|Reviews for Order of Estaria|
| Ckh chapter 1 . 12/6/2014
For the RG EF:
I liked how you describe the closeness of the two main Glev and Lania, especially at the part where it says "the touch of their hands helped fend off the biting could for a little while." This gives me a rough idea about how close Glev and Lania are with each other. (They are really close)
I also like how you small little details you added like "their heavy leather boots sunk deep into the snow. Every step made their bodies feel like lead." These details give me a "feel" of the surroundings that the main characters are in and thus, I could visualize the surroundings easily.
| Random Hero Fan chapter 5 . 12/1/2014
Aww, that's okay! I'm getting to read it now, so yay!
Plus, I really do think that the story gets more settled into a groove as the chapters move us forward. The writing is easier, more assured. I love the mystery presented by the old man of the shack, since Emily couldn't pin him down as a threat or a help. I had a moment when she asked Seijo what he was dreaming (hee). Later, I really enjoyed watching as Seijo basically communed with the moonlight - my idea of moonkin keeps getting clearer, which is great.
The end - CLIFFHANGER! How dare you?! X3 That was really good. Very tense. I could feel the heavy air just like Emily. Update soon, please!
| Cheddar-Graham chapter 2 . 11/28/2014
For the RG EF
The beginning of the chapter was a little confusing for me. Was it a dream? I guess so, in which case I think that could be emphasised a little more. Eg Seijo could think about it a little more since it was an upsetting experiences, but instead he gets all excited over berry tea...
I like how you put the moon everywhere like the Solstice Moon and Moon Tower and the Moonkin. It intrigues me how significant a role the moon plays in this world and make me want to find out more about this world.
| Cheddar-Graham chapter 1 . 11/28/2014
For the RG EF
I like how you show us the close relationship between the two characters by their interaction, rather than telling us so. The air of mystery about them also helps to draw me into the story.
I like the description of the tavern. It sounds very cosy and is a good contrast to the description of the cold landscape earlier. At the same time, you also introduce us to Estaria, the land in the title of the story, so it was neatly done.
| Turandin sky chapter 4 . 11/26/2014
Excellent job with these four chapter. Grammatical errors are present, but they can be easily removed with the help of a beta. You've set up your fantasy world nicely here. I'll be waiting for the next few chapters.
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 11/24/2014
For the RG EF
I like the solid fantasy-genre style of the writing. The narrative voice is clear and not too 'modern', as well as the dialogue. At the same time, it's not so ye olde English that it makes reading difficult. Good balance.
I also like the details you included, which help to establish the feel of the story and put readers in the right mood. I'm getting the frozen wilderness vibe very strongly here, along with the excitement of a quest of some kind.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 11/23/2014
I like how you put readers directly into action without spending time with an over-lengthy set-up. This is only a prologue, so it'll be easier to expand upon setting and circumstance once the story proper begins. As it is, you've hinted at a strong relationship between this man and a woman, and a bit of tension between them as well.
One thing you might want to check is the technical side of dialogue—punctuation, capitalization, speech tags, etc. You've definitely got some errors there, but a quick bit of Googling should point you in the right direction, and I know that such a seemingly small change will have a huge impact on the clarity of your prose.
| Random Hero Fan chapter 4 . 11/22/2014
Hanyaaaaaan - it's so strange to see my doodle as the cover image for this story! LOL!
So, gamers. Only we would write about a prince looting highwaymen on his first foray into the world. Seriously, Seijo, didn't they teach you better manners than that? X3
[The view before them, however, was staggering to Seijo, he hadn't seen many suns rising.] I love this so much! And Emily is so clear-headed, making him keep his cloak on. Way to work in the details we were talking about. Also, Aprotic - now I want some. Sounds yummy.
Next chapter, please!
| Guest chapter 1 . 11/19/2014
Very simple writing and easy to grasp! I'll definitely
| Hilltophill chapter 2 . 11/18/2014
Ey Tokhi! Guess who?
So I read the prologue and you show us 'Estaria' through Glev's eyes, who is also not familiar with this land. I love how clever that is! The narrative is good and balanced with sufficient dialogue, good job with that!
