|Reviews for SINs|
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 3 . 6/5/2015
(At first, Sakuma was confused, but then he smiled. Why you might ask? - Quote) - Another fairy-tale-ish line. Looks like it was just added in there for the fun of it.
There were a few more errors I found but I'm too lazy to mention them all. Also just realised you use !?these?! it is technically not wrong, but the same thing can be expressed with only using just one. Example - "Wh-what the hell are you!" (took out the question mark).
Okay, I REALLY recommend eliminating the flash-back start of this chapter, it doesn't really fit, and it would be better if we just read that scene like normal anyway (one thing I've learned is that people don't like flashbacks).
Such an overrated riddle...
When Belphegor woke up from the couch, I completely thought we changed into (her?) perspective, but it suddenly switched back to Sakuma's, making it confusing to read.
That fight was great, looks like you have a talent for those... maybe. Lucifer's and Sakuma's bickering made me laugh... then he had to go and pretend he's a superhero, lol. I agree with Lucifer's statement about him being a dork.
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 2 . 6/4/2015
(He began closing my eyes, feeling as if he was about to fall asleep. But that was when I felt something... - Quote) - Ya, you jumped to first person perspective a couple times in there for some reason. Reading- 'he began closing my eyes' -was creepy if you ask me.
The only real complaint I have is the jumping between the seven sins, you do it often and the pace is pretty fast, so it is hard to keep up sometimes.
Finding out they all live under the same roof was a bit of a surprise. Figured they'd give him a separate building altogether... now Sakuma is building a harem without even meaning to, lol.
The fight at the end was cute, but I SO though Asmodeus would pull Sakuma into her bedroom and lock the door, maybe she has something against doing stuff in her own room? I'm at a loss there...
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 1 . 6/4/2015
Hahaha, the Seven Sins were cool, though I personally didn't bother reading the descriptions. Small details should instead be mentioned as they speak and interact with the MC I think. It is easier to read and makes them much more memorable that way.
The beginning struck me as an odd way to start a story, kinda fairy-tale-ish.
I would normally suggest showing us who he is, show us how he committed suicide instead of telling us everything, as this 'narrator' himself said he did. BUT we'll see if you continued this fairy-tale-ish style later in this story...
There was one repetitive grammar thing that bugged me (used 'was' twice in the same sentence) but I can't seem to find it.
| PiNerd of the Hephaestus Cabin chapter 7 . 3/23/2015
This chapter was really cute, but also really funny. There is one spelling error I would like to point out:
'''Then... ATACK!' Fumiko jumped [...]" "ATACK" should be "ATTACK".
| PiNerd of the Hephaestus Cabin chapter 6 . 3/17/2015
Demons actually have cardiovascualr systems? Eh, why not?
I did find a couple of parts confusing, though, and here they are:
Paragraph 7: "Mammon (who appeared to be discussing something with Mammon)"
Is Mammon talking to herself? Just wanted to clarify that.
Paragraph 28: "37 - There are 108 Heavy Sins, ranging from murder and arson to suicide and Robert (with victims)."
Is Robert really robbery? I think it probably is, but I just wanted to point that out becuase it is a little confusing.
I really liked the pun at the end of the battle, where Amdusias says, "'Go to Hell.'"
| PiNerd of the Hephaestus Cabin chapter 4 . 2/14/2015
Haha... the ending though... Anyways, mostly a good chapter, except for a few grammar issues. The most prominent one to me is when Sakuma orders, "two doses of fried rice". I'm pretty sure it's either "two bowls" or "two servings". The word "dose" is mostly used for medicine.
| PiNerd of the Hephaestus Cabin chapter 2 . 1/27/2015
I liked this chapter, especially the ending. Despite the seriousness of the situation, you made it seem funny. I also like how you're developing the characters, Sakuma in particular. Update soon, I want to see what happens next.
| Aoi-chan chapter 1 . 1/23/2015
Yay! Really awsome you're rewriting S.I.N.s. :)
| Chaos-DarkKing chapter 1 . 1/19/2015
So, you've decided to create a new account and revise you're old stories, eh? I must say, this prologue is actually a bit better than the one before, so good job on that.
Since I don't see any major issues that you might need to resolve, I'll just leave this with a 100%.
Well, see you next update!
| PiNerd of the Hephaestus Cabin chapter 1 . 1/5/2015
I really like how you portrayed each character, especially Sakuma. I felt like I could hear what he was thing. The descriptions were a tad long, though, and I mostly skipped over them.