|Reviews for Occult Puzzle: The Beastmen War|
| dmasterxd chapter 3 . 5/9/2016
Lol Corey is hilarious. His cooking is so bad it can be used as a weapon...Ranpo thing is confusing but still a funny joke. Really liked the plot twist of the military being enemies. Fight scenes were pretty good too. Good chapter!
| dmasterxd chapter 2 . 1/26/2016
Rina continues to be awesome both combat wise and entertainment wise. "I'm Ranpo." Lol. Also I'm getting the sense that this might be a gray world with the way Chamely was talking. Starting to get a good understanding of Prisha's character as well. He's a good foil for Rina and brings a great character dynamic for Team Freakshow as a whole. Thinking Darmis has something hidden in the closet. Good chapter!
| dmasterxd chapter 1 . 1/22/2016
First off Rina is...just the best. Don't usually say that in the first chapter of a story, but she just made that big of an impact on me. Strategic, confident, and energetic. Her fight at the begging with the senbons and shuriken was great. I like Corey as well. Lethio is crazy, interesting...but crazy XD. Will need a little bit more time for the others. It was a good start and I look forward to seeing how Rina handles her right with lizard woman.
| Max Sorrell chapter 2 . 3/19/2015
This is incredible! I especially loved the Ranpo bit XD
| Max Sorrell chapter 1 . 3/19/2015
Great start to what I know is going to be an incredible spin off/movie of sorts! I really enjoyed the scene in the beginning with the main four talking to the audience. XD
| 360pages chapter 4 . 2/20/2015
Okay, okay, okay, roll this back. This chapter has good pacing and pretty good description. But I keep noticing that I legit have trouble remembering all these characters. Like we are only four chapters in and we already have 8 characters. This actually didn't bother me much before. The characters interacting themselves is actually pretty nice.
| cmaej chapter 1 . 1/18/2015
“…carrying the cry of an infant in his arms.”
This sentence seems weird. It’s like that guy is carrying the cry instead of the infant.
“…he dropped the baby…” HE WHAT!? ;-;
She concentrated a mystical energy into her right hand as it transformed into a metal spear. "Spear Summon!"
I think “Spear Summon” should come before the description of the metal spear’s materialization.
That way, it will feel like Rina’s callout is part of the summoning of the weapon. But what do I know about summoning spears? ;)
But seriously consider that. The same thing with “Force Blast”.
Rina and Prisha are the only two who stood out for me, likely because four were introduced in success along with their physical profiles.
The fourth-wall breaking… I don’t know what to make of that.
| Starart152 chapter 4 . 1/18/2015
The chapter honestly felt rushed as you said. I checked the previous chapter and try to link it with this one, but I got a little lost with the separate event.
It was still good, but I was disconnected with the story a little until I reconnect. Maybe it's just me who's just confused so don't take my comment completely seriously.
| DevilPogoStick chapter 1 . 1/18/2015
I'll be honest, I was a tad confused when I finally got around to this...so sorry!
Nevertheless, the action seems to kind of solid of how combat works. I can't really say much on the characters since things are going nuts in this lol. But from the sounds of things suggest that these beast men are going to be a pain...a massive one. XD
Keep it up!
| 360pages chapter 3 . 1/17/2015
Actually reading this, I noticed just how much description you have. It's quite nice actually, since I can easily see people having trouble remembering a lot of character do to the sheer volume of them (I know I said this before, but usually there is an introduction arc or few chapters with 3-5 main character to set up the world with the next arc adding a slew of them)
That said, please try to avoid Capslock, it is probably just me, but writing out screams or CAP words to express yelling can easily be done with just a ! point or saying in the prose or description that they screamed. Bold is also an alternative that you can use.
| Daniel Kozaki chapter 2 . 1/17/2015
Hm, the battle has better flow than the last chapter. Your usual deal with battles, but no, not your best. Feels a little bit short for some reason.
'Two of them were simple guards in white uniforms who stood still as statues beside the door, a more important one was a stern woman with short red squiggly hair who spoke...' - oh man, another tacky way of fitting in descriptions. By putting it in one sentence, in the way you presented it, it makes the reader consider whether the woman is one of the two, or is a third person.
'The tall man in a suit next to the lady said, he had brown horn hair. "Let me introduce myself, I am Minister Darmis."' - [he had brown hair] was placed awkwardly, separating the tag from the dialogue. I suggest putting it somewhere else, like, after the dialogue.
