|Reviews for From a Travel to a Stone|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/15/2016
The first line reminds me a little bit of the fluff phrase "These two things are similar, but different." Because I think the idea of following in a parent's footsteps, "but also not following" could be applied to anyone, so it fails to really grab my attention in terms of character. If this is going for an Everyman kind of vibe - then why do it in first person? I think that choice means we're supposed to feel a certain sense of characterization. So I'd almost suggest: "I followed my father's footsteps, but my feet did not quite fit." It says pretty much the same thing as "yet I did not" but we learn more - it basically fills in the "but different" of "these two things are similar" with what /was/ different, instead of stating there is one. If I'm making any sense. In other words, I thought the clause "yet I did not" doesn't do much.
This line "Stones are the marks of graves, not the living tales" didn't completely make sense to me - the writing on grave markers is there for the /living/ - not the dead. So in a way, yes, stone markings are totally meant for "living tales" - I'm thinking of stone tablets, even things as important as The Code of Hammurabi, etc. (Or Christian-wise, The Ten Commandments). Before paper writing, there were stones. Cave walls. All of those records are always meant for living people. Not dead people. So I suppose I disagree with this narrator. What they probably lack more is just something to write with /in/ stone (besides the ability to actually write). Not so much that stones are not made for "living tales."
The diction in this with the comma splices is a little strange, and almost hard to understand. Like I just explain that "not the living tales" line, but I don't even know what the narrator is getting at with the line "but perhaps I no longer live, as stone" - I thought the stones are the marks of graves? Not living tales? My logic goes to "living tales" when I think of "life" in that sentence - so the subject seems to have been misplaced... That being said, I do like the irony at the end with "more complex thoughts are meaningless" - I think there's a lot of complexity here, of course, though I'm not so sure /exactly/ what the narrator is meditating on. The fleeting-ness of life? How we aren't like stone? We fade? But then - the only way we can leave our marks is /on/ stone so that they will last forever. So it's again ironic that the narrator can't write... That irony is also cool - I think the ironies are my favorite things about this!
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 4/3/2015
( Depth review for Freebie win)
Opening: I like the way you started the opening because it revealed a lot about the main character and even his father showing their close relationship and how they are the same. I also like the complexity of the main's characters dilmenia because it shows the fact that he cannot be like his father since he feels he can't live up to his name.
Characters: I feel that we really got to know this main character in these two hundred words because you express him through the actions of traveling alone and showing how he wishes to be something more than just a face in the mirror. You also show that he has a strange thought pattern which I like because it makes him feel gritty and more realistic than other characters.
Writing: I like the way you were writing because it was very clear and concise and showed exactly what you needed to show without overdoing it. I also like how every sentence counts to further develop the character because it allows us to form a deep bond with this man at the end of it all.
Ending: I like how you describe the way he is writing this journal because it reveals a more complex layer of his character. It shows he is suffering from delusions of things to come. I also like how you show how simplilsitic he is with the end sentence because it shows what he wishes to be and his hopes.
Enjoyment: I feel that this piece is very enjoyable because it engages you quite well and shows so much with so little. I also liked how you manage to make a complex character and a strong story without him even saying a word. All and all, a great start to the story.
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 3/10/2015
For the Review Game
It's not easy to say something when the piece is short, but I'll try my best.
I like how you structure your writing by repeating words - fit, return, write, stone, etc. I think this provides a sense of continuity so we don't get disoriented.
As an opening to a 'log' style piece, I think this works just fine, but I wouldn't consider this a story since there is no real plot to speak of. However, I like that there is still continuity between the father's journey and the narrator's present situation.
| Jalux chapter 1 . 3/9/2015
It's short and concise and I think for an opening this isn't too bad. Certainly you touch upon the theme of a son not having to be like his father and I think this is a deep and meaningful theme to start off on. It's kind of emotional actually when the narrators admits they can't write like him. I also like how you have start each paragraph with an "I", definitely makes the pacing feel very smooth.