Reviews for Eira
K. A. Farron chapter 4 . 8/2/2015
Oh, you're rewriting this, are you? Still as good as ever!
360pages chapter 1 . 4/24/2015
I enjoyed it, there isn't a lot of dialog, but that's not a bad thing. Our heroine doesn't even get her name until the end of the chapter. So, I don't know if calling her that would be a spoiler. You do have my interest though. Mostly because of her ability and the fact that she doesn't need to eat to stay alive. I wonder what you are going to do with the concept.
alltheeagles chapter 6 . 3/27/2015
RG EF multi-chp #5 (extra)

I like Thalia's loyalty to Aria, how she's so worried about her friend's disappearance. However, I think you could say something about why she thinks Silver Boy is related to Aria because otherwise she'd be more likely to be fussing over Aria than checking up on him.

I liked the second part of the chapter for its sense of urgency, which I think you portrayed very well. I think it'd be even better if you inserted a few thoughts on whether she had any obligation to help him, and again, link his situation to Aria. I mean, a practical person would just go, "I don't even know his name, so he can take care of himself, I need to go look for Aria."
alltheeagles chapter 5 . 3/27/2015
RG EF multi-chp, #4 of 4

I still have a problem with the nurse. How could she treat Silver Boy without seeing him the first time? Very likely, you do indeed have a good explanation for all this and when I read it, I'll give myself a "Duh!" forehead slap. But I do like how you're working on the mystery element.

My other problem is that I'm having difficulty picturing the scenes. Maybe giving a bit more background would help - what kind of school they're in, what kind of clinic they sent the boy to, how far they walked? I always get remarks about that myself (lack of description), so maybe this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, haha...
alltheeagles chapter 4 . 3/27/2015
RG EF multi-chp, #3 of 4

I like how Eric 'got rid' of Miss Malkin while pretending he couldn't see Silver Boy. That was cool and makes me like Eric right away. For my second comment, it was hard to accept that the nurse would treat the boy's wound without question, though. He had a hole in his stomach, it wasn't just a bruise! I hope you explain that somewhere later. But anyway, the cliffhanger ending is a good way to draw readers in to the next chapter.
alltheeagles chapter 3 . 3/27/2015
RG EF multi-chp, #2 of 4

I like Thalia's 'modern' reactions to the fantastic things happening, eg why hadn't the boy brought the building down and whether the beasts were falling into the basement. I think it adds to the effect of the magical happenings. I also liked that Thalia isn't a crybaby milksop but instead rises to the occasion to save the boy. Yay! That cancels out my earlier remarks about her whiny sourness.

Language: 'to her luck' sounds strange. Maybe 'just her luck that...' or just simply 'unfortunately for her' would work better.
alltheeagles chapter 2 . 3/27/2015
RG EF multi-chapter review, #1 of 4

I like how you're establishing Thalia as a unique character with her abhorrence of anything that's not natural. However, I'd be careful not to overdo that because she is in danger of coming across as an unlikeable whiny spoiled brat. I like the brisk pacing with the demons as well. It'd work even better if you put a little more detail into the transition, either emphasizing how suddenly it happened or having some kind of transition scene.

On the CC side, there are some bits where your tenses are inconsistent. If you're narrating the whole thing in past tense, then I think you should stick to past tense throughout, even when you're describing the character. Also, I think it should be "stuck AT 8 o'clock"
WaterBudget chapter 5 . 3/15/2015
For the RG EF:

This is an odd place to stop reading...So I peeked at the later chapters. They seem to explain Thalia's distrust of others as well as who she might possibly be. Either way, you have done a nice job making me curious and luring me into reading more. Anyway, with Aria missing and likely taken by those beasts, the plot is moving along at a decent pace.

Writing-wise, Thalia's reaction to Eric's news was especially well-done. Her physical reaction was realistic and the flow of her thoughts shows us again how important Aria is. (Hmm, a priority even before herself...)

Overall, I liked your story!
WaterBudget chapter 4 . 3/15/2015
For the RG EF:

This was a short chapter, so not much to comment on but...

I liked the impact of the last line. It also makes you wonder what the rules are for who can see the silver-haired boy. That Eric can see him surprised me actually.

