Reviews for The Sibyl Book 1 : Pestilence
ThePikachu181 chapter 2 . 6/23/2015
Great chapter! I really like your dialogue and vivid descriptions. The only thing I noticed was that there are some small mistakes. (I only spotted two and they're only where periods would be. like I said, pretty small! For example: "He's cramming a lot of material at once" There should be a period inside of the ". I noticed this again at the very end.)

I'm definitely going to be reading more of this!
ThePikachu181 chapter 1 . 6/23/2015
I really like this foreword. (I noticed you spelled it "foreward". Just wanted to point that out, not sure if it was intentional or not.) It captures the reader's attention and makes me want to read more. :)
Ventracere chapter 1 . 6/12/2015
Hullo from the Roadhouse!
I like the ominous tone you've got started. As the forward prologue thing, it doesn't give much away as to what is going to happen - which is good. All your readers have so far is an inkling of some sort of doomsday.

Just a quick note. I love the amount of descriptions that you have in the piece. It flows well, but just for future reference, perhaps don't overload the senses. You haven't done this yet, but you've got a couple of lengthy sentences in the beginning that lag a bit as opposed to the rest of the chapter. Towards the middle and the end of the piece, you break up your sentence structure a bit which makes for a faster and easier read.

Thanks for the read!
MethodlessMadness chapter 5 . 6/3/2015
I really love the description of the city. It reminds me of my old urban art obsession...ahh, that was interesting stuff.
One thing I've noticed about your writing is that your dialogue and your regular prose is indistinguishable. While this can work with some styles, I wouldn't recommend it with modern characters. They sound very formal and "grammatically correct" even as they speak. I'd advise practicing and loosening up a bit — perhaps if it would help to say your characters' lines out loud as you write them. (This is also a very good trick to help develop personalities — if you can hear their voices in their head it is easy to make them into personalities.)
But that might just be opinion. All in all this is a very interesting read with good writing and I enjoyed it.
- From the Roadhouse
(Not pressing for reviews, but I really need critique. Message me or reply to the forum if you can. Thank you!)
MethodlessMadness chapter 4 . 6/3/2015
When you mentioned how her father was killed, I took this strange breath in-out at the same time and literally put my hand over my heart. I was speechless. That was...powerful. You didn't even have to outright say "THAT WAS THE THING I SAW IN MY DREAM" to make it so potent, and that's why it was. What that was — the manipulation of the reader's recall in a way that even I couldn't see at first — is brilliance. Keep doing that.
- From the Roadhouse
MethodlessMadness chapter 3 . 6/3/2015
Whoa.
Wow, that was...intense, certainly.
Your skill with action description is very advanced and I commend you for that — this was entrancing and captivating, and I felt like I could actually see the storm in my mind. Good job, no critique there.
I am a slight bit confused as to Regan and Roman's relationship — they literally just met and they're holding hands as they run out of a building and screaming each other's name to find them. For one, holding hands really, really slows down running (I'm in track; I'd know). I was sensing the sexual tension the second they met. I'd be careful with that. It's never a treat to just KNOW what the novel's OTP is even before the conflict has begun; a reader can be taken off guard by a pairing that they have no reasons yet to support. Give your characters' relationships a chance to grow with the story, not around it, and you'll find that it develops into romance on its own.
- From the Roadhouse
MethodlessMadness chapter 2 . 6/3/2015
Hmm...interesting. I'm not too keen on long descriptions of characters but that's just me because I'm Sue-phobic so I'll shush there. Regan's fine.
I'm curious as to why the lights went out — is it some sort of fate thing between the two, or what? Hmm.
Second to last line — forgot a period after "his".
- From the Roadhouse
MethodlessMadness chapter 1 . 6/3/2015
First of all, I love the description of the figures, particularly "but the cloaks on the figures remained still, unaffected by the breeze". You use chilling imagery and I commend you for that.
I'm curious as to who these people are and what they're doing here...I suppose I'll read on.
- From the Roadhouse
Time And Space In The Balance chapter 3 . 4/28/2015
First off, the spelling/punctuation thing still applies. 'We were untied', 'hollowed be thy name' and 'the she prayed' just broke the flow.

Right, onto the good bits.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S SO GOOD I READ THIS CHAPTER IN FIVE MINUTES FLAT

This escalated quickly. If anything, I'd kinda like to see some backstory in the chapters to follow. And there'd better be a good explanation for all this!

But other than that GIVVVEEE MEEEEEE MOREEEEEEEE

Next chapter.
Time And Space In The Balance chapter 2 . 4/28/2015
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude wow
This is cool
I will now force myself to write something about this chapter before I move on to the next! But I want to read it so badly!
This is excellent writing. I mean, this is the sort of thing I would pick up in a bookshop, take one look at, and then pay money for.
I like how your protagonist isn't stereotypically beautiful, or at least doesn't think that they are, because that seems real - most people think they're worse looking than they actually are in any case. I feel like you've really thought out the character, or at least reflected yourself in her, in a way that makes it easy to empathise. Lines like 'Took notes with what, your face?' are genuinely funny whilst also being believable, as so many funny lines aren't. It's quite hard, I've found, to try to generate genuine conversation by yourself (undoubtedly why my work so far tends to be sparse in that respect). However, you've managed to get past that quite easily.
This reminds me of the Percy Jackson novels that I read when I was twelve. Not in the sense that it's a kids' book (in any case Percy Jackson is reasonably flexible on that front), but in the sense that the character seems to be one of those brutally honest types who make their inner thoughts extremely funny and sarcastic. Also because you've mentioned Greek lore on the Roadhouse.