Lol. Ranpo. 'Rina conjured a large hammer and whacked Ian into a wall with it.' - lol
Well, I can guess that overall you're introducing the setting. Is a detective game incoming? The problem with it is writing has its limitations as it depends on the reader to visualize everything. Especially with many characters being introduced in quick successions, the kind of 2D characters that has barely seconds of screentime. Another thing might be your lack of visual aids, like... descriptions of scenery, or descriptions that appeal to the imagination instead of merely shoving in information.
Prisha's cautiousness with both sides' motives seems to be like a key foreshadowing, made more so with Darmis's blind insistence later at the fort. Good job making that pretty apparent.
Anyway, good luck.
1. '[It was an idea that almost brought] out a smirk from his pride of it, but Ian focused, descending to his knee.'
2. 'There , he held his sword out...' - [There, he]
3. '"...In fact, more often it's vice verse."' - [vice versa]
4. '"Ah," A familiar man had gasped behind the team."' - ["Ah," a familiar] I see that this is a recurring format issue. After a comma, the first letter shouldn't be capitalized. So I won't point out every instance.
5. 'Darmis asked as the everyone walked along a corridor...' - [Darmis asked as they]
6. 'Darmis persisted.e' - simple typo
7. '...doing push ups...' - [pushups]
8. 'Darmis frowned, causing Rina to turn around and pouted.' - [pout], unless you meant Darmis was the one pouting.
9. '"Yes sir!" The two of them said in unison...' - ["Yes sir!" the two of them said] Dialogue grammar, the action 'said' referring to the line itself, so it is considered one sentence with the line of dialogue. Same as 'shouted', 'argued', etc. if they refer to the dialogue line.
10. '...they saw the room [was] just as large...' - omission. They're sometimes forgiven in dialogues, but not in narration.
11. 'It was [a] messy [blonde-haired] man who approached Darmis then turned to the kids.'
| Sage Young chapter 1 . 1/17/2015
Well, the initial impression from the summary had me thinking a group of kids that were part of perhaps a school's occult club somehow stumbled and got dragged into a war, so the whole magic setting caught me off guard.
Pretty interesting start though, with the fight and all. I personally would have liked more details for things such as mood and immersion, but maybe you wanted it to be fast and action-packed? Quick-paced and whatnot?
Still, the names of the attacks got me intrigued and perhaps a bit annoyed. I usually see them as unnecessary and always out of place in english-oriented stories(no idea why they always feels better in manga and anime) so it had me looking for a reason as to why they need to yell their attacks out. Even the villain, Lethio was doing it. Are they spells or incantations for their attacks? If so, their too literal in my opinion.
Breaking the fourth wall was a daring move. Don't really know what to make of that. I guess it mainly establishes how zany Rina and Corey can be. For some reason, I hope these don't happen too often, otherwise it'll just throw me off from the main story. Also, because of that, I have trouble taking them at their words, and in turn, it weakens the setting of the story a bit. I don't feel as drawn into their universe as much as I should be.
How far does this stumbling into a war with the beastmen last, I wonder? Due to the fact that Min and Lauren are waiting for them back in their town/headquarters, does this mean the story arc or just the entire story is rather short? Or will it end up involving Noth as well, dragging the town into the war?
Finally, a little critique on the writing. Maybe it's just me, but some of the sentences read kinda awkwardly and I think there were a few typos. Guess the chapter needs sprucing up or maybe this is just a style I'm not used to reading.
Overall, it was a decent read. The humor didn't click for me. Nothing struck out and left an impression so I'm still on the fence as to whether it's good or bad. Also, I don't know enough of the story, the characters, the lore or the tone to predict anything yet. I guess that can be good or bad depending on perspectives.
| Starart152 chapter 3 . 1/15/2015
The chapter was really good with the humors. You also use a lot of cliché together in a few lines between Ian and Zak. It was really funny to see them together with few spaces between them.
I have no problem with this chapter.
It was good enough.
| Starart152 chapter 2 . 1/13/2015
This is a good chapter. The fight was short against the beast men, but I ask myself what are their motive in the attack. I wonder what will come next.
The pace of the chapter was well done. I wonder how t will turn out later.
| Starart152 chapter 1 . 1/12/2015
The chapter is interesting. The presentation of the characters were original. I wasn't expecting to present themselves and also cutting at the end.
The chapter ended with just three names of character waiting for something. I'm not sure about the end of this chapter in one line. That's just my personal opinion.