|Reviews for Voyage to the Dark Worlds|
| m. b. whitlock chapter 2 . 12/14/2014
Voyage to the Dark Worlds Chapter 2
This is a nice short chapter. I like the dialogue between Ty and Cath. You give your readers some interesting background information about the GEBs which sets up the later hunting scene with Hrarna well. You also do a good job developing the relationship between Ty and Cath in this section. My only real critique is that I would like more of a sense of the setting. You have several fine descriptions of the atmosphere and I especially like the wavepark scene, but I don't get a visual sense of what it's like to walk around or what the environment for the residents looks like. I would enjoy glimpses of the basic, mundane aspects of life on Ganymede. For instance, are the crystal encased GEBs on display in a museum or on the street or in the main spaceship dock?
A bit more setting will give your readers more of a sense that Ganymede is a really different place from Earth and Rosasphere and that Ty is on an epic journey to truly exotic realms. Also, establishing distinct and varied environments will help show your readers how Ty's inner world is changing and will help you develop a believable character arc for him.
Okay, here are a few notes:
Like your description here:
"Io, Europa and Callisto swam in the sky above us, each with a halo of gauzy light due to Ganymede's atmosphere."
Very pretty and cool. :)
"I tried to get a *converation* going."
think you mean 'conversation'. :)
"He's good looking enough for both of us, *anway*" typo, should be 'anyway' I believe.
"Poor Lynn has been left so cynical by being widowed"
Hmmm it seems a bit early for Hrarna to say this. Might be cool to let your readers discover how Lynn is cynical (show her acting like that) instead of having Hrarna tell us.
"It was black and yet tinged with what I can call near-infra red, although you peeps wouldn't see it."
I'm a little confused here. Who are the people "peeps" she's talking/writing to? If her logs are social posts it would be cool I think to mention that.
""You foolhardy skluggi," screeched Lynn, "oh Peachy, what sort of nut have I been landed with?""
"I flipped the switch that *activate* the laser blades and then ploughed the craft right into the bulk of the foul beast."
Typo, 'activates' not "activate".
"The GEB could not endure lower atmospheric pressure."
I like this action scene, in particular the descriptions of the multi-mouthed bag like GEB. I do have a suggestion for this part though. Since some people may not understand that the *higher* you get in a planet's atmosphere the *lower* the atmospheric pressure you might want to add something like, 'as our ship propelled the creature into the higher reaches of the atmosphere the pressure inside the GEB built up' or something. Just a suggestion. I really like the sequence overall a lot. :)
Like this last line too:
"Score one for Hrarna! When I hunt I never loose sight of my goal."
| m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 11/22/2014
This is a really fun opening. I like it a lot. The characters are all interesting. I like the pacing of the action and plot developments. It looks like this will be a fun fast moving story. I am quite intrigued where you will take this. *sending good writing vibes your way* :)
Okay here are some notes:
Like the opening:
“Holorecording Entry - Tyce:
My name is Tyce and I want to tell you all of my great fortune. I sit making a holorecording, but all the while I think of my true better half. Cathrytt is my true love. It's perfect, like an old Earth story. I know her because she is the daughter of my supervisor from my time spent working here on the Rosasphere, ten million miles from Earth.”
Just one detail though, I think some context would help for the distance between Rosaphere and Earth. At it’s closest point Mars is 54.6 million miles from Earth. So Rosephere would be really close if it was only ten million miles (at some point in its orbit). So maybe say something like between the orbits of Mars and the Earth or something so your readers get the sense that this is an intra solar system body as opposed to being way out like Neptune (2.7 billion miles) on the edges of the solar system.
Like the inclusion of “during my designated sleeping hours” here. It gives us some details about this future society:
“Once she even sneaked into my little apartment during my designated sleeping hours and I had the sight of her grinning at me through the mesh of my wardrobe door to give me a shock when I woke up.”
“I marveled at the sight of the blue-green speck of our Earth in the pinky-violet sky, ten million miles away. The air tasted cool and crisp and the weaker gravity lent a new spring to my step.”
Again if Earth is only ten million miles away it would be more than a speck. It wouldn’t be an obvious large body like the moon, but it would be more than a speck. Also Earth and Rosasphere would have to be in synchronous orbits around the Sun for the distance of ten million miles to be constant, either that or Rosasphere would need to be orbiting the Earth. If you don’t want to go into this level of detail you could simply give your readers a figure for the journey to Rosasphere in the beginning and avoid mentioning the distance again here (depending on the point in their orbits the distance between the Earth and Mars varies from 54.6 to 249 million miles). Also, I find it a little curious you are using miles instead of kilometers. I guess I just figure in the future even the US will have accepted the metric system. ;)
Nice, I mean gross, but effective images here:
“Huge white worms would wriggle through cracks in the rocks and we would come upon hideous monsters made of writhing organs wallowing in pools of viscous liquid.”
However, ‘organs’ doesn’t work that well for me. These life forms are so alien that I have no idea how an ‘organ’ of theirs would be distinct from any other aspect of their anatomy, like skin or other structures. Perhaps these “writhing” forms resemble human organs?
Like the red hair, of course ;):
“Such a gorgeous face, framed by glorious red hair, with perfectly proportioned nose and cheekbones - not even Hrarna had such a fine physiognomy.”
