Reviews for Oceans
Monty Mason chapter 1 . 2/3/2015
Hi there,

Thanks for your review on my "The Traumatic" story and in return I decided to pick this little poem you've here.

Opening: I do like that it's very open in terms of the directions it can take, this is only looking at the first sentence. Although I would suggest working on your description for the ocean, the way you state it is like a fact which is something we don't need to be told, or at least not in the sense you've said it. It's WAY too up front, doesn't have a poetic feeling to it.

Now when you go to second sentence this is where we're really getting into that descriptiveness in an effort to establish some form of imagery for the reader. This is the type of writing that should've started the poem off.

I'm no poetry expert but the following bit feels a bit disjointed:

Tasting the salty water-
Smell the salty air.

To me this seems to work better:

Tasting the salty water-
Smell[ing] the salty air.
* The change is in square brackets *

Coming to an end, a rather abrupt end may I add this poem leaves me as a reader quite unsatisfied. Primarily because in the second sentence you get a little descriptive about what you like in relation to the ocean, then in the second last sentence its kind of like stating a fact again but could also at the same time be symbolism (but you'll need to work on that). The end bit where the ocean makes you feel at home, why does it make you feel at home? There must be some greater purpose of the ocean in your mind. I don't think that was as well conveyed as you may have perhaps wanted it to be.

It's an extremely short read (no doubt lol), but I would say it falls flat into the generic poems category. This poem seems to lack any deeper meaning to it (which I personally believe are essential to making fantastic poems). This one seems more like a writing exercise than a symbolic piece of writing. Keep in mind that because sometimes we have great ideas and write about them, we may think that it makes sense but to the reader it might not at times.

Perhaps that's the case here or was this actually just a writing exercise? Lol.

Hope this review helps in giving you somethings to think about and improve on.

- Monty Mason