Reviews for The Necrophile |
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![]() ![]() ![]() RG Depth #4,633 Writing/Techniques/Style: I make a lot of suggestions regarding your style in this review. Please understand (in case I neglect to communicate this clearly later in the review) that I am merely expressing my opinion which is heavily influenced by the concise style of the literature I personally prefer. I found many sections to be quite interesting and unique. :) You use a lot of rich imagery and atmospheric language throughout this, especially in the first few paragraphs, and many phrases/clauses are quite effective and project a kaleidoscope of images all layered on top of each other, creating this very complex world. And I appreciate those aspects of the piece quite a bit, but I would also like to recommend you consider refining your elaborate descriptions some. I get lost reading this and I often feel you get lost too. Almost like you’re carried away by bursts of ideas. I think some editing, choosing only the best realized concepts/descriptors would really help this piece shine. I would like to use the next two sections as examples of the kind of editing you might want to consider. I personally would cut all the ** marked sections: “The black trees *surrounding the silence* were skeletons *of their own decay*, each a mere husk of twig and bone, tall and lone, seeking the calm of the night – *as can also be seen before a storm, a calamity – but not sought after, being burnt and standing dead, in that repose of bold irony.*” The image of the skeletal trees is so much stronger when you lift it out from all that extra, unnecessary stuff IMO. “Yet on the very town square *that propagated the dead air* a shadow was emerging.” For this first glimpse of your protagonist, perhaps cut it down to a single gesture stroke, like in calligraphy, you know? Character: Interesting how many airy skirts follow this guy as he moves. “He was a man, a shadow, an entity that caressed the skirt of the dead air and pressed on, in spite of the absence of wind.” This description of his movement is one of the few aspects of his character that you communicate. For the most part he’s kind of a negative space, you tell us what he is not, what does not care about, not what he is or what his concerns are. Interesting… Again negatives only here, even a negative/not present chicken slaughter. Why use ‘culling’ btw? You cull a herd, to get rid of the sick animals that threaten the health of the others. You don’t ‘cull’ an individual chicken really: “for there was nothing to see, nothing worth his sight – the sight of a culling of a chicken might have sparked greater interest in him.” Setting/Enjoyment: I think this part could be great. It conveys multiple layers of information about the setting: “crying in desperation over its tiny body the sound of agony and of unjust existence, the burrowers – the mole, the leprechaun, the gnome – and the empty vortex of lost plants and organisms that shrieked across galaxies of masters, the black trees, the supreme race. “ But again I feel by saying everything you end up telling us very little we can grasp onto, very little we can actually see and recognize. Also, what’s with ‘the supreme race’? Since you don’t qualify what you mean by throwing that in it sticks out and pulls me out of the story. I like this section the best: “the black trees, sprouting discreetly shoots of leaves, bathing under the sly liquid of silver, of mercury, the quiet cry of an owl that just underwent a cycle of hormonal change – prey hunting, reproduction, maturing, aging – that results in resignation to the burrow, the trees, the hideout, for indefinite time, all this was slowly absorbed into the man,” Very powerful stuff in there! :D “but with a second look could allow the notion of life to stream through the mind, this notion of life so unlike the town's, the silent frost, the empty air, the real dead.” Again a phrase like ‘real dead’ makes me feel that it’s hard to understand what is ‘real’ in this world. “and this atmosphere which threatened to suck out life from any living creature within its midst was homogenous with his being’s.” I don’t know about your use of ‘homogenous’ here. Homogenous is usually only used to refer to processing substances or analyzing social groups. For me personally, it doesn’t quite work here. Perhaps go with something like ‘harmonious’? “Upon the gate the ghost of a torch blazed,” Now, really, how can you have a ‘ghost’ of a torch? Perhaps ‘show’ how it is ghostly instead of ‘telling’ us it’s “the ghost of a torch”? Describe the scent of smoke or soot marks left behind from flames long extinguished…? More Writing/Techniques/Style: I don’t understand the format change here: “Upon the fields of grass within the walls of town, on a bright day, the sun restored to its place as king of the world. The grass green and growing, the flowers blooming, the meadow shining, the light golden and brown, from the king's crown.” It’s hard to read