Interesting that Tyce describes Hrarna as having a fine physiognomy here when earlier he mentioned her “bulging” eyes. Perhaps aside from her eyes she was pleasing to look at?
“and bulging breasts…” Don’t know about ‘bulging’ here to describe her breasts. ‘Bulging’ means something is pushing out or in an irregularly swollen state. I’m assuming her breasts are always the same size, no?
“Her voice had the musical lilt of the Patagonian isles.” So cool she’s from Patagonia!
Like this part a lot:
“"Don't worry, it's just an airfish," said Cath, linking her arm through mine. The ugly, puffed up thing hovered near us for a moment, sort of like a living grey balloon. Suddenly it expelled all its air and darted away.” The whole air-surfing scene is vey nice. :D
“Cath beamed. Her smile *fills* me with a warm glow.” *Filled* me I think. :)
“His eyes were blue, like the Antarctic sky. His hair was pure gold, like the kind of golden hair in the archetypal Antarctic colonist.” Wondering about verb tense here. Aren’t his eyes still blue? Shouldn’t she be saying ‘His eyes are blue, his hair is gold’?
Good description here:
“I was told to strip and go into a chamber where I would receive a symbiote - an organism genetically engineered to fuse with me and grant me more power than I had when I was just a human girl. I went into a pitch black cabinet that was so narrow I couldn't move, even though I am thin - then a clamp came down down and enveloped my head.”
Quite entertaining. I like it. :)
| Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 11/16/2014
This is a fun little story so far! I like how it takes place in a parallel universe where not only mankind became a space faring species (in reality even though we have been to outer space NASAS annual budget is 0.01% of the entire US national budget) but they have had a considerable head start to the beginning of their space exploration so you provide us with a society that is pretty much ingrained in the cosmos and the future technology. Even though his is a sci fi story I gotta say that the planetoid becoming habitable like that is far fetched in its self, it would take millions of years for it to develop and keep an atmosphere bound to its gravity.
I do love the tone of this though, it somewhat reminds me of Guardians of the Galaxy, a whimsical space story staring some outlandish characters. Hrarna is so over the top and cliched in her "scorned girlfriend" role and that's a nice contrast to Cath's more goody two shoes personality.
I also thought the few space slang terms didn't really need definitions because there context were pretty clear.
| metamodernmarx chapter 1 . 11/15/2014
This is quite a refreshing short work. I like the different narratives and how they interweave to form a coherent picture of what's going on. Your language, at first sight, seems unrefined and 'simple' - that it only serves to link information together; however, after finishing this piece, I realized that your 'holorecordings' were actually melodic in their own way. Your paragraphs are not the typical short paragraph, the one word spasms, nor do they take the form of entire chunks of information woven together in an incomprehensible state - rather, they are short, to the point, but at the same time vivid, beautiful, almost poetic. The narratives are stunningly relatable to the modern audience; they're emotionally evocative, yet also written in elegant style, adhering to most prosaic conformations. I also noted with great interest the endings for each recording. Each of them are short, simple, yet profound. :)
| Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 1 . 11/11/2014
I have no idea how you come up with your stuff, but well, it's always something different and new :D And not in a bad way, it's actually inspiring to see how creative you are. I actually really like the concept of this world: space being explored, aliens and life forms, but without the hysteria, the awe and all the OMG there are aliens that you usually see in other fics. The fact that everyone here has accepted that there are other life forms, and that going to space isn't such a big deal is quite refreshing and further makes me feel intrigued about this world (questions too arise, like: how did this world come about? What is life on Earth like?) :D
So yeah, silly comments alike, I feel that your world-building is good, because you don't drop us a lot of hints, but what you do tell is quite detailed, like holograms being used in every day life and there being a shortage of jobs on Earth. I find the latter quite interesting actually and even believable – just like people move to the bigger cities to find work, I could (in such a kind of world) see people moving to space to find better job opportunities. It's actually quite plausible :3
I like how you write the crazy-stalker ex, especially because you showcase her point of view and Ty's. Of course, Ty thinks she's batshit, but she herself just sees herself as someone who's desperately in love. It's actually quite funny, because of how differently they see the situation, but also morbid because we do get the notion that the ex is ...well crazy. I mean, for God's sake, she signed up for some mission that essentially deformed her face O_o.
Also, I have to say I loved how you described that sequence: the descriptions were vivid, and I could see everything happening. I also really like the cover pic for your story :3
I liked how you described Ty's new relationship, just because you could feel his happiness and his excitement. It was kind of cute. On a minor scale, I feel that your tenses could use a bit of work, but it's a minor issue and a good beta reader could help you out there :) It didn't bother me - I'm just pointing it out, because I feel I should 33.
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 11/6/2014
For the RG EF
Describing characters is a tricky aspect of writing in first person, and I think you did a respectable job dealing with that. I like your technique to describe Cath's appearance by comparing it to Hrarna's, and in H's case, as the result of her... er, modification. I wonder how you'll manage the description of Tyce when the time comes for it.
A holorecording entry is essentially a journal entry, and I have my misgivings about using this style of narration as it can very quickly get rather boring. So far, it's alright because of the way the two accounts inter-connect and inter-relate with each other, but well, it remains to be seen how you continue with this.
I like this first chapter mostly because it's sci-fi and I'm interested to see how you build this world. All the best with that.