Reviews for Aborted
LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 7/14/2015
I really liked the way that Maria regretted her actions in the beginning because it shows that she does have motherly instinct and knows exactly what to do. I also really like how she starts to go insane because it shows how killing her child has damaged her and severed her from reality. I also love the ending because it shows how life isn't always fair and that sometimes horrible things happen.
Jalux chapter 1 . 5/17/2015
The ending was brutal, it's quite sad how things end up as you get the feeling Diego is okay at the start only to realize he's an asshole and a selfish bastard. I think the themes here are quite powerful and they give the writer something to think about. Especially the theme of choice I suppose, what kind of freedom do some people really have? I also like how it's not "bogeyman" horror like some of your others but psychological. Not to say your horror pieces are bad but this is a nice change of pace and honestly a more original concept. Start was also nice though, definitely lured me in because it started off so morbidly.
alltheeagles chapter 1 . 11/21/2014
For the RG EF

I like (if one can use this word for this piece, given its content) the realism of the story. Maria's reaction - denial and delusion - is not at all unreasonable, and emphasises the feelings in the story. I like how you use Diego as a counterpoint with his pragmatism and tough love. At least I interpret his later acts as tough love, since if he care nothing at all about Maria, then presumably he'd have abandoned her at the clinic as soon as he was sure the deed was done. I was looking out for your signature twist, but it seems this one's pretty straightforward for once.
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 11/21/2014
“…the minute ripples of a new life [was] replaced by a tidal wave…” — should be “were”

“…people in surgical [mask] shouted back and [fourth].” — should be “masks” and “forth”

“…there was a great ache in her [vagina].” — The ache would be in her uterus/abdomen. The vagina is a small, 3-4 inch tube that has very little to do with an abortion.

“The doctors say you lost a lot of blood…” — Were there unexpected complications during the procedure? Any kind of lood-loss is not typical of an abortion.

“She didn’t want to witness another one of his [outburst].” — should be “outbursts”

“‘Pendeja,’: he chided…” — why is there a colon?

“…she violently threw up last [nights] dinner.” — should be “night’s”

So the first thing that stood out to me wit this piece is the portrayal of the abortion itself, which was far from accurate. Barring complications, it’s an outpatient procedure that often requires only a local anesthetic, and patients will experience cramping and mild discomfort but no bleeding of any sort. I would definitely recommend some research into what the procedure is actually like. It’s important to portray these things accurately, I think, and it’s hard to swallow the rest of the story after such a rough beginning.

Aside from the obvious, there’s a lot of background conflict that could be brought to the fore here. You heavily emphasize the character’s race (even mentioning that the doctors are white) and ethnicity, and I think you could do more with how Maria’s reality as a Latina has affected her decisions. Regardless of genre, that’s a topic that would make a nice touch if properly expanded upon.

And, in general, more could be done with your characters. How has this pregnancy changed Maria and Diego’s relationship? Have they been together for a long time, even? Adding more dimension and exposition will help guide how the reader interprets the interactions you show.

The ending did feel rushed as well. Until the final paragraphs, there was no hint at all that this was to be a horror story. More could have been done with foreshadowing and lead-in, and in general, more time could have been spent showing Maria’s (possible) break from reality. Or perhaps you intended the fetus to be a sign of a paranormal presence? If so, that was certainly unclear.

Overall, this piece has the potential to provide thought-provoking social commentary, and if more is done to incorporate elements of horror, I don’t see why this could not be a successful combination of both aspects. In revisions I would recommend emphasizing characterization and atmosphere throughout.
Jitterbug Blues chapter 1 . 11/16/2014
Despite the fact that it doesn't necessarily have the more morbid imagery found in some of your other works, I found this significantly darker and more disturbing. It might be because it presents as more of a psychological horror, but the themes that it deals with cut deep and have the potential to touch some very sensitive nerves. If only for that, I have to say that I appreciate how you decided to take this on. It would have been easy to fall into being either too heavy-handed with the morality or laying it too thin, but I like the balance you achieved here.