Ok so chapter 1 is a sudden jump from north to south west, straight into Manensdem? It does feel a little sudden. But again we are experiencing the first unique race in Estaria. I love how they wake up in the evenings, during moon-rise. Another clever way of introducing Seijo's age was when Serenea talks about his '16th solstice moon'. The paintings, music, luxurious food all make the Moonkin seem peaceful and not the ones who enjoy war.
I LOVE the interactions between Seijo and Emily. Emily it seems is some sort of badass fighter chick. We'll wait to confirm that however! I also like the contradictions between the two of them. Seijo seems confident and attention seeking (when he waves and smiles at the crowd) And Emily is clumsy and shy (when she gets stuck in the hedge, drops her belt and tries to run away after the folk realize who they are.
A great introductory chapter to the moonkin, I'd suggest adding some sort of 'hook' at the end, but I understand it is difficult. Although I'd love to read what the 'Ashen Grove' is!
Btw is that boy in the cover photo 'Seijo'? Did you draw him?
| Random Hero Fan chapter 3 . 11/14/2014
Aw, I see what you did there. Secret romance!
I love the idea of the Ashen Grove (though later they say Autari Grove?) being where moonkin go when they die. It sounds beautiful. As did the blood moon and its rays.
Invasion! That was well done. Appropriately scary and tense. I feel really bad for these kids, getting sent out into the world on their own without knowing if their fathers will survive or anything, charged with building an army of foreigners to take back their kingdom! That's a pretty tall order. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
| Timbo Slice chapter 2 . 11/9/2014
I liked the relationship between Seijo and Emily as their interactions with each other feels very natural with their playful squabbling and antics. The Luminons, though I didn't feel were essential to the writing, do a good job of painting your world in a vivd light with the various descriptions of the moon.
Although not much happened in this chapter the writing is crisp and consistent in the tone you've established, but a little more tension goes a long way in giving readers an incentive to keep on reading, especially a good cliffhanger ending!
| alltheeagles chapter 3 . 11/8/2014
Labyrinth exchange #186, no. 2 of 2.
In contrast to the previous chapter, there is action aplenty here. I think it’s generally clear what’s going on, but I could suggest inserting a greater sense of chaos and urgency to emphasise the danger posed by the invaders. Also, I find it a little strange that Seijo would be packed off just like that, literally without even trying to stand their ground. Maybe you could explain a little why it’s so important for him to escape with the Eclipse Bow.
My CC for this chapter is on punctuation, in which there are some mistakes throughout the chapter. Example: “...still facing down at her, his ivory-hued hair waved...” That should either be two sentences, or it could be rephrased as ‘still facing her, his ivory-hued hair waVING’ It’s not such a major problem that it spoils the story entirely, but I feel that having solid editing is quite important to a good story. Likewise spelling, eg “this does not BARE well” should be ‘does not BODE well’
| alltheeagles chapter 2 . 11/8/2014
Labyrinth exchange #186, no. 1 of 2.
Your prose is clear and easy to read for the most part. I enjoy the little touches of humour you insert throughout, like Seijo and Emily’s bickering. They’re funny, but not too heavy-handed. I also find the creative elements very interesting eg the Luminons, which I take to be some kind of living creature that gives off light, and the moonkin who sound very intriguing.
I think this chapter does a good job introducing the setting and establishing the relationship between Seijo and Emily. Some readers would complain that nothing much happened apart from supper and a trip into town, but I have no problem with that. Still, I would suggest having some kind of hook at the end of the chapter to capture the attention of those readers who demand action all the way.
On the CC side, I think it’s not always necessary to describe what a character is doing through their words, eg ‘Seranea tried to drop a subtle hint’ unless the dialogue is very ambiguous. You can trust your readers to interpret the speaker’s intention, and if they misinterpret it then subsequent events should make that clear.
| Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 11/1/2014
I really like the high fantasy tone of this piece, it reminds me of Skyrim or something along those lines. I can tell you put a lot of effort and some time in developing a fleshed out world to place your story in, and I always appreciate that. The story itself starts off somewhat slow however, and I think too much is spent on the dialogue and setting without providing a sort of emotional connection with the main character.
I think you have a good thing going with a wealth of backstory to work on, I'm going to check out more of this soon!