|Reviews for Evil Personified|
| Cheddar-Graham chapter 2 . 11/8/2015
I started thinking there was a supernatural slant to this piece but now I'm rethinking that because your narrating voice doesn't reflect that genre. No spooky stuff. So I'm taking this as a psychological thing. I think it’s smart that you leave it open-ended so that readers are free to interpret this as they would because the interactiveness would foster engagement. The ‘evil’ things that Lucy did, I would actually just consider naughty or malicious, because to me, ‘evil’ means causing major property damage, death or impairment, and definitley breaking the law. That leads me to think that this is all in her head – she’s too fundamentally good to really be evil, if that makes sense.
| LincolnCrowe chapter 2 . 11/7/2015
Okay, so I have to say one big thing. I don’t believe your narrator. “Evil Al” hasn’t actually done anything evil or been weird. Reading this, I feel like the narrator is just evil herself. Now that she has moved away and is free from close observation, she is free to do what she always wanted. It feels like she’s just blaming the weird kid as a form of bullying. If this is your intension, good work. If not, I think you need to work on it. Convince us that she’s really good inside, or that Al is evil and has affected others. Right now, she came to the conclusion that he’s the cause way too quickly (which I really don’t like).
I do like that you narrowed down the characters in this chapter a lot more. In terms of storytelling, it was much more cohesive than the last chapter. You had some good development of the main character and it was much easier to keep track of who was who.
| Cheddar-Graham chapter 1 . 11/7/2015
You certainly set up expectations with this short opening. Straightaway, I form the following impressions: (i) this will not a happy piece, and it will very likely have more than a light sprinkling of drama; and (ii) there’s a supernatural element involved. Is that what you intended? If so, then congratulations, you achieved your purpose!
The narration is quite impersonal for a first person perspective, in that I don’t really get a strong ‘voice’. By the end of the chapter I know a lot about what Lucy did, and how she links her actions to meeting Alan, but I know surprisingly little about what kind of person she usually is, or has been all along. I suppose I could just assume that she’s the polar opposite of the naughty girl she’s being here, but that isn’t very satisfying.
With reference to the previous remarks, I shouldn’t give the false impression that Lucy is completely insipid. I do get a certain sense of her personality – that she has a fairly active conscience, that she is fairly social, and she generally thinks of herself as a ‘good’ person. At the moment, apart from her encounter with Alan and the subsequent events, there isn’t very much that makes her pop.
The relationship is definitely one-sided at the moment – it’s all about how Lucy perceives Alan, and that too is based on virtually no contact apart from what she imagines about him. It’s not a very healthy set-up, but quite realistic, I would say – it’s like a form of obssession.
| LincolnCrowe chapter 1 . 11/4/2015
Plot: I think there is an interesting idea here. I like the idea of a boy bringing out a person’s “evil” side as they come of age. As we get older, we have to change our idea of what it means to be good or bad. I’d be curious to see whether you extend this to sexuality.
Characters: I think there is some room for fleshing out the characters a bit. You introduce a lot of characters, but I don’t really get a good sense of any of them, including the narrator. Perhaps if you focus on the main character a little more and wait to introduce as many others, it might be more effective. A quirky/memorable character moment for her (possibly before she's evil) would go a long way.
Scene: I think the moment of her stepping on the snail is a really good idea for a moment. Cruelty to animals is a classic sign of evil. That being said, if you could draw it out. Maybe if you show a little more character conflict in it, it might have more oomph.
Enjoyment: I had a little bit of enjoyment, but it was more curiosity about what is going to happen next. There are some really interesting moments, but there is a lot of confusion. I didn’t really get where she was or why she was. I’m curious if there is more to the evil boy than just being evil. Things were a little cluttered with characters. It’s a good starting draft and I’m interested to read more.
| Encore19 chapter 8 . 10/29/2015
Wowee what a wonderful little psychopath she is!
First thing I like about this chapter is how well you portray Gemma's scheming. She really is a sociopath, based on this book. We can see how well she played Lucy and got her to swerve this way and that, never noticing how she was been played the whole time. I like all the little things she did, like leave her door open all the time so other people would do the same. That was a clever little example.
I must say I dislike this direction though. What I'm really hoping for... is that Al is still evil and is framing Gemma with this book. To me it's just too convenient that Lucy would be paranoid to that degree and imagine everything, it doesn't stick. You might be a fan of this 'Al is really a sweet guy' turn but I'm hoping hoping this is just another 'Al WAS evil all along' type deals.
Good work with this anyway, I love how unapologetically dark your writing is!
| Phoenix O'Hara chapter 1 . 10/25/2015
That was AMAZING. The vocabulary is on point, you are definitely not one of those people who just use a whole bunch of big words to show people how "smart" they are. There were no tense changes (Something I admit I suffer from) and I don't have anything bad to say.
| Timbo Slice chapter 9 . 10/4/2015
I like the pacing of this chapter, how it picks up directly after the big revelations of the previous one and keeps the suspense going at a constant pace. I thought it was smart of Lucy to not confront Gemma right away because that would obviously incriminate herself, so she showed good foresight in taking the journal to Alan and leaving the photo copies of the pages for Gemma to see, it's an interesting power play going on between them that really works well with the character dynamics of Lucy trying to clear her name while still making amends with Alan.