As always, I enjoy your writing in this one, though I recommend possibly giving it a quick read-through for some small technical errors - I was able to spot several more than usual. For the good parts, I really enjoyed the scene at the restaurant - the rich descriptions of colorful foods, even with all the, ah, questionable tastes of Maria's mixing and matching. XD I also liked the dialogue and the unapologetic interspersing of Spanish terms in English lines. Diego's lines were particularly harsh and some cringe-inducing, which was pulled off really well. Maria's thoughts as she cradled the not-baby in the bathroom were heartbreaking, and I feel really sorry for her in the end.

JM for RG EF
Electrumwriter chapter 1 . 11/15/2014
OK, here is my detailed review for this dark and twisted one shot. I will use the conventional structure for in depth reviews.

Opening: Punchy with hard and uncompromising imagery. "The minute ripples of a new life were replaced with a tidal wave of grief," is a good line, works well. The gross stuff about a great ache in Maria's vagina I suppose is not as horrifying as it could possibly have been, trying to hint at the gory details, so that is well done.

I suppose Maria was raised a catholic even if she does not adhere to their rules anymore.

Characters: Maria is the best worked character, and that is all to the good, given that this is her story. One feels sorry for her, weirded out and repulsed by her as well. She's pretty passive as well, just thinking "no, you weren't ready," but never really sticking up for herself. Not that she is a compliant girl, but it doesn't seem that she really intends to wind Diego up when for instance, she asks about baby names, eats weirdly in the restaurant or goes completely mad at the end.

Diego is not a very attractive character, but I like the way he is fleshed out by reminiscing about his grandpa. Perhaps the old man was the only person he ever really respected.

Techniques: As to the techniques I haven't already commented on, the restaurant scene is quite clever, the way Maria and Diego start off jovial and seeming to smooth over their tiff, but then Maria starts stuffing herself... Mexican cuisine is heavy on spices, isn't it? That makes the idea of really gorging oneself more outlandish.

I winced somewhat when the hollow echo inside of her was mentioned, but I know that was your intention.

Good way of hinting at Diego's affair, when even Maria notices that he's no longer polite to her enough to say goodbye.

The illusion of the foetus in the bathroom - well what to say about that! Since you wanted this piece to be a visceral horror I think it works brilliantly. So so creepy.

Ending: Well I expected Diego to act like this in the end and I think leaving the story once Maria's mind is gone is the best way to ensure a chilling and hopeless tone. Where a story ends is important to the overall tone and this ends on a real downbeat.
Shampoo Suicide chapter 1 . 11/10/2014
I like this more psychological approach to horror, it's eerie without being gory or overtly scary. You established a nice tone that really drove that feeling home for me, and I enjoyed reading it a lot as a result.

I think the characterization of Diego is well done, and that's aided by your descriptions such as the way he smells and his disgust he watches Maria, as well as through the dialogue, the things he says to her, little details like bringing up Rosita twice and calling her old woman at the beginning. You've shaped him very well. Maria is a little harder to characterize because she's so empty post abortion and singularly focused.

As I mentioned this seems more psychological horror than anything and to that end I appreciate the plot of Maria's mind unraveling as she's tortured by this. At least, that's what I'm picking up anyway. Things like the very last line really establish that feeling in an excellent way.

I found the ending, now that I've mentioned it, to be more compelling than the beginning, though I did like the line about the delirium of anesthesia, simply because I thought it was well written. Overall I found it to be a somewhat challenging but very enjoyable read!
m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 11/9/2014
Whoa. This is a tough piece.

You bring up a lot of issues and honestly I think this story proves how necessary it is for women, especially women who aren't wealthy, to have access to safe, legal abortions (women with money could always get safe abortions even back when they we're illegal).

