Reviews for Lost
Virtuella chapter 1 . 3/17/2015
“Do not grieve, I say. Someday you shall find
A gold husk, a sea shell of vanity”

These lines were my favourite in the poem. They are evocative and beautiful, the gold husk is a good cypher with the juxtaposition of treasure (gold) and emptiness (husk). Also, husk and shell are nicely matched. Sea shells of vanity? I wonder what they might be.

I also liked that the first mention of gold is followed by “I, mere silver.” It makes for a good transition.

In the first stanza, the two times figure of four worked well, especially the second set with “so true,” “so quaint” etc. For some reason, possibly due to the tone, these lines reminded me a little of the poem “Abendland” by Georg Trakl.

In the last stanza, the frame provided by the repetition of “do not grieve” is effective and links in with the melancholy overall tone.

So there are certainly good aspects to this poem, but as a whole I find it less convincing. This is because the meter feels forced. For example, in the line “The building of man its purpose it lacks” it is painfully obvious that the syntax has been inverted purely to fit the meter. Using contracted words like “t’is” seems to me too antiquated and “u’on” is downright awkward – how would you even pronounce that? And what is “lad’?” From the context I guess it is supposed to mean “ladies,” but I really don’t think it can credibly be abbreviated like that. After all, “lad” is a word in its own right. For the same reason, “’spite” for “despite” is also pushing it a bit. The rhymes fare slightly better, but still, vanity/sanity or yonder/wonder feel a little strained.

I have a suspicion the poem would work better if you had used a less restrictive format. As it is, I can’t help getting that Tried Too Hard feeling.