Reviews for Unreal Symphony |
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![]() ![]() ![]() RG Depth #4,643 Well, I really like many parts of this. Your poetic/metaphorical constructions are often quite remarkable and hardly ever predictable or clichéd. Your original visual compositions are also very refreshing and intriguing. I always know that I will come across pairings I’ve never encountered before when I read your work. :) A specific aspect of this piece I appreciated was the way you approach character. Though like the other pieces of yours I have read, the ‘characters’ are mostly abstract or symbolic collages, I actually felt I got a sense of at least one real person, the protagonist ‘I’ by the end. I got a sense of biography anyway. ;) Having a consciousness to guide me through abstract ‘unreal’ worlds really helps maintain my interest in a piece. I suppose the way I look at literature, including poetry, I’m often asking the question, ’So what?’. Why should I care about what’s happening here? The reason that answers this question best for me is usually that there’s a consciousness to discover, people to learn about. So, please keep this preference of mine in mind as you read on. :) So, since this is an entry in the March 2015 WCC I hope it’s cool if I discuss the degree to which this piece appears to be influenced/inspired by the prompt as part of addressing ‘Theme’. Opening: Interesting repetitions here: “The fire is out and the sky is *clear*. What now? The smoke is dying and the trees are *clearing*, breathing life into the waste land that only a few hours back remained *dead* and teeming with the *dead*.” This leaves me with very pronounced connections between clearing and death, death leaves a clearing I suppose. I love the language here: “The house is blackened, and soon it will vanish into the apocrypha of time and memory.” Very powerful concepts, exploring the extrinsic qualities of time and memory and, I would argue, identity. Writing/Techniques/Style: “Peace is empty; burn, burn. Wood splinters cascading down violins and bows pulling their stretched strings - where the *surreal* orchestra explodes into a thousand sparks of pale, the individual fireworks and their green-gleamed flames up *for sale*, their essence not.” So your use of “surreal” above doesn’t work that well for me. Of course the orchestra is ‘surreal’, everything in this piece is surreal because it’s a surreal piece. Surreal in this context doesn’t have much meaning. Unless you get more specific, like you express how the orchestra reflects the conventions of Surrealist 20th century art or something, I’d cut it. ;) I’d cut the words “for sale” as well. This is the only reference to commercial activity and I don’t see how it fits in with anything. It sticks out to me. If you were going to get into advertising and the personal disorientation and disassociation with self that I believe we all experience as a result of comparing ourselves constantly to media images or something “green-gleamed flames up for sale,” might make sense. Again, these are only my personal opinions. No real right or wrong here. Just ideas about creating powerful, effective literature. Very resonant imagery here: “The red dress, that of rose red, shimmering so far away. Pinkish crêpe with white thin cloth - a divinity of sorts, that dress that shows.” Like it! Theme: “I would never wear it, this dress - I place my braids, my tie, my suit and necklace atop the drawing table, they are gone, are gone - I am both and I am none.” I like the way you appear to be weaving in inspiration from the prompt, the items you list seem like evidence of the character’s existence. When they burn up what is left? Who are we with no evidence of our lives? Very cool! “The scent... it lingered upon the patio, in the study - still I hear the music play and it soothes - and in the bed, in the bed and in dream, the scent of roses…” I see the theme being worked in here too. Evidence memories. More Writing/Techniques/Style: “One dreams through flight, around the petals of flowers, one moment, one moment, and awakes... We sit there and we dream, and I never ceased to rest my eyes from their twinkle. Their twinkle still prime.” Are the dreams twinkling? You might want to be a little more precise here. I like this passage very much: “Unreal symphony, be what you must be, and transcend. Red door that swings open, and forever takes to shut.” More Theme: “The house that stood proud and lofty - it has broken down as dream succumbs.” Evidence of the house evidence of family I’m guessing. “The fall to escape fire; the patio atop the second floor that surpasses the ground - one is driven to madness from fire, and seeks to run, to leap, to escape.” Why use “one is” instead of ‘I am’? More writing/Techniques/style: 'O fire, thou splendidst act, that makes known life” I am thinking that this is the choral section of the symphony, which technically speaking would make it atypical as far as symphonies go, but that’s cool Beethoven’s 9th has a pretty great chorus… ;). Though honestly, it reads more like verse from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer. Some of the faux antiquated language you use honestly doesn’t fit that well IMO. I get what you are trying to do, evoke verse of the past/get into the depths of literary heritage but it’s really really hard to mimic Milton or Donne (if that’s what you’re after). So many of the words you use in this section read anachronistic/inaccurate to me. The mishmash of styles just seems a little arbitrary. Other readers may very well see this part in a totally different light though. :) I like this return to roses: “Fire symphony. Red rose dress and rosy lips.” Enjoyed it! :D Good luck in the WCC! vb, mbw |
![]() ![]() ![]() So beautifully well written, the descriptions are great! :) |