Here's why I think your story is essentially pro-choice: Diego is the such an a**hole that he would have forced Maria into an illegal, unsafe abortion I bet if that had been the only alternative, which might well have killed Maria or left her permanently damaged and incapable of having another baby with someone else, like a man who would love her and support the child. If not an illegal 'back alley abortion' Diego might have just kicked her in the gut and thrown her down the stairs, or even shot her dead, rather than have the burden of child around his neck. Pre-1973 Roe v Wade a large percentage of women who were murdered were pregnant (because the fathers didn't want the kids). I think Maria is lucky to have had this safe abortion, even if the experience was scary. Diego is the last man on Earth she should have a baby with.

I personally have two very good friends (one is my best friend from when I was a kid) who had abortions and are now happy moms in good marriages with healthy kids. Neither of them have any regrets and both feel they did the right thing. So, that's the personal perspective I bring to this.

I feel this story is ultimately *not* about the controversial topic of whether women should have the right to control what happens to their own bodies (rather than be forced into breeding by any man who wishes it), I feel this story is really about the character of Maria and how pregnancy has created a crisis in her relationship with her violent, hateful, abusive 'lover' Diego.

I think you do a great job getting inside Maria's head and that the ideas about abortion you present are supposed to be *hers*, what she feels at the time, as opposed to being a reflection of the beliefs of society in general. I do have to mention that I think it's a little unlikely the staff at any clinic would perform an abortion procedure on any woman who seemed the slightest bit reluctant about terminating her pregnancy.

Okay here are notes:

I really like this description:
"The air swam with the aromas of chili powder, hot charizo, the sweet fragrance of tortillas made with masa harina, cilantro, bell peppers, and the fiery tang of jalapeno."
You hit so many great notes here. I can taste all that wonderful food and I feel full and sick by the end of the scene just like Maria. Well done!

There are some seriously freaky associations here, very good for developing Maria's character:
"Next up was a plump enchilada which she delicately unwrapped like a mother unveiling a newborn and spread its chicken innards across her sugary churros."
Very powerful, symbolic description there!

Well, sorry if I went off a bit about my political opinions about reproductive rights. But this is a real push button topic so you can't blame me… ;) I personally believe no man or woman should have any control over my body and whether or not I want to go thorough with a pregnancy and become a mother. That's just what I believe and I'll fight for that right until I die.

Another provocative freaky tale!

Ready to read more scary stories if you are up for more Queen of the Dawn. :)

vb,

mbw
Guest chapter 1 . 11/7/2014
This made me cry.

I lost a baby a few months ago due to natural causes, but I still lay awake at night and wonder what my life would be like if he or she had made it. I know my boyfriend would have been very happy, but even if he was an a-hole I would have kept my baby, if I could.

Life is a gift.

And no one should be able to take it away.
Guest chapter 1 . 11/7/2014
This is so sad...
Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 1 . 11/8/2014
I'm not sure how to approach this piece, and I think it deserves a second re-read, but I'll also just try to sum up my thoughts here:

*I like the way it's written, definitely. There's also so much detail and attention in your fics, and I'm always amazed by how much you write, and by how versatile your stuff is. That does deserves a mention, because it's hard to write in between RL duties, and so I'm really pleased with how good and vivid your writing style is, because I know that's not an easy feat to accomplish.

*The themes of this are interesting, and I think you do a good job with showcasing how abortion can be a horrible thing to do for a woman who did want a child. I feel that you really cover the woman's regrets and pain – and slow lapse into insanity quite well. It's even worse that she has a cruel lover who pushed her into doing it ): I really don't like him, and I'm saddened by how this whole thing ended for her. So yes, your plot is good too, and does make the reader thing, which is another thing I like (just I'll have to re-read to see if I got everything correctly).

*I felt that the dining out scene was wonderfully written – so much detail and vividness. I could really see the scene in front of my eyes, and as a foodie, it was fun to read :)