|Reviews for ROSE|
| M.R. Hill chapter 1 . 5/7/2016
Been meaning to review you back finally for confession's prologue and how helpful it was! I did try to with other one, but something was throwing me off there when reading, which I'll address in this. I decided to just dive into ROSE for now as I picked it up a couple of days ago and want to keep going.
I enjoyed this start! Alright, first up, the three different POVs starting out in this was a nice touch to bring into the world and toss into the situation. Tsukiko’s situation got me into things, plus like fact she made a point of fleeing as swiftly as possible. She really intrigues me as of now!
Azure meanwhile I’d say hit the less strong, though only because he was just arriving home and listening to the news. Still, I do have that instant understanding of his wealth and whole serious demeanor. I am curious as to how he’ll weave in given I know nothing about him.
Lily got my favorite introduction in all of this! Just, holy shit was that a memorable opening. I do like you starting with Noland and all of them, got a good sense of them being guys at a bar joking around and so on. The dialogue there is probably my favorite portion of all this. Also was a nice way to further bring into things there. Then for her to just bust in and start slaughtering everybody like that, holy shit! I do like choreography there from what I’m picturing. It’s a good, efficient start to things.
So yeah, I’m sold on continuing and curious as to how they’ll weave together. I’ve no content complaints, strong opening. Hell, I’d probably just say something like I’d use a stronger hooking sentence that contains character and activity to start off strong instead of the zooming in type of thing.
Alright, before I go on, let me say I do think you’re prose is fine. I don’t consider it amateur or just decent or anything like that. I can read it, I can understand what’s going on, and so on.
So, having said that, your prose is precise, but lacks panache. It’s the thing that was driving me crazy as you’re not a dull or bad writer, but something seemed off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. At first I assumed it was the present tense that threw me off, and while I’m not a fan as it feels awkward to me, it’s not that. It’s how distant and clinical it reads. First there’s a bit of “is” used throughout, which adds to how I feel like I have a narrator telling me things as opposed to being immersed into the experience. An example:
[The assassin is shrouded in a black cloak, while knives hang from a pouch attached to his belt. His face is hidden behind a mask in the shape of a skull, but his dark black eyes drill into Tsukiko as he points a pistol at her.]
Something that shows more to him would help like [The assassin knelt, features shrouded beneath a black cloak while knives that hang from his pouch glistened.] Not the best example, but something more that adds to it.
Other examples, but yeah, the narration lacks any emotional variance and feels dispassionate.
The other factor I think might be causing a problem for me is your underuse the period. As a whole, the sentences are medium to long length sentence after medium or long length sentence. More periods might help. It’s a matter of variety. It’s something I’ve kept an eye on myself to avoid becoming monotonous.
I believe an excerpt from A Dash of Style summarizes why underuse occurs: “Academics and scholars tend to use long sentences, as they are used to reading longer sentences themselves. They are able to retain many concepts in one sitting, to hang on to a concept while it twists and turns through many other concepts; their mistake is assuming that a lay reader can do the same (or even wants to). This is rarely the case.”
Anyway, the second part is a bit more of a theory that I want to toss out there as this new data might help.
[Before he can place his finger on the trigger, however, Etienne coughs up blood as Lily slips past him and lands a cut across his abdomen.]
And wanted to highlight that entry since it is bugging me. More I felt it threw off a bit of action/reaction setup since we got the reaction before the action. I was confused there. What I’d do, to also help convey the speed before reaction in next sentence as you have…
[Before he can place his finger on the trigger, Lily slips by, slashing his abdomen.]
A good start which I think is held back a bit by how distant the narration feels!
| Darth Zannacross chapter 30 . 4/11/2016
Well, a lot less happened then I figured, the racists punks are rather feeble to lose to a pair of high school students who just had a bat and a knife, but, anime logic I suppose, and theses idiots are clearly more bark then bite.
Eh, if she was never going to come back she should have just died, unless she will return as a bad guy down the line in Rose, we will see. I figured Ryota would be the one to bite the big one, guess we will see. Also wonder if Mister Proto Muruta Azrael is going to show up one day to finish this grudge?
Well, we will see, not bad I guess, though it did not seem as crucial a backstory as I figured. Well, hope the Pendulum turns back to the present soon enough, till next time Wong.
| jamesisawesome chapter 30 . 4/9/2016
And almost as abruptly as it came back "ROSE" is once again gone.
Well, I did enjoy finally getting some more context on Tsukiko.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 29 . 4/1/2016
Glad Ryota did not react like half the cast in the X-Men and instantly condemned Tsukiko for having hidden powers. Even so, to bad everyone else is rife with old fashion racism/ every other jackass ism, good grief. Well, did not think it would escalate to murder but damn, they got angry fast, damn Donald Trump supporters.
