|Reviews for Blood Trail|
| Alyss20 chapter 12 . 2/8/2015
Love love love your story! Look forward to the next chapter!
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 7 . 1/1/2015
Ooooh, that was really interesting. I really liked getting to learn more about how their world ended up the way it is and the experiments on animals. I’m even more suspicious of Ben now, for knowing things. He’s definitely got some sort of dark secret. Maybe he was experimented on too, or someone he knows. That’s my theory, anyway xD
Anyway, the first part was great too. The tension when Randall was trying to burn Lilith was really well done. I was holding my breath the whole time. There was something I found confusing, though, to answer your question: Why did none of the other hunters would stand up to Randall? I mean, take Maurice, for example – if he really has a kind nature (not to mention he’s big and strong) why wouldn’t he just stop Randall by force instead of just saying nothing? Even if it is a crime for her to be there, I don’t see why they suddenly let Randall call all the shots, especially since it means Lilith will die. It’s not like Ben, their leader, is dead, they could have told Randall to wait until he woke up so he could make the decision. They took their own initiative in letting Randall free, and Lilith said it’s the law to leave him there for 24 hours, so why didn’t they take their own initiative in Lilith’s situation, which would result in the same outcome? Sorry for ranting, by the way, I’m really bad at explaining myself xD
Speaking of Randall, I think his actions and possibility as a future villain (judging from the last line) in this chapter would have more impact if he was mentioned in an earlier chapter. Perhaps when Lilith saw the hunters saying goodbye to their families in the last chapter, or when she’s explaining how she became a guard she could mention him as one of her objectors. Otherwise Randall and his extremist views seemed a little out of the blue to me.
| WhatsTheTimeMrWolf chapter 12 . 12/21/2014
I've really enjoyed reading this story so far- It's a great idea, and I love reading about the development of the characters. I can't wait for an update :)
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 6 . 12/19/2014
My favourite part of the chapter has to be the scene with the other hunters and their families. I liked the bittersweet tone of it, and you did a great way of portraying it. I liked how she realised she and Ben were alike in that way, since they have no family waiting for them to return (at least, not any they’re close to). I wonder what Lilith’s father will think when she disappears. Maybe he’ll think she died :( Poor guy.
I also loved the action at the end and Lilith’s reveal. Your description of the fight with the ice beast was amazing and I was riveted the whole way through :) I wonder how Lilith and Ben will convince the hunters it was a good idea to bring her along. I guess the fact she just saved Ben will probably help xD
One thing I did think could be improved was the transition into Lilith’s flashback about becoming a Guard. I don’t know, it seemed a little out of place to me to randomly have a flashback like that. Buuut, even saying that I did find it interesting. Especially because we got a bit of a glimpse of her mother, which helps me understand Lilith and her motivation to find her more.
As for your questions, there’s not much I can say xD I didn’t think anything was confusing, and there wasn’t any repetition that I noticed. The opening wasn’t particularly grabbing, but then this isn’t the first chapter or anything so I’m already interested in reading the story xD
I guess you could call this a tic. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve italicised words in sentences to emphasize things that aren’t really necessary. For example, this sentence:
“But I forget that I’m not the only one without a family to live for.”
I don’t think there’s really any need to emphasize only in this sentence, the message gets through well without it. And when I’m reading it and place the emphasis on only it makes it sound kind of forced. The other one I disliked in this chapter was: “What are his motives?” I’ve noticed similar situations a few times before, not just in this chapter. Of course, that’s just my opinion and I’m sure you have your reasons for emphasizing those words, but I thought I’d say it anyway so you’re aware :)
| Blazing Lights chapter 2 . 12/15/2014
Opening with a nightmare always a favorite. (That's not sarcasm by the thought I should clarify that.) See some could think opening with a nightmare for a chatper, how cliche but I Don't think that. Because the night,ares are usaully unique aren't they? Like this one is way different compared to let's say a nightmare that Harry Potter has in one of those books. The opening amuses me greatly and I feel that there is some foreshadows in it.
Ben is an intriguing character. My predictions for hims is that he is either gonna be Lilith's love interest or he is gonna be a traitor, maybe both or neither?
I feel the nightmare was of high interest of the chapter. The oh I am on the guard scene with Ben and not much talk was a bit boring but that could also just show stuff about Lilith and Ben as characters.
Have a Wondrous Day!:)
| sammy20 chapter 11 . 12/15/2014
I'm really loving the plot of your story! I'm addicted! Your writing is great and I love the characters you've created. Can't wait for more :)
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 5 . 12/15/2014
This chapter seemed so light-hearted xD It was quite surprising after the angstiness of the story so far, but I really enjoyed it. I laughed quite a few times, specifically when Lilith was hiding her skill with the bow. I’m glad that something is working out for her, anyway. She’d make a way better hunter/huntress than the guy that can’t even set a rabbit snare. I’m excited and scared for the next chapter now. I’m sure once they go beyond the wall something big is going happen (I know, I’m such a genius for figuring that out ;P).
I was confused a little at the beginning, when Lilith said: “If I had known Ben was going to accompany us, I wouldn’t have agreed to come along” I mean, Ben’s the head hunter, so it seems obvious to me that he would have come along, I don't see how she couldn't have guessed it :P Or am I missing something?
