Reviews for Melusine City
alltheeagles chapter 51 . 8/28/2017
I'm happy that the gang made it, even Spawn - you had me thinking he was a goner with your description of the half a body being removed from the scene. It's cool how you take the land-based tech and apply it to an undersea context with the prosthetics and stuff. Not sure though, how you'd keep a bleeding human alive under water - wouldn't he bleed out somehow unless he was in a waterproof wrap?

I can see that the threads are coming together, but can't make full sense of the tangle right now. So the situation now is... a standoff? Or a tactical retreat on both sides? I'm not sure who has the upper hand, and our favourite rotund psycho is set to have a big showdown of his own.

Finally, what does Soulijah and Jonah mean by 'going back to the sea'?
alltheeagles chapter 50 . 8/24/2017
I have two main reactions to this chapter. Firstly, on the showdown. I'd thought it'd be a little less tame than that, actually (haha, listen to me calling cold blooded murder 'tame'). It wasn't a letdown or anything, just... a little abrupt. Still, I AM happy that you left one of my favourites alive - if you'd killed off Serafin instead of Savoy I wouldn't have minded that much.

Second reaction is to Nizfin. I didn't think he'd take it so sentimentally that he had a daughter. Given the way he's been portrayed as a psychopath I'd have thought he would either scoff at this very obvious attempt at luring him out, or take it as a chance for more mayhem.
alltheeagles chapter 49 . 7/29/2017
First off, I ABSOLUTELY LOVED that description of the klaxon. You had me LOLing and attracting annoyed looks from my roommates. And then there was the Satadon-Savoy-Serafin showdown (gee, what a sibilant cast of names). I loved, loved, loved, loved it as well. Because... let me see...
- the dialogue was so deliciously witty
- the drama was so thick (like a bubble bath to sink into and wallow in)
- Satadon was so grave and tragic and downright HEROIC (yeah, yeah, I have a huge soft spot for the guy, but you knew that already)

I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Thank you!
alltheeagles chapter 48 . 7/27/2017
Whew. Excitement in spades, and pathos to spare. The writing really got me into the moment. IF this isn't the climactic showdown scene, then I don't know how you're going to up the ante when the moment arrives for that scene to be played out.
On Sherfin being a triple agent, I literally can't think of anything to say. I've thought of him for so long as a good guy, albeit one with some dubious methods ala 'the end justifies the means'. And now... he isn't a good guy? But a hero to the mer... but then he doesn't care about killing... but... there's no end to the buts.
Finally, I can't remember Lilifin and Niria *looks sheepish* so I couldn't quite get the significance of the sturgeon charm.
Barbados chapter 16 . 6/28/2017
Oh, things get darker in this chapter as everything falls apart for the good guys, and comes together for the bad guys.

Some odd quirks, such as Raspar being mentioned twice when describing how the kids are bound, and Satadon engaging a couple people in conversation, both on his left.

Also, still trying to wrestle with the concept of this all happening underwater - such as the throwing the knife, which would be just impossible to do with any skill underwater.

Satadon's protection of Rafina is touching. You could almost root for him. Almost.

I enjoyed the expose on each of their thoughts as the first section came to a close - well done there.

You really pack a lot into each chapter, it's really fantastic.
Barbados chapter 15 . 6/23/2017
I read a tip one time that says not to start with dialogue, because the reader has no perspective/context for the dialogue - man, woman, familiar character, new character, etc.

I think this is less true if it's something like, "You've never catch me," Erica yelled back at her brother Paul, or something like that.

But in the context here, where it's deeper and the speaker is referring to their self, it's best to avoid it.

Good job depicting Rafina as distracted by everything that's going on in how she's behaving, with the half-open portfolio, etc.

The middle section was interesting - getting to see some more of the king. Hard to believe anyone would want to overthrow him, he seems pretty upstanding. Punch him in his classically carved face was my favorite line by far. The run-in with Maki was also a nice treat.

Maki's section was very charming and fun to read. I only hope he wasn't too brash by saying all of those things instead of some kind of cover. Time will tell...

Great chapter. I'm liking the triptych format you have going.
Barbados chapter 14 . 6/14/2017
The doki at work - it was great to see Lestail here. Some concepts still are odd to me, like how they can spill liquid while in water - but I generally chalk it up to strange mer magic and move on. Lots of good plot development here, and it shows that Lestail is really taking this seriously. He was a pretty minor character in my mind beofre, but this has escalated him somewhat to me.

The sirens - the middle bit of this chapter didn't resonate with me very well. I think, for me, it was just a little confusing to follow their plotting. For example, everyone but Maki agrees by vote to got to the eco-police asap, but then in the next line Niria appears to be siding with Maki's idea, instead of the idea to go to the eco-police. I'm also not a fan of direct statements like. "Maki was on a roll." This seems like something that would be the opinion of one of the characters, and not a narrated thing, if that makes sense?

Daimond Corp Office - I'm glad you cleared up the bit about the phone number right away, because as soon as I read that I was like okay, but how did he get the number? Excellent plot movement here. So, the murder of Cody comes back around. I was wondering when that would. I'm not clear why this group would suspect Jonah of investigating Savoy, but perhaps I missed it or it will come to light later.

