|Reviews for Winds of Change|
| Daniel Kozaki chapter 1 . 12/20/2014
Hello. Figures I'll rather pick a story that is not Melamin. :)
An okay start.
1. Let's see, something that I noticed, you used the word 'look' 9 times in a chapter of 1700 words. You can put in more variety and meaning, if only you would use other words that also mean 'look' but with a more specific implication like 'glance', 'stare', 'examine', 'scan', etc.
2. 'The developers of Winds of Change had promised a fully immersive MMO experience that left you breathless and would seem entirely realistic.' - I think [would leave] works better here, i.e. [would leave you breathless and seem entirely realistic].
3. Hm, brief introduction to the RPG mechanics... leans towards being info-dumpy and RPG-speak, but brief enough not to drag, so, overall, not a bad job.
'She wasn't much of a fan of dwarves...' - poor dwarves lol, who likes them? XD
4. 'She remembered and waved her hand at the NPC.' - Seeing that this is the third time you use the word [NPC] in one short paragraph. I suggest replacing it with [him].
Let's hope we don't see that GM again.
5. Hm, I wished that there are at least some more description when she killed the 10 wolves. I mean, we could do with some excitement. Oh, you're saving it for the level 100 thugs? Well... not bad, but just a little bit more description, plox? And not just 'killed off the 10 wolves needed'.
Hm, so killing is not just limited to PvP zones... Well, jerks can let themselves loose then.
'"I'd rather play by myself."' - er... girl, the best players in the game are offering to back you up and you let that chance slide?
Overall, I think this chapter gives out the fuzzy feeling you get when starting an RPG, so, not bad, good job. I think it's okay this way, with you sounding like you're transcripting an RPG session into a story, for the first chapter. Nothing too rich, though, characterization, scenery, etc. But after this, I believe you'll have to make things develop and build up better, to keep this story from losing its appeal. Do you already have a twist in mind? Good luck, Miles. :)