|Reviews for Terren's Guardians - Book One|
| The Littlest Mouse chapter 1 . 12/18/2014
It's a nice beginning, it certainly captured my interest. I don't necessarily like the opening with a piece of dialogue simply because everyone does it, but I do like how it quickly introduces a reader to the settings and characters. I like that you show a lot of character in your writing, you can hear surprise, confusion, excitement, hesitation, and other emotions. I've noticed that a lot of writers on here sort of leave out diction and punctuation in dialogue and replace it with adjectives. EG: "..." he sighed dejectedly. "..." Jane said in excitement. Said followed by an adjective is written way too much in all the other stories I've read. Thank God that's not the case here! Great job, keep up the good work!
| Sidekicks-anonymous chapter 1 . 12/15/2014
The idea has quite a bit of potential, I think. I like the details you put in-painting the scene for your readers.
I think you need to slow it down, though. Elaborate, flesh out the characters and the situation before you move into the action. I know almost nothing about Isaac's father by the time he dies. I know almost nothing about Isaac. Why do I care about either of them? You have to give me a reason to care about Isaac, to invest time in reading his story. And you should spend a LOT more time on the action. There are some very intense moments in this chapter and you just gloss over them; they're over in one or two sentences. You spend more time telling us how tired and cold Isaac is than on the fact that he just KILLED somebody. Rethink your priorities, man! Build up suspense.
My second note is on your writing style. It feels a bit... stilted. It's unnatural, it doesn't flow. I can't feel any emotion in it. You also repeat words a lot (in the same sentence, I mean). I find it's a good writing exercise to forbid myself from repeating words; I make myself find a way to say what I want to without redundancy. It usually (in my opinion) results in better writing, and more importantly it stretches my creative mind so my work gets even better. I suggest reading through this out loud; that usually helps you find the awkward parts.