Speaking of amends, I really liked Lucy's soul searching near the end, it's very introspective on where she is in her life and she learns that it's ok to try not to please everyone because you'll only end up neglecting yourself, a powerful epiphany that goes hand in under with the themes of this story.
| Encore19 chapter 7 . 10/3/2015
Wow, that's interesting.
I don't like how convenient this diary plot point seems. But maybe that's the point? Maybe Gemma's being framed or something. If not it's a shame she kept and didn't better hide such incriminating evidence. Any snoop could've found that and told people, not just a friend taking a coincidental peek. And why is Lucy using the excuse 'well I already broke her foot might as well invade her privacy'? Haha.
I like the depression explored from Lucy's loss of first love. But honestly I don't think I'll ever trust Al, even if it looks like Gemma's actually evil. He's just so shady to me.
| Encore19 chapter 6 . 10/2/2015
Wow, boy was he mad.
I did enjoy the scene where she spilled the beans. I thought that was done well. But maybe Alan's reaction was strange. I feel like someone would be more creeped out than angry. It just doesn't make sense that a nice girl like Lucy could do such terrible things. That would be a shock. But I suppose he did feel grateful to her for a long time while not knowing she'd been the reason he almost killed himself.
I also liked the ending sentence, it was poignant considering what she'd said before about the discomforts of sleeping beside him. I still believe Alan is involved with her evil side and is probably evil somehow, I'd be disappointed if this story ended without a proper explanation of why Lucy did all the things she did.
| Encore19 chapter 5 . 10/2/2015
I really do dislike Lucy's frigidness. None of this would be a problem had she been open to Alan to begin with. And why has she not gone to see a doctor or at least talked to a professional? She has done some seriously scary things and I would be so worried about hurting more people. I get that she's probably afraid but she needs to take more responsibility for her situation - she was corrupted sure but she should be managing this better. Makes it hard to sympathize with her.
I do like Alan's originality as a love interest. He's not perfect in any way really, he doesn't have remarkable looks or that aggravating arrogance. He's a sweet guy that can be vulnerable which is nice.
| Encore19 chapter 4 . 10/2/2015
This was sweet!
I do dislike Lucy's restraint. Maybe it's just the corruption, but I'm wondering why she hasn't opened up to him about what's been happening. And I was wondering before why she hadn't confronted him sooner. Sure she might like him but the fact he may have been corrupting her is reason enough for her to try to find answers with a man she's only started to really get to know. After how desperate she was in previous chapters...
I do like the romance and sweetness in this chapter, it was a nice reprieve from the creepiness of the previous chapters. And I also have a deviantart account so that was cool!
| Encore19 chapter 3 . 10/2/2015
If you wanted to disturb, good job. All the little evil things she is doing is turning my stomach. I liked the plot twist at the end. Alan's character has reversed from a villain to a victim. However this might just all be an act.
Another I liked is how well you explore Lucy's sinking mentality. She decided enough was enough after hiding sharp objects in children's toys? She'd done a lot of stuff before that where I'd thought enough was enough. You must have done some dark thinking to come up with all these sinister ideas. I didn't expect to be so creeped out by something a teacher wrote xD
| Encore19 chapter 2 . 10/2/2015
I like how much you've escalated the idea of raw creepiness from the last chapter. It has intensified and magnetized so much. Now she's dreaming of arson and murder. I really like your exploration of Lucy's struggles and suffering. She's still a good person but is finding it harder and harder to fight her evil nature. Her depression and fear is also explored well.
I didn't like that I couldn't see Lucy's first attempt of actually talking to Al. It was just explained instead of explored. I think that could have been more satisfying and perhaps insightful.
| Encore19 chapter 1 . 10/2/2015
One thing I liked about it was how well you got the sinister vibe going. Alan is sinister sure, but the little evil things that Lucy is finding herself doing is appropriately creepy. Killing small critters and vandalism, and you described her emotions in a really vivid way to me: mixing the guilt with the satisfaction.
One thing I didn't like though - and this might be personal preference but I think a few people might feel this way - is the time slippage in the second last paragraph. It seemed very sudden and out of place to me. Perhaps you could mention all the fun things Lucy's gang is doing next chapter and make it the scarf incident happens sooner?
| Timbo Slice chapter 8 . 9/26/2015
Wow, it's been a while since I read this story and I gotta say it's probably the strongest chapter yet! First off I liked the narrative style of it being written in a diary form, it comes across as very intimate and reads at a quick, almost conversational tone. It also works to break up the monotony that traditional prose may cause and is a very unique way for the writer to get their point across.
Second, oh my god Gemma is such a devious little hussy! lol this chapter was a stellar way to get inside of her head and with her "scheming" in full swing you really get a sense of who she really is. She is way beyond being a bitter, somewhat obsessed young woman, what she displays in nothing short of pure, sociopathic, psychotic behavior! This chapter also worked great because it acted like a catch up sort of chapter, where some issues are resolved and others brought to the forefront. Seriously, what a bitch Gemma is. :)