Reviews for Big Picture - Chapter 1
Hakalau Tom chapter 1 . 1/10/2015
Summary: What’s a CI?

Story: Lot’s of little things I would change, but a review is an awkward place to discuss those, so I’ll stick to issues on a larger scale.

Why would a “washed up detective” leave a $100 tip? He gives his reasons, but they’re not enough. Maybe I’m cheap.

You’ve set a bleak, weary tone. I see a bitter, disillusioned detective still trying to do his job. His younger partner, Thomas, tends to cut corners and will probably advance faster than our narrator has.

(I’m already tired of writing “our narrator.” Why doesn’t he have a name?)

I can’t tell what’s coming, so I’m not able to suggest certain kinds of revisions, but your summary indicates a long story. I’m looking forward to it.

I expect Thomas to be killed within 24 hours. If that’s wrong, maybe you should reset expectations.

The reference to shotguns in the back seat (or the trunk?) makes me think that our narrator and Thomas were going to be attacked on the way to the precinct. Didn’t happen. What is this reference supposed to do?

Another odd signal, the snitch’s face paling suddenly. Did he see something out a window of the diner, something he chose not to share with our narrator? If so, good one. If not, bah.

Most of the italics, representing thoughts, are unnecessary with the first-person voicing. I suggest that you reserve italics for cases where thoughts would otherwise be confused with speech or other narration. If you don’t overuse italics for thoughts, then they are also available for emphasis, which you might need from time to time.

There is a section of dialog between Thomas and his partner where I Iost track of who speaks which line. Yes, dialog tags should be minimized, but maybe you could one or two more.