and writing/techniques/style.

I think the opening line is nice:
"Larissa could always tell when her flatmate was agitated."
It really functions well as a quick introduction to the story. We immediately learn that there are at least two characters, Larissa and her roommate, and that they are likely friends, since Larissa can "always tell when her" roommate is upset.

I like the small details you include later on in the first paragraph, like their "little kitchen", that establish the setting, but I would honestly like to get a bit more here. What color is the kitchen? Since this is taking place in the future (I assume it is anyway) a few tidbits about the advanced technology even young women in a cheap flat have access to (or don't) would be great here. Like does the refrigerator unit also prepare food? Or is it an ancient appliance that looks worn and leaks or something…? Just a sentence or two more would also help set the mood, the atmosphere for your narrative.

I really like this description of Emily:
"In the electric light, Emily's skin seemed to shine a bright, vivid green."
I like that you pull setting, i. e. the lighting, into this. I get the sense that the lighting looks like some florescent lighting today, harsh and greenish. Perhaps this kind of lighting which would be unflattering for most normal people actually enhances Emily's appearance because of her vivid green skin…?

Like this detail but I'd cut the last clause:
"Now there were smears of chocolate around Emily's dark green lips, which invariably meant the same thing." Means the "same thing" as what? We already know she's eating chocolate because she's upset. Don't think you need this kind of awkward reminder (I am saying awkward because the subject of 'meant' is imprecise and I feel it throws off the cadence of the language too).

I really like this:
""It's a pinkie/greenie promise."" This quickly establishes Larissa and Emily's friendship. It's a great little image that resonates well.

Like this quick domestic portrait of Thea and Leo's life together:
"It seemed she had been upset by the mess he had left in the sink.

"No, it's fine, I'll just clean up Leo, don't worry about it," she had said, glaring at him, her blue eyes glinting with her anger and her pale cheeks flushing pink."
Cool little bit of dialogue there as well. We understand pretty immediately that Thea is a bit uptight not the easiest person to live with. Leo also seems somewhat absent-minded. I like them. :)

Really like the way you describe Leo's attraction to Emily. But I think you might want to cut this sentence:
"He scarcely dared to admit, even to himself, that he found her attractive."
It doesn't really make sense to me. He obviously is aware of his attraction and it's very powerful! I get that the attraction scares him but he knows what's happening. Maybe talk about how freaky and scary the depth and power of the attraction is.

Missing a period **:
"Emily beamed as he stepped inside*.* She was wearing a low cut, tight fitting black dress and high heels."

""But they lied to the mothers - and the prospective fathers too, when *that* applied,"
I think you mean 'when *they* applied'. :)

Okay, here's a language tip, maybe avoid terms like 'manhood':
"She hugged him in greeting and he felt his manhood harden at her touch and her firm breasts pressing into his chest."
They just seem somewhat cliché to me. No big deal or anything.

"They are going to create a monster."" Doesn't he mean 'create monsters'? Even if Dextror is the only truly monstrous being, the lab made Dax father a lot of babies. When Dax said this wasn't it possible that many monsters were potentially on the horizon?

"She turned over the holocube and glaring lights spewed forth, forming the image of a towering, muscle bound, luridly green giant who towered over them. His wicked black eyes stared down at them unblinking, his dark green lips were drawn forth to reveal his teeth. In his hands he clutched a model globe."
This is mostly a plot thing but it relates to character development and relationships too. See, I don't understand why Emily and Leo watch this holo recording of Dextror. Leo and Emily are close in age and especially considering Leo's research, he must know all about Dextror, everybody in this world knows about the monster that tried to destroy the world, right? I could understand them watching something they both remembered for nostalgic and bonding reasons but this clip of Dextror must very upsetting to Emily, since she is a product of the same horrible facility and research that produced evil monster Dextror (who killed her father). What if Leo simply remembers how sacred he was as a little kid when he first saw images of Dextror and learned who he was (even if it was clips from the past). This would give us more insight into Leo's character and show us that he is a sensitive guy (instead of telling us).

Overall I think this is a very interesting start!


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