Reviews for The Fate of Company
360pages chapter 1 . 9/20/2015
This does kind of remind me more of something like Mana Khelmia ect, it is pretty interesting so far. But it didn't suck me in yet. You introduce the concepts quickly enough, you really have 2 decisions with you magic system. Either you explain everything or explain nothing, or at least explain very little.

Both are viable options, the less you explain the more something can come up later, but you lose the inner workings of making your magic like a machine.
DevilPogoStick chapter 1 . 9/20/2015
Huh, I gotta say, this is something I didn't expect for one chapter so far.

I did like the ending, how it gave a sense of a hook coming on, that what you see is just a taste of what Mason will go through.

Keep it up!
cmaej chapter 1 . 9/20/2015
I saw the discussion about magic on the thread, so I'll put my two cents in the review. I stuck at constructive feedback.

I'm getting a strong Harry Potter vibe, even though I never read or finished a movie. I certainly hope you put a lot of thought in your magic system to make the story feel more unique. Why does magic exist? Do everyone have it? Are there certain classes or types that only certain bloodlines or races get? It is stuff like that that made series like Pokemon successful.

As far as the chapter, it can use a bit of proofreading. Mason is a kinda "meh", and comes off as a baby. Here says he's a man at the end of the chapter, but was holding his mother's name not too long before, lol. I was not hooked, but there wasn't anything brea bad that would make me instantly drop it, either. We'll see once you update more.
Starart152 chapter 1 . 9/20/2015
This first chapter put many questions in me. The ceremony Mason passed was strange and a little surreal as nothing was normal or something to expect. Following Nosebeak to obtain his item was not something I expected from a ceremony.

Overall, it's a nice chapter to start the story and giving questions to the readers.
Marc Reid chapter 1 . 9/18/2015
[Mason sat in the backseat of the car, wringing his hands together.]
- Alright, first up, this is a great riveting first line. We’re anchored with a clear character from the start, you set the tone well for this, give us setting, and there’s a nice inherent question to this. I’m already wondering why is he so nervous, which creates a nice sense of tension there and makes me want to keep reading.
- What you do here for character sympathy is likewise good. You show him struggling with something out of the gate, which is identifiable.

[That's probably why his throat was dry, all the moisture in his body was seeping through his hands.]
- Should read [That’s probably why his throat was dry; all the moisture in his body was seeping through his hands.]
- The semicolon is the ideal fix here because these are two closely related sentences, yet are so independent that need stronger separation than a comma. A period would be too choppy there too.

[His family told him that this was normal, the nervousness, the choosing ceremony— though it wasn't much of a ceremony.]
- There should be a semi-colon after normal there as well due to the transition and list.

[From his understanding all you did was walk about a large building until your item reveals itself to you— was an important event in a young wizard or witch's life. The first step into adulthood. Mason wasn't sure he was ready.]
- Restructuring with the dash and placement. The dash is intrusive here and doesn’t expand well off of things at point it’s at. So…
- My suggested fix: From his understand all you did was walk about a large building until your item reveals itself. This was an important event in a young wizard or witch’s life, the first step into adulthood.

[His best friend, Hee Young, was a warlock with the wood element and didn't have to go through a ceremony of any kind but she told him about a story she had heard about a boy who had disappeared during their ceremony. They went in and never came back out again. Just vanish off the face of the earth. Hee Young told him that was kind of like Mason: short, skinny, quiet, and nervous. Mason asked her how she knew that if the kid disappeared and she punched him in the arm as an answer.]
- Alright, time to start complimenting this, you’re doing world building the right way. You’re wise to start with a narrow shot, focusing on the character, then expand progressively as stuff becomes relevant and more we gain more info progressively. It’s far more immersive here. Also smart in not explaining the wood element stuff yet and leaving it to the reader to figure stuff out. Also liking hints of differences with wizards/witches and warlocks, I’m curious about that.
- Nicely done characterization there. Hee Young sounds playful, I can see myself liking her, while Ashantai and Jesse sound like good siblings to have. I like how supportive and more experienced they come off here.
- This is also a good use of telling instead of showing. While I’m someone who will hammer it in in coming points how to show better, I actually think “Show, don’t tell” is horrible advice to give. Instead I say it’s a matter of balance and knowing when to show and when to tell. This was a great time to tell. We’re getting oriented in this world, showing would bog down the pace of everything, and compression works here. We only need to know that tidbit before going on.

["You doing okay back there?" His mom asked, looking at him through the rearview mirror.
Mason shrugged and leaned against the window. His stomach was busy twisting itself into knots but all she would say was that there was nothing to worry about. ]
- This is one I’d edit at the but part for presentation. I’d have a suggestion, but I’m actually adding this entry near the end of my editing and, as you’ll see based on the rest of this, critiquing is very tiring for me.

[He stared out the window and watched the world go by. He saw people going to and from stores and kids playing on the sidewalk and people walking dogs. He also caught sight of what he thought was kind of festival, there were a lot of people gathered around a particular corner. He saw what looked to be a Cleanser standing at the front dressed in blue and yellow. He had been seeing a lot more of them around lately.]
- I was going to question the purpose of this description, but I imagine this is foreshadowing of some sort to other things, especially given how it was mentioned he was seeing a Cleanser (curious as to what this is) around a lot more lately. If it served no purpose, I’d cut it, but this feels very deliberate.