Here are some things I noticed:
“They still hurt from Ben’s bruising grip, and now being in his presence makes it feel fresher.” Personally I would take out the now, I’m not really sure why but I think it sounds better that way xD
Also, when you described Chris’ appearance (I’m too lazy to type it out) it seemed a little out of place to me. Perhaps you could move it, or reword that part so it doesn’t sound so awkward? I don’t know xD
Also, the paragraph starting with: “I can’t believe that the oldest hunter…” You repeated the word bad a lot in a short space of time. Personally I would find another word for it. Maybe it was deliberate repetition, but it seemed awkward to me.
| Echoed Song chapter 11 . 12/15/2014
Maybe it's just me, but I can't find anything wrong in your writing. I'm too busy being engrossed in the story. Nice plot so far! It's driving! At first, Lilith's attitude was understandable, but I didn't really like her as a main character. Not really someone I'd cheer on. Now, she's great. She's much more likable now than in previous chapters. Also, Ben and Lilith! I was holding my breath in this chapter. Then something had to spoil the party. It's probably Randall or a Dire Wolf. Noooooo!
| Mickey Phinney chapter 12 . 12/11/2014
Ah, I've just read up to here, this is great. Thanks for the read, I'll be back for more :)
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 4 . 12/9/2014
Sorry for the long time in between reviews, I'm so lazy… :-(
I actually liked Lilith a lot better in this chapter – maybe because she showed another side to herself other than anger. I liked how she was frightened of Ben when he was acting crazy, it made her seem more human somehow. I also liked when she was thinking logically, and at the end when she smiled. It made me think: “Aww. Maybe she does have a heart after all” xD
I also liked seeing a darker side of Ben. Buuut, at the moment I’m hoping he and Lilith don’t get together. This story is labelled a romance and I know they’re probably going to (unless another possible male love interest shows up soon :P), but the way he was acting toward her disturbed me, and I don’t like how violent she was either (although it was justified since he was being all creepy). But I’ve never really been into shipping anyway, so it wouldn’t bother me that much if it did happen xD Sorry for rambling, by the way.
Still, his sudden change in personality was intriguing. Maybe he’s been experimented on or something. Lilith mentioned creatures created by humans, so… And that would explain why he isn’t from their village too.
I’ve decided that for now Maurice is my favourite character. I can’t help it, I always like the nice characters best xD So far, he seems pretty nice. I hope he doesn’t die. The nice ones always die! xD
“Was a young woman with no experience…” I think this should be is instead of was.
| EquestrianGirl chapter 11 . 11/27/2014
Wow! Awesome ending, it got intense pretty quickly there. I like this chapter because it explores the other side of Lilith and Ben, and it shows how much they have in common. The beginning was interesting too, because of the imagery used of how she sees herself in the ice. Also, was it just me or did she seem to be a little drowsy at the beginning from the shock of the cut and what had just happened? Anyways, a great chapter and I can't wait until the next one!
| TheTigress chapter 10 . 11/23/2014
Thank you everyone for your reviews! They mean so much to me! I wanted to post this here for everyone to see because TheGreatEscaper brought up a really good point that I wanted to address just so that everyone knows.
Regarding Ben's character, it IS very inconsistent. You are correct when you said this. I just wanted you and any other readers who may have the same question to know that this was actually done on purpose. You will have to read on to the end of the story to know when this is explained, however. :)
I felt like I needed to explain that because I don't want anyone to stop reading or become annoyed at this apparent "flaw" in characterization. I'm glad that you guys seem to like it so far. :) Your comments help me to keep going and without them I don't think I would have gotten this far.
| EquestrianGirl chapter 10 . 11/23/2014
It's a good chapter, except at the beginning it seems like you say "I" and "me" a lot and it doesn't seem to flow just right... or maybe that's just me. Other than that, I like how the characters are developing, and how they have consistent personalities. The plot is also interesting, and I'm wondering if Lilith is going to find any more signs that are from her mother...
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 3 . 11/23/2014
This was a great chapter. I’m happy that it looks like Lilith and Co. will be leaving the village. Although, I’m sure they won’t agree to let Lilith go without a fight, but somehow I think she’ll convince them to let her go too :P It's all very intriguing, and scary. I'm really excited to see what the world beyond the village is like.
One thing I thought was that maybe you could mention the stuff about the role of women in their society earlier if it’s an important detail. It’s been a while since I read this so I could have just forgotten, but I don’t remember that really being mentioned other than it being mentioned that it was strange for Lilith to be a guard. It seemed kind of sudden to me because of that. But that’s just a thought.
I really do hope that Lilith and her father make up one day. I think she judges him far too harshly (I'm stating the obvious there :P). He doesn’t seem that weak to me (at least, he could be a lot weaker). I’m sorry, I don’t like seeing families who don’t like each other xD It makes me really sad for some reason.
| TheGreatEscaper chapter 5 . 11/22/2014
I'm really enjoying this story so far!
You've got good grammatical expression and every sentence runs smoothly to the next (for the most part). I like the fact that everything is well described without being over-described, if that makes sense.
Lilith's character is well-developed, but Ben's is really inconsistent, so far. One second he's raging at Lilith for wanting to leave the village and the next he's making her a huntress. I know that the point of the squirrel hunt was to change Ben's opinion of Lilith but it still feels like a too-speedy change of heart. Just a minor quibble, but it still feels a bit awkward to me. Lilith, however, is very well-described (with good use of 1st person), and her (more than) slightly unstable character is compelling.
I usually don't like 'future colonial/dystopian' stories but this story has so far stayed well away from the tired tropes and stereotypes. For once we have a main character who isn't little miss perfect (I'm looking at you, Katniss), and that strangely makes us empathize with her more. Since I'm only 5 chapters in, I can't say too much about where the story is heading but it's good, if not groundbreaking so far.
Everything is in general well-written and smoothly expressed, and you've got a very clean style of writing that makes reading the story very enjoyable. I'm looking forward to reading the next five chapters (and the ones that will come after that), great job so far!