|Reviews for Broadcasting Death|
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 1 . 2/25/2015
Wow, that was really depressing. You did an amazing job at keeping the atmosphere of the entire story so dark and did not venture from it. I everything came around full circle in the end and I the nuclear ending. Best of luck!
| MileyRowling chapter 1 . 2/25/2015
Another great entry!
| TanteLiz chapter 1 . 2/24/2015
Well, most of the other reviews have hit on points I agree with. Could use some editing for grammar and syntax.
You set up a clear emotional reaction in Jo, but I do feel the lack of a central conflict. Jo is shocked by the death of someone she knew (although not well), collects on a bet, and writes a brief obituary, but no conflict takes place. Jo is disturbed, but not damaged or threatened.
The high school graduation date puts her in her mid-twenties, all ready for an intimacy vs isolation crisis as she leaves young adulthood and enters her next developmental stage. If you were to expand this, you could go that direction.
| JustJazzyD chapter 1 . 2/24/2015
I read this about two weeks back and am just now skimming back over to remember my thoughts... First off, this is very well written in terms of how the different scenes fit together and the emotion I feel from Jo. I connected to this in a disconnected type of way. This has happened to me personally over the last two years. My high school classmates keep winding up dead in crazy ways. I don't go off into grief but other people I know lose their minds with deeply grieving facebook posts and over the top (IMO) comments about how heaven has gained another angel... And how their heart is breaking...really I think that's all ploys for attention from fellow grief seekers. So I say all that so you will understand that I found Jo's reaction to her classmates death to be a little over the top. Especially considering they didn't know each other that well. However, I also understood how knowing someone from your past just up and died before their life ever really got started really makes you stop and wonder about yourself and our roles in this world. In that sense, this was kind of introspective. It makes you wonder things like, What is my purpose? Why am I here? what legacy will I leave behind? Anyhow, I'm rambling nonsensically at this point. Good luck!
| Emerald Viper chapter 1 . 2/22/2015
Since so much of this story takes place inside someone's head, it seems like very little actually "happens". The numerous page breaks are a little disconcerting to me. Still, an interesting choice - I especially like the pettiness of the "bet" between the two reporters in contrast to the dark tone of the rest of the story.
| SuitedManatee chapter 1 . 2/22/2015
But, overall, pretty well written. I have a few points I want to bring up here so I'll divide them into two categories.
Category 1: Small Notes for Editing
"reportedly last spotted to have been going out of a nearby grocery, armed with bags of food"
Firstly, "coming out of a nearby grocery" would sound a little more natural. Secondly, saying that someone is "armed" with a bag of anything is a slightly bizarre figure of speech. Unless it was a bag of actual weapons. And then only maybe.
"soccer player, baseball player, basketball player and hockey player"
That's quite a list. Maybe it's just personal preference but I would have said something along the lines of "he liked sports."
The paragraph that starts "We were all so blind" contains the words "possibilities", "possible" and "possibility" two times. Just saying. Word repetition.
"I step inside, feeling warm radiation instantly surround me"
I get what you mean but the way it's worded strikes me as kind of funny. I'd probably spend a lot of time considering mortality and death as well if my house was full of warm radiation.
There are little mistakes that could benefit from another read through but I'm not gonna nit pick over tiny details like that.
Category 2: Complete Speculation on my Part
I don't think the news tends to report on murders to this level of detail. It seems more likely that they'd say the victim was found dead of a stab wound/gunshot etc. and leave it at that. I believe there are certain reasons why they can't disclose full details on cases like that.
Further, "large, gaping stomach wound" doesn't sound like a very television-friendly choice of words. Especially at six o'clock.
I feel like having a auto cue to read off would mean you wouldn't necessarily need to rehearse before hand.
Found just 33 minutes after he was killed. That seems like a decent police response time. Not if they're called out to crime in progress, then it's pretty terrible, but if the victim's already dead then, meh, half an hour's not going to make much difference. Anyway, the point here is that the victim's blood had apparently frozen. In 33 minutes. I don't know if that would happen even if he was killed in a freezer...Hold on, I need to go get an industrial freezer, a chainsaw and a live pig...
I never knew Terry was a girls name...
As I said, all that stuff is just me speculating and I could be mistaken about any of it.
Anyway, that's all I really have to say, so for now goodbye and good luck :)
| Master Chief chapter 1 . 2/22/2015
The question I had while reading your story was about Jo. I know writing in first person, it's hard to give descriptions. But in my head, I thought Jo was a man and thought it was a strong choice to downplay the romantic elements toward Emilio. And we find out Emilio's fiance was named Terry, a unisex name, so if that's intentional, well done! If not, forgive my mind for focusing on something so inconsequential. (Even after a second re-read, I'm not so sure, by the way)
That said, Jo's journey of mourning for Emilio was very powerful and well written. I only wish that more happened during the story. As a reader, I always yearn for some kind of conflict whether that be against an internal or external force, and I feel like this could have been a stronger piece if Jo underwent some kind of meaningful struggle. The whole improv thing may have worked, but ultimately after the bet is paid, it proves not to be that important. Anyway, I hope I didn't ramble.
| augie.toaste chapter 1 . 2/21/2015
Solemn's got the critique covered. Here are my additional thoughts:
Your one liners are the best, and you need more of them. The one about Queen and Russia is my favourite.
The emotional drama, juxtaposed by the professional exterior is a great storytelling device.
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 2/2/2015
"Figures you don't appreciate something in the past but the in the future" you've got a stray 'the' there. No other spelling/grammar issues I could pick out.
The feeling behind the story is solid, although it doesn't always come out through the words. There are a few places where Jo seems to get lost in the abstract facts of dealing with a loss instead of the crushing immediacy of death, and it pulls the reader back from the story. This isn't objectively bad, but in a story as emotion-heavy as this one, you might want to keep the reader feeling instead of thinking.
From a journalism perspective, there are a few places in the broadcast where it seemed like Jo had more information about the murder than the local police department would be likely to give-especially with it having happened so recently. My (albeit limited, not-first-hand) experience with the reporting of homicides is that the media loves it and the local police department hates it. Usually information will be released in the sparsest possible drabbles over as long as possible a period of time (e.g. a Brooklyn native was found dead. Then: homicide suspected. Then: cause of death appears to be trauma from multiple stab wounds. Then: victim identified as Emilio. Etc.) This doesn't fit the flow of your story as well, but there might be ways to get around that. The conflict between anchors and reporters seemed legit, though, and that was a great extra detail to add.
In terms of overall plot, you skidded in just under the 3k mark, which is impressive. You also managed to have a lot more resolution to your piece than I did. That said, the reader ultimately never gets any closure on the murder, and that's the thing I was most curious about. It's nice that Jo deals with her grief and keeps being a professional, but this felt like the set-up to a longer thriller more than it felt like a self-contained piece.
Anyway, you've got a great knack for writing and I sincerely hope you keep doing it.