|Reviews for A Series of Incorrigible Gentlemen|
| CheddarBrat789 chapter 5 . 6/4/2017
I have some pretty mixed thoughts on this piece so far. Despite it being about relationships, the romantic vibes I'm getting are rather weak. The premise also seems kinda' odd to me, and I'm a bit uncomfortable with the themes of infidelity (though maybe that's just me being old-school).
For what I've read, though, the narration and dialogue did give me a few chuckles, and you did do a good job conveying the comraderie between the MCs.
| UnknownHuman71714 chapter 8 . 5/29/2017
I literally stayed up all night reading this, but it's fine because these dumbasses are fucking hilarious!
Why the hell did they always refer to Xavi and Shota as the twins though? I was seriously wondering that the whole time I was reading this.
| marcelacarreiro01 chapter 7 . 5/18/2017
GOSH DARN IT, REINER! How oblivious can a person be?! At least they got their happy ending, FINALLY! \o/
Also, Sara is. The. Best. (Seriously, I love her.) And I'm SO EXCITED to see Xavi stop that wedding! At least I hope that's what's gonna happen; let's wait and see... c:
| marcelacarreiro01 chapter 6 . 4/22/2017
I was sooo happy when I saw you'd updated! And the new chapter didn't disappoint, thank you so much for this! ;v;
| Dezari chapter 6 . 4/16/2017
I forgot how much I enjoyed this story. Hope you post again soon!
| marcelacarreiro01 chapter 5 . 6/9/2015
I really love this story :D any chance you going to update it?
| Shampoo Suicide chapter 5 . 3/18/2015
Yay! I've been meaning to read this for awhile but wanted to feel suitably motivated to review. I've had a super productive day so I'm ready to crush this woooo let's go! Ahem, excuse me.
So something I think is really cool is how you work with the omniscient narration to give a really clear sense of each of their personalities. Like I was thinking the tone throughout is consistent and yet every chapter feels so fresh due to the quirks the narration focuses on for each of them. I like that a lot. I really feel like I'm in their heads without the first person narration which is fantastic.
I love the evolution bit for purely personal reasons haha. I'm always saying weird shit like that to my friends, usually intoxicated, and am just glad to see someone else personifies biological processes this way. Erm, I mean, even if he is fictional.
God the plain clothes dictator bit is so funny and such insight into Reiner and his relationship with the group. That's another thing I love, when their inner thoughts give rise to characterization of others. Very cool. I really like the weird power he's got over them all which seems properly exaggerated for the sake of fiction and yet still somehow realistic to group dynamics.
Murdoch is interesting. She seemed annoying at first but became rather sympathetic which is a good thing. I like her weaknesses but also the strength she can display.
I love the simmering tension resulting from all these misadventures the guys are having. I cannot wait to see how things turn out ultimately. Congrats on your boards and other things keeping you busy! Hope you've got time to update soon though! :D
| Ventracere chapter 3 . 2/16/2015
Oho! Okay, I lied. Turns out I'm not going to start out with that kind of reivew every single time. hehe. Remember what I said about liking Adrian? His attitude, though a little broody and badboy, is definitely a keeper. Normally I wouldn't be too big a fan of him, but with the lighthearted aspect and his acceptance of his "superhero" name, it makes it 10x better. Onwards!
Did I mention he's got a "I don't give a f" about what other people think? This characterization is on point. Lizzy though is annoying as heck, which I'm pretty sure that you did that intentionally. She seems to stray on the side of annoying, which I'm sure was your point. I wouldn't say she was Mary Sue, but she was certainly grating on my nerves. Then again, I'm guessing that we won't see her again. That said, I'm loving the way that Adrian shoots people down so quickly. It's fantastic. xD
:(( Poor Adrian. Still rooting for him, but Reiner, Professor Ex might take a little more head knocking than most people. For one, he was the one who decided to create this "super hero" thing. Why did Adrian go along with it is the main question? Because he's in love with Reiner or because they were best friends. I'm aiming for both.