On that note: Why does Eric stick so close to Thalia, going so far as to track her down when she isn't in class? It makes me understand Thalia's dislike of him better. Still, both Thalia and Eric are outsiders in the school and both of them can see the silver-haired boy...could it be coincidence? Perhaps you are leaving clues for readers, but I have no definitive conclusions yet.
WaterBudget chapter 3 . 3/15/2015
For the RG EF:

I liked how Thalia fought back against the beast even though she's still convinced it's all a dream. She states that killing "given enough practice...could be a pleasure," which was a bit scary. It makes me wonder what she would do in the future to find Aria. I still am not sure what to make of Thalia's character.

Consider: Your writing is a bit wordy in places. When reasonable, try to avoid "was" and "got" and use an action verb instead. For example:

"Another reason for her to feel strange was the boy who was lying helpless and injured" could be:
She felt strange at the sight of the boy lying helpless and injured.

"So that was where he was hit." - Could even be left out because the reader will understand without it being stated.

"The boy looked at her with accusing eyes that got her confused." could be:
The boy looked at her with accusing eyes that confused her.

In the end, the more words you can cut out without losing the meaning, the better.

Overall, this was an exciting chapter that sets up many intriguing questions!
WaterBudget chapter 2 . 3/15/2015
For the RG EF:

Thalia's thoughts about her classmates/Eric and her current attitude make it hard to like her (for now) but at the same time, it's interesting to have a protagonist who isn't outright nice and accommodating. I keep feeling like she's from a different world or not human, but I could be wrong...

I like how the pace picks up, and we dive straight into fantasy by the end of the chapter. There is something timeless about a character from our world encountering creatures from another.
Walkerfan chapter 1 . 3/14/2015
I like how you start this story. It is shrouded in mystery, with no deccernable point for the reader to latch onto except a lost girl with no memory. This allows you to "build" the story, as it were, from the ground up. A refreshing start to a story, and one that catches the attention.

There were a few minor details that I disliked, but I have a feeling that they will be covered in future chapters. Some of the things I didn't like/found hard to grasp/am looking for answers to go along the lines of: Is Thalia some sort of winter spirit that she doesn't need to eat, or is she a reference to Thalia Grace from the Percy Jackson series? Also, some sentence structures. One in particular. "On the first few days though, she felt her stomach grumble." I think it should read: "During the first few days..." That is just me though.

Looking forward to more.
WaterBudget chapter 1 . 3/14/2015
For the Review Game EF!

I liked the dream-like narration (even if it took some getting used to) because it shows how lost Thalia is and how she grasps for awareness after losing her memory.

The focus on the meeting of Aria and Thalia was a great choice for the prologue. The moment Aria gives the amnesiac protagonist a name, Thalia is no longer lost. It instantly builds their relationship and sets up the rest of the story.
French The Llama chapter 2 . 3/14/2015
Another great chapter. It is always engaging and gripping, even when there isn't an explosion!

A few grammar/typo points: "you eat can't Mac Cheese."- you mean "can't eat".
"What he says wasn't the most desirable thing," - what he said wasn't... OR ...the most desirable things
"quite a vegetarian... Aria ate meat." I don't know, but I think a vegetarian is a black white thing. Eat meat or don't you? Maybe it changes over time, but at one point in time, you're a veggie or you're not, and if you are, you don't eat meat!
There might be a couple more, which are a bit annoying, so I recommend reading it over and/or getting a grammar beta.

I love your character development here. Even from chapter 1, we know the difference in characters. Not eating processed food really tells a lot about Thalia without there being an essay on personality. Also, I think the banter between Eric and her is very well done.

Maybe you should slow down your pace between the noise of the explosion and Thalia being like, "oh right, it's an earthquake," maybe have a paragraph of utter confusion, just describing the chaos. Or maybe there is no chaos because it's only happening to Thalia...? Anyway, at critical points, I do think you should slightly slow down the pace.

Anyway, I LOVE the end as well! Brilliant chapter, and I really enjoyed it.
Jalux chapter 3 . 3/13/2015
I think you do a good job of introducing the girl with the blue hair and I liked the world-building with this talk of Seers and this people being normally unable to be seen by normal people. Obviously Thalia is special but you leave it open as to why and it's interesting. The action is well done and nicely paced and makes the chapter go by quickly. Thalia is still mostly a blank canvas at this point but we have some aspects of her character and I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of person she'll be. Nice tense ending, I'm guessing this silver haired boy is going to lead her to her Aria.
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