[It had to be ten stories tall and it looked old, the stone it was made out of was stained with years of dirt. Some spots darker than others. The windows were covered in a layer of permanent dust. The red painted door was peeling, showing the pale wood beneath it. ]
- Good description, three good details and it doesn’t over stay its welcome. I feel you should start a new paragraph after this, for two reasons. First, having all this tightly together makes it out to be bigger than it is. Second, smaller paragraph here and there quicken the pace when reading, making it transition into the next part quicker.

[Mason tried to swallow but his dry throat wasn't working. He hopped out of the car and held onto his mother's hand as they walked towards the building.]
- Another good quick part I think here as own paragraph because it works for a transition line. It keeps all that description from appearing in one big blurb instead and easier to signify transition and absorb it all.

[She pushed open the door and he was immediately his with the musty smell. He covered his nose and mouth and his mother laughed at him. The inside was no better. The carpet was matted down, even bare in some parts. The walls had holes and peeling paint. Was this the vibrancy that Ashanti was talking about? This couldn't be, it was all gross. His mom didn't seem bothered by any of this. They walked down the hall, turning when need until they came up to a full length mirror.]
- FUCKING A STARTING WITH SMELL AS A SENSE! It’s just really good thing to lead in when describing a setting.
- Deep POV notes, first time I’ll mention this and explain before coming back to this a number of times.

[She laughed a bit and shook her head, "Yes. That's what it looks like if you want it to."]
- Given that you appear to have a clear understanding of dialogue tags and beat, not going to worry about that much. Just pointing out typo there, you put a comma instead of a period.

["What? It looks like this because I want it to?" He looked up at her. "Well…what does it look like to you?"]
- Again, magic stuff and I’ve always loved this whole thing with perception.

["Mason," she said firmly. "You have seen your sister turn another child into a rabbit and have watched your brother levitate five feet in the air. Walking through a mirror shouldn't be difficult."]
- I just love these types of allusions to the past.

[Mason huffed and turned to face the mirror. She's right, of course, he's seen all sorts of different things involving magic. None of them involving mirrors but this isn't weird. It shouldn't be anyways. But as Mason stared at his reflection he could see sweat forming on his forehead, making his dark brown skin shine. He looked scared. He doesn't want to be scared but he also doesn't want to possibly disappear. Taking a breath and one last look at his mother he closed his eyes and moved forward.]
- Another Deep POV lesson here. First up, let’s discussion what you did well. You flow well there between having an action then thought. That’s one thing I really like doing really, action or reaction then immediately switch to internal narration. Your misstep is in switching to present tense in those moments. You must remain consistent in your writing. So example of fix would be [She was right, of course, he had seen all sorts of different things involving magic. None of them involved mirrors but this wasn’t weird. It shouldn’t have been anyway. But as he stared at his reflection, he could see sweat forming on his forehead, making his dark brown skin shine.] Oh and another thing, good way to gradually setup things without outright drawing attention to his ethnicity.

[He doesn’t want to look scared. He doesn’t want to be scared but he also doesn’t want to possibly disappear.]
- This is where your narrator’s voice I feel interferes and you switch into telling. I think this is a good time for some internal dialogue. Let’s take some time to quickly discuss this.

There’s direct internal dialogue and indirect internal dialogue. Indirect internal dialogue gives the reader an idea of what the POV character is thinking. Direct internal dialogue gives outright and it’s the only one that should be in present tense. There are bad and good indirect internal dialogue examples, which you’ve committed both throughout this. This example is bad because it’s just outright telling us because of how distancing it is. It comes off as secondhand recount of things, which is what’s key to avoid.

Now, I think this is a good time for some direct internal dialogue. That involves italicize and more I think it would show well with a quick stream of consciousness effect. I’d do something like…
- [i]Oh no![/i] he thought. [i]No, no, no, this can’t be happening! I can’t be scared. I don’t want to be scared! But I don’t want to disappear either…[/i]

[He pressed his hands against the mirror, feeling the hard cool surface underneath. He pressed harder and was then surrounded by a freezing liquid for a moment before it was gone. Then he was falling.]
- Again, I love the imagery! I can picture it so well, though there is something you can do better here with showing rather than telling. This is something I’ll point out at other times throughout this, but basically, cut out things like felt and all that. Instead just say [He pressed his hand against the mirror. The surface was hard and c
Darth Zannacross chapter 1 . 9/16/2015
All right lets see what we got. Well, what we got is a intro that, clearly shows magic is common in this story. I get a lot of Harry Potter vibes from this intro with the mirror that reflects one's desire.

Well, not to much to go off with this but, Mason seems all right.
Daniel Kozaki chapter 1 . 2/25/2015
Ollo, visiting. Looks like your first posted chapter in... a while.
Okay, establishing it's a magic-story early, on... a setting resembling the real world? So far there's nothing too interesting about the MC, though... reading on!
Turning people into rabbits... oh. That kind of magician. Should be fun.
The description and scene are good, just a little bit exposition-ey. You made the MC's personality pretty clear, the kind of... passive, brooding guy. Be careful, this kind of character needs to be well-written to have a charm!
Ah, hands.
A book? Well, was expecting something more... iono, boisterous? But kinda fits him. Let's hope it's interesting.
There are some little typos and mixed tenses, but nothing major.
The scenes are interesting in their own regard, and memorable. This story deserves more feedback, but I think you should post up more chapters. It's tough trying to get an audience here. Good luck!