So Lizzy is back. Still a little annoying, but the way Adrian toys with her (more like the way he toys with the guys she's with) is amusing. As the gaydar, he certainly has a number of running jokes. The repetition of these jokes are hilarious. They start of as harmless, but just like Xavi's chapters, they have an undertone of seriousness and if I tilt my head a little bit, it might be a play on his and Riener's relationship? I think I'm stretching a bit. But he's the one who has the most against teenage girls, ahaha.
Omg. I'm grinning helplessly at the last few sections. I don't have many words left in my scrambled brains. But! I definitely can say I liked this chapter a lot more than the last. Which goes to say Adrian's gaydar isn't always perfect. And two, that little repetition again had me in stitches. Lizzy got a little better in the last section, mainly because she was helping Adrian (then burnt herself later ahah) instead of blaming him. It was a nice change. And speaking of Adrian, pretty sure for all the fun that he makes of other people, the universe this is set in seems to be pretty sure on making Reiner obtuse about just which way Adrian's gaydar points.
Nice job! Again, sorry for the short reviews and late returns!
| Ventracere chapter 2 . 2/16/2015
AHahah. I feel like I'm going to begin every single one of these reviews with laughter.
College is a wonderful and dangerous things. Xavi and Shota have a point when they're talking about diplomas, credits, and graduation. I think it's safe to say that we all know someone who doesn't know what they're doing and decides to take as many weird credits as they can just because they can. The dance credit isn't all that random. Anyhow. I think the "devirginator" Xavi, has found himself quite the dilemma. Perhaps Professor Ex's plans aren't going to go the way they want. Especially since this attracts the wrong type of people. Maybe they get lucky at the end. Let it be said, I'm here for the humor, and I'm curious as to what other pit falls they are going to fall into. Even with the humor, there's a melancholy tone to it, for sure. Especially when you hit on a particularly truthful note when the girl at the very end of the first section mentions how she doesn't want her boyfriend/fiance to know that she is broken. That was a damper to the humor, an underlying note a heavy reminder that not everything in this piece will be sunshine and laughter.
I'm not even going to comment on that middle half (can't math). xD
Adrian. Aww. Poor Adrian. He's got the sad face and the pining going along. How long will he have to wait until Reiner sees that he's the one? Clearly the pining is only on Adrian's side. But maybe after this whole "too much sex" event for Reiner is the first step to realizing that maybe he's Adrian-sexual? Welp. Probably not. The story is probably much more in depth than that. Haha. Either way, that's another subplot that would be interesting to see play out.
Back to Xavi. He definitely bit off waaay more than he can chew. He's meeting people he's met before, then it's hurting him more than it's hurting other people. Maybe he shouldn't have gone through with this, especially since his next "client" is Coach Agatha. ahahahah. Oh man, I kind of want and kind of don't want to know what he is going to do with that information. You know, asides from fainting.
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 2/16/2015
Ack! Sorry for the late reviews! But I'm going to try and get all three done tonight.
AHahaha. Oh man, I missed the humor in the form of sarcasm. The way your POV is carried out is done in a frank manner that makes me smile. Perhaps it's the way I'm reading it (in the case that I'm reading it in the wrong voice/tone, feel free to ignore me and let me know), but the way that he mentions the "teenage problems" were the teenage girls made me want to laugh (it did make me laugh).
Marginally beefier arm? Hahaha. Not the way some people would describe it, but I think you get the idea accomplished much better. Unconventional, but makes everything ten times more interesting and funny.
And here I thought I was going to be able to read the whole thing and review it at the same time. Yeah nope. Let's just say the puns were a'rollin'. The names had me cackling. But "Professor Ex" was the kicker. The names all have a special meaning to them, and for sure they're going to come into play as the story goes on. I'm excited, and this is just in a prologue? Man. I've got a feeling the humor is going to be starting right from the get go (it's already begun).