The only criticisms are a lack of punctuation in places, which for me broke up the flow slightly (such as 'placed my hand in his'), and small spelling errors which did the same ('long passed' instead of 'long past'.)

But those are minor quibbles, because otherwise this is fluent and gripping. well done, Chenna!
Time And Space In The Balance chapter 1 . 4/27/2015
Greetings from the Roadhouse!

This is really intriguing, I have to say. You've really painted a fascinating picture of these... er... whatever-they-ares. There are some really nice images, like the one about the smile being 'black and slick like motor oil'. That's just... I can almost taste it. And it tastes really, really greasily weird. But that's a good thing, because it's meant to. Not that I'm meant to taste it, I don't think?
But I'm out of time - I will review the rest soon!

Keep up the good work!

-TSB
Yaosaur chapter 2 . 4/26/2015
I thought your descriptions in this chapter was wonderful like usual. You have a knack for personification, ie. "wind...cuts through the stillness", "sentences spill over", "rain pounding against the glass." I am really impressed by your use of symbolism in the dream in relation to the actual coming of the end of the world. I think using first person for the perspective of the story was a great idea. It made it easier for me to to place myself in Regan's shoes. I thought I was one with her in the prologue. I could actually see the field of flowers, feel the grass at my feet, and the heavy rain. I can actually relate to Regan because I am a away from the life of the party in college as well. This Roman character is stuck up, but I can't help but think he's a good guy overall. I think jock and wallflower combos have been done before, but I can't help but feel excited for how their personalities are going to mix. You ended this chapter at a nice cliff hanger!
Here are some quick edits (aka things to fix or think about). In the beginning, was her skin actually boiling? I mean the rain water falling on her was steaming off. That would be pretty disgusting and cool at the same time. In a later paragraph (when she wakes up), she said she could no longer feel the biting cold. It doesn't make sense to actually feel the cold when she said her body was searing with pain earlier. I noticed you like using parentheses for adding in Regan's addition thoughts, but it just seems a little childish and it actually cuts into the flow of the story so you might want to either take it out or add the thoughts in with another sentence. Also in the second to last sentence, you are missing a period.
Yaosaur chapter 1 . 4/18/2015
Hey Chenna13,

I am here to return your review. First things first, I LOVE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS. Here are some of my favorites, "air was electric", "woman...quilt beaten for dust", and "lights...man-made stars." Your descriptions are what I hope to achieve someday: short, precise, and vivid. When you said the air was electric I felt I could actually hear the crackling in the air. I thought you painted the picture of NYC pretty well (I actually live there, w).
As for now the story is pretty generic: a world ending and a hero saving it. Your story reminds me of Halo, which I just read recently. It's about angels and how they are here to rid the world of evils to stop the "agents of darkness" from taking over. However, I do like the direction of your story. The concept of good versus evil aren't completely new, but the idea of actually using evil as an energy source is.
What I did find kind of funny or perhaps contradicting was when you wrote: "there has never been such a rich spread (of evil) for them". If this story takes place in modern times, I actually think there used to be more evil in the past (racism, nuclear bombings, Nazi terrorism, etc) so this sentence didn't really make sense to me. It made it feel like you were forcing the story to be more melodramatic, but that might be just me.
I did like your prologue. I thought it explained the premise of your plot pretty well and because it doesn't reveal too much about our main character I am actually curious as to how she ties in to these people's plans.
filmsndfx chapter 1 . 1/28/2015
Fantastic.

Loved the imagery and the shadowy characters. I am sorry I have nothing to contribute. Other than, don't be concerned about posting online. First, this post is proof of your authorship, and second, what good is writing if no one gets to enjoy it. I am heading to the next chapter now.
SenatorBlitz chapter 2 . 1/23/2015
wow!

this chapter was so action packed! i loved the continued theme of this dream being drawn out through the story, and the way she's been falling asleep in particular classes. i wonder if the classes she is falling asleep in are important, i.e. is there some deeper significance to econ or history? and why twice in history, or is that just because she happened to be in history more than she was in econ? so many questions!

i was also amused by her approach by the cute roman guy whom she doesn't believe likes her. although, to be honest, she doesnt sound particularly abhorent to look at. still, i can understand the feeling where, once one has been a wallflower, one sees oneself in that perspective forever. i do, however like that her walflower status does not in any way make her meek. when the shit started to go down she lept into action and it was amazing to watch her go.

i think my favorite description was of the ceiling falling. that's such a magical thing to describe, i feel - almost like the heavens breaking for a storm, but instead it is concrete and its man made and somehow that makes it more sinister and frightening. i really felt the chaos of that scene so good job there!

so this reagan, i am assuming is the sibyl. it shall be interesting to figure out what that means and how she was chosen (and whether she still has these parents she talks about out. supernatural kids always tend to suspiciously lose their parents...)

kudos!

SB
31 | « Prev Page 1 2 3 Next »