This whole chapter does a lot to move many story arcs forward, which is great - things ever never dull in this story, always movement!
alltheeagles chapter 47 . 6/12/2017
There's a lot going on here! So I don't have a cohesive review, just a collection of comments.
- Romance is in the air, it seems, even when the situation is not exactly rosy. It's a reflection, I suppose, of the tenacity of life - I'd say human spirit only they aren't really humans.
- I'd say the tsunami scene was the most 'fantastic' one of your scenes involving magic so far, and it felt a tiny bit out of place given the subtle way in which you've incorporated magic so far. Granted this is Nizzie the flamboyant villain we're talking about, but having the sea frozen mid-wave and witnessed by civilians, all for a message to be delivered seems a bit of overkill.
- Cracks are appearing in the loose alliances. Could that be a sign of a greater shake up? Hmm...
Barbados chapter 13 . 6/12/2017
Another new player to the game, and an interesting one at that. Actually, the first human we get to know really since the prologue, so that's pretty remarkable.

My biggest criticism is how the computer booted and opened to a file - something that almost guaranteed wouldn't happen, because there would be a log-in screen to get through first upon reboot. It would have to be intentional, and even then it would take a lot of work to stage it for one scenario, and would have be almost assured that this would take place. So, we'll have to keep an eye out for this one to develop.

Aside from that, a really great chapter that tied some of the plot together nicely. There are a lot of dynamics, and it's layered well. :)
Barbados chapter 12 . 6/8/2017
Love the developing relationship between Raspar and Melia, but I'm not convinced Raspar is genuine. We don't know what skills he might possess, and I still wonder if he might be playing Melia because he knows she's the key.

We shall see. I want to believe in it! I'm just too cynical, I guess.

I don't feel that dialogue tags need to hit every line, but a few of them (or some change in formatting what's there) might have helped keep it a little clearer. I got lost a couple times on who said what and had to think it out a bit.

Side edit, "The Starfin Academy" should be in bold, I think?

Nizfin's section was exceptional, his character is so multi-faceted. You did a great job with him - he feels less like a villain, and more like an anti-hero.
Barbados chapter 11 . 6/6/2017
Wow, there was a lot going on here.

We start with finally getting to see Nizfin, and he's quite a character, isn't he? Suitably tragic and troubled past for him to be how he is now. His animosity towards Satadon was very intriguing and added a lot of depth to him, I feel.

The plot developed nicely throughout their conversation. The bit about Satadon having a bug was curious, and I'm not quite sure I followed it.

I honestly feel like the Queen may as well not be a part of this story. Like the King just should be alone, or something, because the Queen doesn't even have a name and is just... I have no idea what she's doing here. The King though, his place his interesting. You've dropped a lot of lines regarding his politics and theology, and that does add layers to what's going on.

The final section with Melia and Raspar was shocking! I wonder what triggered the creature. What language was Raspar speaking? Was he trying to cast a spell or something? Was the thing actually some sort of mechanical construct? What's happening to Melia?

This chapter, overall, really advances this story in a lot of ways, and aside from some formatting that could make some of it a little clearer/more polished, is easily one of the best chapters of the story so far.
Barbados chapter 10 . 6/5/2017
Short, but very powerful little chapter.

Once again, the dialog tags threw me off, with some things being on separate lines that feel like they should have been on the same line. Outside of that though, this story is coming along splendidly.

I'm loving the intrigue that's building up around Satadon and his plans. Bold of Satadon to attempt to get Serafin on board, and even speak out loud that Serafin's only option is to join and try to fight from the inside. Wow.

Serafin retains plenty of spirit and is clearly not broken by this ordeal, so I expect he will get on board and fight from within. Or, at least I'm hoping he does.
Barbados chapter 9 . 5/26/2017
Very interesting meeting of the Sirens in part 1.

The dialogue in the middle got a little clunky because of how the dialogue tags were formatted, but I was still able to follow it.

If Raspar is willing to anchor hammocks, he must feel pretty comfortable about their location. That's good, they need a safe base.

I like Lestail's attitude.

Inside the Orelyx meeting, things are very intriguing and interesting. I get the feeling that a lot of pieces were subtly put into play during that meeting, and I'm very interested to see how they play out going forward, as I'm sure I didn't catch all of them.

One thing I do see is the emerging magic vs science, which I expect to be at the front of a lot of conflict, but we'll see.

Part three was very sweet. It was great to see Raspar exposed in such a way. The final four chapters were, in many ways, the best thing I've read in this story so far - it's the most powerful character building yet, and it's very solid.

My favorite chapter so far, easily!
Barbados chapter 8 . 5/26/2017
What an interesting chapter.

For the moment, it seems entirely removed from everything else that's going on. However, we know that this chapter exists for a reason, so I'm really curious to see how it ties back in.

This murderer is a pretty important guy, obviously - it says something about him that he'd do the dirty work himself.

Saying the red rock "loomed up" in the jeep's mirror is a bit disorienting, unless the jeep is driving in reverse? Normally things in rear view mirrors are retreating, so maybe find a way to revise that image?

Very short, but quite powerful as well.
alltheeagles chapter 46 . 5/20/2017
OMG. I needed a moment to let my heart rate slow after reading this. It's really... extreme. Not sure what to make of it. My regard (if it can be called that) for Nizfin has certainly taken a beating. Yes, he killed children before, but I remember those scenes as being less brutal, or has time blurred my reaction to them? Was this deliberate then, because he was getting too likeable and villains shouldn't be liked? I suppose I shall have to root for the reformed Satadon now. Oh, and I'm sad that Fizfin is dead - I liked him too, he sounded like a teacher I'd have liked to have.
All this burning of bridges seems to be leading towards some kind of finale or showdown, but I still have no idea how the threads are gonna come together. I await the next chapter with much trepidation.
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