That said, I'm glad you did the introductions now. You accomplished that in a way that doesn't detract from the rest of the piece, and if possible, it enhanced it. You captured the streams of conciousness that tend to strike most every conversation, from one thought to the next between Xavi and Shota. And I think those two are an early favorite, just because. :)
What a prologue to begin!
| Shampoo Suicide chapter 4 . 2/10/2015
Returning the review love! Late and leisurely of course, as is my custom. Apologies!
I love the opening paragraph, especially the line at the end about his disagreeable nature haha. It's that kind of clever quippery I've come to love and expect in your writing, and a big part of what makes it enjoyable.
The beginning deluge of dialogue was a bit confusing with no tags, but I suspect this was a purposeful choice. It didn't hamper it too badly but it's something to consider maybe.
Quite funny, this: "If he had been any other kind of boy, he might have strangled Shota. But he was a Dmitri kind of boy and they generally found that strangling required too much energy."
(If you can't tell yet I'm reviewing as I go for a fun change of pace) HA the prophecy. I like how you've tied it in a bit with his college coursework, it feels natural and relatable as a person who loves learning and pontificating out her ass but is prone to distraction. I like the use of the prophecy as a jumping off point too, and will be thrilled and amused if it comes to fruition.
I love everything about the section where Shota runs to class and witnesses the breakup, especially the description of the girl. The sneeze joke was perfection. The ex boyfriend sounds like an incredible tool. The follow up musing about sex clauses was amazing. Such a great voice and tone this work has, I really enjoy it!
Oh my GOD this guy, haha. I guess Shota's a bit of a tool as well. I'm conflicted about being charmed by the voice of a sociopath but you've written it that way! That's a pretty neat skill to have haha, to be able to make this douchey behavior seem amusing (so far anyway).
Oh don't go dragging Xavi into this! Though I love his sweets weakness haha, it's a cute idiosyncrasy.
Okay, so final thoughts. The behavior in this chapter was definitely on the incorrigible side. Cruel even. I'm amazed by Cody as a character, she seems deeply insane. Shota is not nearly as appealing as the others who've been highlighted but I think it also helps put in perspective that none of them are all that great haha. He's just ramped it up to a billion. Love love love the reveal about Reiner! I can't wait to see his story fleshed out a bit.
The writing in this was wonderful, you had some really great descriptions and details. And you do it in such a way that it doesn't feel unnecessary or even removed from the narrative and I really love that. Wish I could pull it off in fact!
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 4 . 2/8/2015
Hi hi hi! So I am practically a tortoise coming to this chapter, as you know! I read this just after you posted, but then LIFE came and stomped on me, so whew, I’m only just here. Sorry for being so crappy! And if this review is sort of terrible it is because FP has DIED on us, so I am writing this without actually being able to SEE the chapter, which is...fun?
So I think what I liked the most about this chapter was Shota himself. Obviously, he is in no way an angel (even if he does sorta look like one, with his big sensitive eyes and all), and I think he would be too exhausting for me if we ever did meet in real life (dahling, I am SUCH a Dmitri), but I think you portrayed him really awesomely in this one. LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
So Shota seems like he’s sort of drifting a bit through life, being all hyperactive and winding Dmitri up, pulling off crazy schemes with Xavster and all, and generally being /sort/ of skin-deep, I guess. He says and does things to get reactions, and lives very much for the moment in this totally hedonistic sort of way. He does really cruel things, but he *isn’t* a deliberately cruel person, and throughout reading this chapter, I think you just get the impression more and more that his reactions are some sort of desperate way to lash out. Like how his scheme with Cody starts off sort of casual and fun (pulling the right sort of faces to tug at her heart strings and all), but because increasingly extreme and mad, without him seeing how mean he’s necessarily being (or even seeing that he’s being mean at all). It’s like he’s having such problems understanding why Cody’s still putting up with him that his main focus becomes pushing her away, and he becomes sort of blind to anything else.