so much in italics. It makes it more difficult for me to enjoy this section. I think it might be cool for you to make the difference between this part and the one before and after more clear and distinct. The only difference I can tell is that there are different, additional characters, a boy and a girl instead of just the man/necrophile. I understand that most likely these characters exist in the memory of the protagonist but I think it would work better if you would make it more evident. :) Later in the next italicized section with the farmer I would also like more clarification as to the relationship between the necrophile and the characters in the italicized section. I like how you return to the air-skirting imagery here: “Here the air had been untouched for aeons; now, with the intrusion executed mercilessly by the shadow, it stirred and rippled at its skirts before vanishing upon itself and remaining as dead quiet and lifeless as it was before.” Cool! I like the action here: “And she spits on the photograph; the harsh splatter that rebounds across the walls of the room is so powerful, so cruel, that the boy outside hears no more.” Very symbolic in a cool non-clichéd way to have her spit on the photograph and have the force of it be so powerful. :D Don’t get why you use O! here: “The shadow the shadow the shadow O!” Seems just a tad silly, honestly. :) Overall this is a very lush psychedelic piece. I do again recommend that you consider editing it though. You have great material but putting out every single idea you have IMO diminishishes the quality of the piece as a whole. Perhaps consider thinking about what’s the most important aspect of every sentence. What are you specifically trying to say. And then cut it down to just that one thing. Try it. You may find a pruned, sculpted creation is more powerful. Just my opinion though. :) vb, mbw |
![]() ![]() certainly a thought provoking piece. I wish u the best in your future endeavours k |
![]() ![]() ![]() This has your trademark style of heavy use of descriptive language, which works for this what you're going for here, a very literary and thematically rich piece. You employ a lot of parallels here, the main one being the juxtaposition of dark atmosphere of the graveyard, where things go to die, with modern society which has had an equally gloomy effect on our protagonist here. This story is many things, a macabre tale of disappointment in life, a character study and a comment on society, expectations and our own human emotions which so often let us down. It explores the question of whether one can always have what they want, indeed, though most of us have the self restraint and sense to stop chasing after that which is unattainable and lost, yet, some, such as this man resort to perverse means of satisfaction. It is arguable, whether, in the end, the man has really attained self-fulfillment, perhaps, even twisted ways of expressing oneself are equally valid as more conventional ones. The dialogue in this piece, though minimal, was often rather jarring in that it was stilted and unnatural. I've yet to come across anyone who I could imagine saying "bought it just" or "my cruel baby" or even "what I should like to do with this abomination". Also, I don't think necrophiles typically go for ancient graveyards with bodies having rotted so long that there's nothing left to have congress with. But these are rather minor flaws for one of your most thematically ambitious work yet. |
![]() ![]() ![]() RG Depth review Opening There are many ways to describe the end of a day, and this description here is by no means prosaic or pedestrian. I think it serves its purpose well, setting the scene with premonition and foreshadowing, and establishing the somber tone of the piece in general. Writing The styles in the italicised (which I take to be the memories of the man) and the main text contrast markedly - the former is quite bare, stilted almost, whereas the latter is rich and ornate. I think this is actually a good strategy to separate the two time periods in the reader's mind, but unfortunately the later parts in italics loses this distinction. Pacing I would say that this piece should be read for its atmospheric effect as much as for its content, since the plot is fairly straightforward. While there is no real surprise in the way the story ends, the journey can be enjoyed in itself - there are some lovely passages of descriptive writing here. Character By describing the man as a shadow and giving him claws to dig up the casket with, you suggest that he might not be mortal, but then that is explained by 'the mechanical suit' - I suppose you had a reason for not highlighting this detail until right at the end. I think the flashbacks gave a good enough explanation for his behaviour, except for the scene by the river with the children, which I could not relate. The scene with the bear and the wolves seemed a little out of place as well, but not so much since you did talk about the bestiality of his act at the end. |