|Reviews for Deicide Damien|
| 360pages chapter 3 . 1/8/2015
Hmm, this seems to be narrated as if it were a television show. Especially at the start, that seems more like a recap of event that happened rather than us reading the events that unfolded. Which kind of makes sense somewhat if you are making something like a script. It starts become more normal as the chapter goes on.
| Fire Lord 626 chapter 4 . 11/25/2014
Impressive battle, but i wish there was more
| 360pages chapter 2 . 11/24/2014
There some awkward phrasing here or there. Like the bit when Damen Texted Jin back, the sentence could use a little rephrasing. Also, some of the descriptions can be a little much, tone it down somewhat. Describing some characters in detail is important, but just their skin tone and eye and hair color is probably good enough as an introduction with a small sentence of what they are wearing.
| cud-b-better chapter 3 . 10/27/2014
Hm, well Damien took all that a little too well, rather than question what was going on he immediately realised that time had frozen and rather than questioning a statement from a unreliable source he took it on board immediately. It makes him a little too unbelievable as a character at the moment. But gotta love Kari kicking some serious arse whilst the first villain is nothing short of roadkill. Final thing for me to point out, I would before hand take out all the & and replace with and, just use a simple find and replace all.
Action is always something I like to read and it looks as if this series isn't going to have any shortage of it, sweet.
| Fire Lord 626 chapter 3 . 10/17/2014
| Fire Lord 626 chapter 2 . 10/17/2014
Not bad, not bad at all
| Fire Lord 626 chapter 1 . 10/17/2014
| Draphy chapter 3 . 10/19/2014
I love the concept of this story! The Demigod War excites me and I can't wait for it to begin. The flow and characterisation are pretty good. However, on the negative side, your sentence construction needs more work as a previous comment pointed out. Also I think that Damien and perhaps Jin (If he were also unaware of the existence of Greek gods) should be given a lot more time to adjust to this revelation. But good story as a whole! Keep it up!
| MAD ZAC chapter 1 . 10/10/2014
Love the story so far Richie. Keep it up and I will definitely continue to read.
| cud-b-better chapter 2 . 10/10/2014
A good intro chapter to get us acquainted with the characters so the girl is going to be involved in that fight I guess does that mean that Damien is just going to watch from the sidelines or am I missing something? Anyway whilst the story itself is very much enjoyable the technical side probably needs a little second reading, there are a lot of abbreviations with like I mentioned in previous review regarding & as well as numerous tense issues (I actually don't know which one you are going for, past or present). But we've already got ourselves an enemy nearby and I can definitely see this for being an action packed series, which I totally dig.
Anyway some of the errors that I mentioned and possible suggestions (feel free to ignore all this if you wish):
even [tho] he is suppose - [though]
As his Smartphone begin to buzz in his pocket, quickly digging into his pocket - Try changing this to something like "He quickly dug into his pocket as his Smartphone began to buzz." for easier readability and flow.
To see he [have] received - [had]
arrived out he [seen] Jin - [saw]
[wont] you get in trouble - [won't]
Be [quite] Dam - [quiet]
wearing black bandannas on their [on their] heads - [omit out]
said [the] a large teen - [omit out]
The [members Black Fang gang] screamed loudly - [Black Fang Gang members]
pulled out [a] knife - [add into sentence]
into a [park] car - [parked]
getting into [to] these pointless - [omit out]
[every] since Kari - [ever]
Sorry if I'm coming over a little critical I say all in the best intentions.
Keep writing, I'm already in love with your idea.
| Mike AZ 2 chapter 2 . 10/10/2014
These first two chapters were pretty good so far.
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 10/10/2014
Wow, Greek mythology, although if my memory serves in actual fact Hades was the most reasonable of the three. I'm liking the prologue already just one thing to note, you should probably use "and" instead of "&" though. I'm somewhat getting an almost Law of Ueki feel to this, not that I'm complaining.
| King of Emperors chapter 2 . 10/9/2014
Great opening Chapter Richie for your first story, I just have one thing to say the fight scene between Kari & the Black Flag Gang could have been longer, she defeated them to quickly in my opinion unless you was using that to demonstrate her strength as a Demigod which was a great way to end the first chapter finding out Kira is the daughter of Zeus.
Keep up the good work.