And because Shota’s so used to not giving a fuck about anything, and she’s making him give a fuck, and he lashes out (sorta) because he doesn’t understand. He wants to put her in the box she ‘should’ be in, so that he can stay in the box of not-giving-a-fuckery that he’s kept himself in for the last few years (since his girlfriend’s suicide, I guess?). And EVEN AFTER being kidnapped and tied up and all (albeit with a blanket), Cody is still there for him. She’s almost as odd as he is (being an emotional vampire and all), but I love that about her. Fuck logic and common sense, she is who she is, and she believes what she believes in (saving this poor lost puppy), she feed on what she feeds on (although who knows how much of that is in Shota’s head, maybe he’s just trying to justify her without thinking about CARING and FEELINGS and things), and I think that’s actually really strong of her. I do wonder actually whether she knew more than she was letting on – like when Shota asked if she was faking in the HOT HOT LAB SCENE – I wonder if that applies to more than just, well, the obvious *blushes*.
That lab scene makes my lab work seem very very uneventful :( Although what is sexier than a multi-tip pipette? NOTHING is the answer to that.
SOME LOVELY SENTENCS I REMEMBERED TO COPY:
‘Dog ears and crisp spine a testament to how long he’d had it and how much he didn’t want to read it’ – I would have sex with this sentence in the lab. Nod.
‘I worked it out when I saw how much more fun I have than you’ – oh Dmitri, you fleecey blonde bastard.
‘Insouciant movement outlined in gold dust trails’ FUCKING YUM.
Ahhh and Sarah. You know my love for Sarah. So it is nice to see her again here. OH AND WHILE I REMEMBER, I think this is possibly the first (or clearest) chapter where you non-linear narrative comes into play? So we had Cody prominently (ish) in Adrian’s chapter, and I love how we *see* her before we meet her. Gets us all excited, knowing she’s going to be important and all :)
‘No, because you’re tall and built like a house. Now quit being racist and have a drink’ – I think it shows a lot about their relationship and such that a) Shota would ask Xavi to do such a thing, and that b) they’re comfortable making race jokes, instead of just ignoring it.
‘His piggy bank. Xavi’s piggy bank.’ – It is SO CUTE they have his and hers piggy banks.
‘Sex with men or sex with women, I don’t believe the hype’ – I would LOVE to see how Adrian would react to hearing this...
The body? Not big. Not small. Not average either. But perfect. For him’ – SEE! Look how much Shota’s changed! How much she’s changed him! :D :D :D
‘It’s like a wish you’ve had for so long, you’re almost afraid to believe in it anymore. But then to forget it would be worse, because it’s become so much a part of you’ – squeeeeee. So like I think almost that this is about Shota on a DEEP level. Relationships with belief and hope and such and how he’s had quite little of both so far, but maybe they’re just so old and ingrained he doesn’t even notice. Urp, I’m almost certainly reading this wrong, but even so! It is fun to get people interpreting your writing and such :D
Also the being somebody and being notice bit at the end is such wonderful writing, and I love love how it applies to both of them. DEEP.
NOW WHERE IS MY SOUL MATE DMITRI?
| Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 2/5/2015
Hey again! Thanks for your patience with my review returning schedule!
Oh man, I had to read this chapter through twice, because the ending totally screwed with my mind. It’s crazy that it all came true! So I imagine Dmitri told Cody about Shota’s initial question about old prophecies? Or did he have a role in any part of making it true?
I thought the Ferrero Rocher box at the end was a nice touch, given Shota’s comment about Hershey’s candy and not giving a fuck at the beginning.
Okay, starting from the beginning-beginning. I legit had the same experience of being in a conversation where someone talked about how many fucks they give literally (stemming from how few fucks they give metaphorically). Definitely not a pleasant situation to be in if you’re at the hearing end of that spiel, so I feel for Dmitri.
[another forced his bleary eyes open…] maybe it’s just me, but it took me awhile to wrap my head around this sentence? Another is referring to the groan, right?
[gold dust trails] *sigh* what a beautiful way to describe body hair. Seriously, I think that’s so unique and pretty.