Well, hopefully Yuriko won't get to bitter at not being chosen, we will see, but looking forward to how things turn from here, till next time.
| cmaej chapter 12 . 3/31/2016
Azure is like, "Wait, war? Now? We ain't got no army! Wud I sign up for!?"
Arctus is like, "Azure, you asshole. Whatcha got us into?"
Tsukiko is like, "Whatever, whatever. I do what I want."
Kimmel is like, "We gonna die, son."
| Darth Zannacross chapter 28 . 3/26/2016
SO this is were our princess learns the grand power of friendship? Or, where its all bitterly taken away? Well, we will see soon enough.
Well, in the meanwhile, racism sucks, high school peer pressure sucks, racist high school peer pressure sucks most of all, expect for this apparent off-branch of Blue Cosmos, good freaking grief.
So, the KKK jackasses forced our princess to reveal her Mutant, er, special ability eh?
Seems like the prelude before even more intense action, guess we will see how Ryota reacts. Heh, he all ready seems like a better lead then Azure but, guess we will see what happens, till next time.
| cmaej chapter 11 . 3/21/2016
Poor Arctus. Azure demoted him to gopher boy now that Tsukiko is back. I can hear the distant cries of Arczure ship fangirls. lol
Now Azure is ready to drop Xavier, too? Tsukiko is the ship sinker!
On a seriously note, I actually thought Azure would be more conflicted. I have a feeling it will catch up with him once it's time to do the deed.
| cmaej chapter 10 . 3/21/2016
Shoulda mentioned this in the previous chapter, but I thought Azure would be the one to initial the reunited huggles. /punts Azure
Azure is sure taking Tsukiko's return in stride, especially after he lost Ophelia. I thought he would be upset and going "I miss you, I though you were dead, etc." But it seems all good. They even still have their team chemistry. *w*
Wait, did they leave the puppy? I knew we'll never see it again. *cries*
| SmutPuppy chapter 9 . 3/21/2016
Finally, Tsukiko reunites with Azure. While he lived in his fancy mansion she's been squatting in abandoned buildings.
That's a well-trained puppy. Betcha we never see it, again. ;-;
Astra is back? I swear they need to find his clone base and murda them all. I wonder what element this one has.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 27 . 3/18/2016
A few months eh? Well, seems we kick things back off with, the past?
Well, I see Tsukiko had a rough teacher, we will see if its one of the gruff on the outside noble on the inside kinds of guys soon enough at least.
Meanwhile, racism, spawning hate since before the wheel was a thing, lol.
Well, school drama for the most part, did, this become a episode of the OC? Well, good to see how she was trained to master both her power and sword skills, we will see how the relationships with Ryota and Yurkio shape her personality and ideology, till next time.
| SmutPuppy chapter 5 . 1/28/2016
I hate Liggins. I won't mind if you bring back Cana if he butt-rapes him till death.
I didn't read ORCHID: The Scandinavian Interlude, so I'm just gonna assume the Prince and Azure buttsecks'd. Hue.
No one knows Edmund's (spelling intentional) plans and he bit the dust. Just great. I actually thought Sheffield was next in the "Be an Ass to Azure" line, but I'm glad he's on Azure's side. Poor kid needs all the support he can get. Fucking Ryan.
I'm seeing less and less of Tsukiko. Sadness.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 26 . 5/1/2015
Well, looks like Xaiver caught his own forces by surprise, and caused more ripples then expected, instead of uniting it might cause a civil war? We will see, seems it worked in Tsukiko's favor after all, now lets see if she can keep the momentum up.
Well, good luck with exams.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 25 . 4/24/2015
So, Xaiver wants to be a super emperor? I wonder how one pulls that off. Well, lots of back stabbing I suppose, we will see.
| Miles Montgomery chapter 17 . 4/17/2015
I'm feeling more romance between Tsukiko and Azure. They're developing slowly, but, developing nonetheless. Eager for more.
| Darth Zannacross chapter 24 . 4/17/2015
Ah Kimmel, he is still alive, lovely, and Liggs is still rather stiff. Meanwhile, Mimi is now quasi Royalty, this reminds me a lot of the episode in Code Geass in China, we will see if this wedding has as much excitement, so far, not so much.
Meanwhile, Cathy is quite the kill joy, maybe being it with a Trans Am burst will get her to be more hopeful? We will see, meanwhile, sounds like Xaiver is being even more shady, this can't end well.
Well, between the General and liggs there is enough people wanting Azure's head on a stick, we will see if tempers flare I suppose.