I really liked the description of Cody as an emotional vampire that fed and nourished on sadness. I know she’s doing it with good intentions in mind, and that makes it even more insidious, in a way.
I really, really like the fact that you touched briefly on Xavi being black when Shota begs him about the favor. I think there’s a tendency for author’s to skim over sensitive issues like race in their writing—except when they’re writing a book about race—which is not at all reflective of the real world. I love that not only is Xavi black and a main character in a story that is *not* about people being black, there is a degree of self-awareness in that. I just think it’s so much more realistic and thoughtful.
Oh man, I haven’t had a straight-up bottle of classic coke in years, and I’m craving it. :D
I didn’t realize until this chapter that your chapters aren’t chronologically linear (I think?). Do we see the same scene from a different pov as the one where Shota’s muttering “no more sex”? And I guess Sarah is the girl that Reiner showed the tree to? It works for me, for the most part, and I was pleasantly surprised. I guess my one thought is that, given the large role Xavi played in the kidnapping, he would have thought about it, had it happened already, in the chapter written from his perspective? Maybe there was mention of the kidnap and I just missed it!
That said, I guess the major thing that made me uncomfortable in this chapter was the whole kidnapping thing. I mean, Xavi knocked Cody out cold, and then tied her to a tree for one night! I don’t think anyone deserves that (at least for having a savior complex), and I also don’t see how Xavi and Shota could have come up with such a plan. Until this point, they seemed… unorthodox, perhaps, but in a totally lighthearted, overall harmless way. The whole kidnapping thing was just kind of disturbing to read about… like they’d go great lengths to physically and emotionally harm someone just because she wouldn’t refuse to leave Shota alone (which is based on a lie in first place)?
I personally feel like, given the rest of the story—Cody forgiving Shota, them having wild sex, Xavi complaining about Coach Agatha’s question about circumcision etc the kidnapping could have been a lot more “sillier” and less painful for Cody, to maintain consistency with how much fun the story is having. I mean, obviously, there’s nothing wrong with seriousness; I just feel like this is not the best plot point to be serious about, and not the best scene from which to bounce back to funmode at the end. Just my two cents.
Everything else was really, really great. I was super giggly through out the piece. Looking forward to your update!
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 2/2/2015
Typos I found:
"Xavi snuck a peak round the corner" should be "peek"
"'Ass.' he glared" - "he" should be capitalized
Some moments of tension / weirdness for me that are really minor but I can't help myself:
There's a point near the opening where Xavi and Shota discuss what classes they're taking this term - and I call unrealistic relationship BS on that, heh. I mean, these guys have just been characterized for a full chapter and then multiple paragraphs up to this point to be inseparable friends - I wouldn't even be surprised if they shared a dorm room or apartment, and as it says right before that point - it's almost Thanksgiving. So imo it's unrealistic if they don't know each other's schedules by now - and yeah, you could say maybe they forget, but the question was posed in a really transparent "let's tell the reader what classes we're taking" way that felt a little fourth-wall breaking to me.
She programmed her number into Xavi's phone when he wasn't looking? I don't buy that explanation. Why can't you just write she put her number in his phone while he reluctantly let her? I mean - I was picturing their conversation very one-on-one in the gym, so I don't know what he would've been looking at for such a long time or...better yet, how she would've even gotten his phone when they were talking without his consent? Unless you mean to say she like, stole his phone out of his bag while he was working out before she approached him? Meh. Just a weird visual / illogical moment for me. I don't think you lose any characterization on either of them just saying he reluctantly took her number even if he didn't want to - you establish really clearly that he's skeptical of the whole thing.
Was Reiner sleeping behind his sunglasses that morning at the table? I get the interesting Adrian hidden-love thing between them, but it was weird to me that Reiner doesn't have any dialogue through that whole scene so I think I missed the implication he was asleep? If he wasn't asleep and my assumption is wrong, then I think it'd be a good idea to add in a dialogue quip from him!
"Ancient Languages minor" was a weird little questionable detail about Laura. It implies she learned more than one language fluently and it wasn't even her major (my Uni's language minors take 6 courses in their secondary language, but even with benefit of the doubt, saying she took 8...). I hesitate believing in her abilities, and if she was able to learn ancient languages (again: implying more than one) like that so easily - she kind of veers into a Mary Sue territory.
Okay - the good stuff of which there is a lot of:
Plot - So it's fun to see a plot developing in this story that centers around this friendship of these guys introduced in the prologue. When Laura showed up and there was the background of her complex past, I felt this moment of relief because the story took a turn I was hoping for. I mean, smut / erotica is cool, I got nothing against it, but when I'm on FP reviewing stories via the RG I'm more in a mood for a good story with some substance than one without, if that makes any sense. I figured this story would have substance as far as plot given the relationships established in the prologue, but still, heh. Was glad to see that developed further here after the first opening scene. I was like "Where is this going?" and kinda getting annoyed at the sexism with these two - they seem to live in a world where objectifying women is find because women are totally on board for being objectified, but maybe that's the dramatic irony - Shota and Xavi think they're using women, when it's really the women who are using them - haha. I like that turn of events.
Scene - Well obviously the big stand out scene here is the "mindfuck" scene with Laura and Xavi. That was a very surprising moment in this chapter that took me off guard. There's some great writing all over it, for reals :) In fact, it was so well written I kind of did have a bit of a tension moment where I couldn't exactly imagine Xavi speaking this way without reading it off of something - but maybe that's just because up to that point his characterization has been quite shallow (into his looks, only wants sex, surface personality, etc.) and then BAM that depth comes out of left field. That scene definitely changes up Xavi as a character and adds loads to him - makes him more complex. I'm kinda hoping this happens for each of the mains :)
Character - Laura is interesting. I think I like her so far - though I only just had that moment of tension with her in regards to the ancient languages - that felt a little too good to be true. Otherwise, her inclusion made this chapter! I like that she also has complexity in regards to her past, though her plot of the wedding makes the pacing of this chapter feel sort of brisk - or at least, the pacing of her relationship with Xavi. He doesn't even know her in the opening, then by the end and span of 36ish hours he's already "slept" with her and he's going to her wedding. That being said though, overall I think you did a great job making her feel realistic (save for that one tiny detail from probably only my weird perspective, heh).
Setting - Maybe descriptions of setting could go a little further. I think I said this back in the prologue too. There wasn't a whole lot of detail at the gym - so I kind of actually ended up picturing my gym that I use. There wasn't much detail about the smell of the girl's locker room either. You say it doesn't smell bad, but you don't give us any smell indicators or descriptors. I totally would believe that Shota and Xavi have a good nose for what womanly smells are like - even maybe brand names, like Secret or different perfumes. Little details like that could really push your world building further. Seeing a little more from the breakfast table and surroundings during scene would've been nice too!
Overall, great chapter! Was a really nice read, really. Thanks!
| Cheddar-Graham chapter 4 . 2/2/2015
RG EF review
I stand by Adrian as my favourite. Shota ranks third for now, below Xavi. Adrian has my vote cause of his oh-so-painful unrequited love trump card and Xavi's riding on the actually-rather-sweet-beneath-the-machismo ticket. Shota... *frown* can't figure out what he's got going. Not to mention he's a little too manipulative for me. Oh well, he might grow on me.
I rather like Cody, which I suppose is quite strange if she's being made out to be a psycho nympho chick. Or maybe not. I think it's because she's so all-out in what she does - all out wanting to save / heal Shota, and then the all out sex and even the all out acceptance/forgiveness in the end. I admire that level of commitment!
Just wondering now if you're going to give Dmitri a chapter of his own or if he'll continue playing background to the others. I didn't quite get the prezzie of eaten chocs - am I missing something? SO anyway in conclusion (Argh I sound like a term paper) I like how you keep your threads separate yet connected, so that while the chapters can be read as a series of anecdotes, they also do show a degree of cohesiveness that makes it clear that they're part of the same big picture.