Reviews for Evil Personified
Shampoo Suicide chapter 3 . 3/29/2015
Very interesting development! I'm very intrigued to learn what is the cause of her weird evil urges now. As you know I'd already suspected they weren't being manifested by Alan, but this chapter serves as either confirmation or one hell of a misdirection haha.

I like the way you choose to escalate her evil acts. They're truly terrible in this chapter, but not so outrageously sadistic they're unrealistic. In fact the realism of it is what makes them kind of truly terrifying to think about a person doing. I'm wondering now if it's like some weird OCD or impulse control problem. Interesting to think about!

I really liked the final scene and the way you described Lucy's realizations. Having Alan be at the point of wanting to die is a really great note no matter what the true tale is here...if it's misdirection it's brilliant and if it's truly just him suffering at the hands of Lucy, all the while thinking she's the only one who cares, it's even better.
Jalux chapter 2 . 3/28/2015
[Opening]
I found the opening a bit sluggish and heavy to get through but I managed. I think trimming some sentences here would do wonders for your pacing. That being said I'm quite interested to see why Lucy is so terrified that she's picked up religion to fend off this guy's spell. It also begs the question of what on earth is he? Some sort of demon or something?

[Character]
Honestly I don't know what I think about our main character. I wonder if Evil Al is actually like...a fabricated part of her mind. All this killing roses, religion, acts of "cruelty" I wonder if it's all an excuse to commit this sort of acts or if he actually is taking over. I feel like we the reader are Gemma in this case and don't know what to think.

[Plot]
It's good, I liked the developments this chapter and I think you have an interesting story to work on. I'm curious to see what Alan's intentions are and I think you leave enough out in the open as far as plot goes that the reader is pressed to keep reading.

[Pace]
As I said I think the start is a little heavy but I think the rest of the chapter hits the nail on the head when it comes to pacing. You move the plot along fairly well while not skimping out on detail and it makes for a clean read for the most part.
Shampoo Suicide chapter 2 . 3/28/2015
Lucy is intriguing. I like that she's so insistent that she's repelled by Alan and yet so obviously drawn to him anyway. I know you've made the origin of her evil ambiguous on purpose and I'm wondering if it's because she felt odd somehow about feelings she may have for him. Fun to think about anyway, which makes the story pretty enjoyable.

The technique of making the narrator unreliable really shines in this chapter. In the first it was hinted at but it's clearer here in the way nobody corroborates her side. The ambiguity arises again though, in how everyone avoids him anyway. What's interesting though is wondering if this is just prejudice toward him for unconventional looks. It's almost commentary viewed in that light.

I'm liking the pacing of this so far. It feels like the main conflict may ultimately be internal which the pacing thus far suits nicely, sort of a slow build to a real instability. It makes me sort of eager to see how crazy things will actually get.

Overall I'm enjoying this a lot so far. I'm really drawn to the uncertainty of the plot and the cause of her evil urges, and you've really highlighted those aspects of the story well. The skillful writing is a real pleasure as well and makes it super readable and easy to get absorbed in.
whispers of lowlit flames chapter 1 . 3/27/2015
OPENING: I found your second/third lines a more effective hook than your first. I wouldn't mention it in a later chapter, but since this is your first chapter of this story, that first line really counts. Your first line is somewhat cliched and inexact - it suggests somethiing, but gives us little to go of, little to distinguish from any other scene/story with a similar line. What it does tell us is the point of view - but that's about it. Instead of relying on the rest of the paragraph to make this line grow, I'd recommend starting with something that stands out a little more and saving this sort of line to summate the images you bring out.

The rest of your paragraph is quite vivid. Beautiful wording and I can see the poet-part of you at play here too.

NARRATION & SPAG: One thing in particular that stuck out is that you use adjectives/adverbs quite a bit - in the sense that the structure is adjective/adverb noun/verb, eg "surreptitously looked" "impressive blonde", "deliberately stepped" Not usually something I see stand out in writing. I appreciate the descriptions you provide - and you take advantage of the first person POV to give us a few unique ones as well, like the sunlight "across the crumb-strewn floor" - nice shout-out to the cookies :D.

[...Kevin and Louise; and that was...] - do you need the semicolon there? I think the and negates the need for it. [...in Evil Personified] - at this stage, I wonder why the capitalisation. It makes it feel like a name or a title as opposed to a concept...and since we've backtracked from the first paragraph, I'd expect it to still be a concept at this stage.

One other thing I found interesting about the narration was the lack of remorse. She thinks about making amends, but to me it seems almost clinical, detached. It's like it's not her fault and therefore she doesn't feel guilty, just indebted. Which is interesting, because guilt is one of those fickle things that cling to the undeserving quite a bit. Maybe that's telling us a bit about what she's like naturally - or the effects of all this on her.

FLOW: The paragraph about the snail seems rather out of place. Something that doesn't really connect with the paragraphs before or after at all. Maybe combining that with about scene to maintain the flow? The lack of breaks is quite interesting as well - instead of segrating scenes, you make them flow into each other more or less naturally. The bike one on the other hand fits more smoothly into the narration and the story you're building up. Something more than time connects it.

The lack of breaks is quite interesting as well - instead of segrating scenes, you make them flow into each other more or less naturally. It shows the progression of time interstingly - particularly since the night pretty much passes in the blink of an eye.

ENDING: I think mentioning "disgusted" is a little rough, since I don't get the feeling from that narration - more morbid fascination. Aside from that, it's an interesting note to end the chapter on. A conflict that draws together some of the major players so far and somewhat of a moral/friendship dilemna as well.
JazzieP chapter 2 . 3/27/2015
Yay, we finally know about more about the guy. I like the fast pacing tempo in your story by now. In the first chapter it irritated me a bit. But by now I get why you did this, getting depressed like that and for her to get tempation about killing herself will take time. I have the idea that you do this on purpose so that the story progresses to the main point and that this is all just pre-information for it. (I could be wrong ofcourse)

Having said that, at the same time, I think you still move a bit too fast. By now a lot of months have gone by, but no one has noticed her behaviour? Is her school work influenced by the depression? How does she feel about the distance she is putting between her and others to prevent herself from touching them. Don't the others notice how she is distancing herself from them? I find that this will get across her feelings of despair better. Personally I think you would be able to implement this in the same fast paced style as the rest of the story.

I'm curious how the relation between Evil Al and her is going to progress. And maybe if another character will notice what is happening and tries to step in? Or will she find about one of his other victims? (if there are more victims ;) Maybe she will see someone else punctuating a bike tire. So continue writing
alltheeagles chapter 2 . 3/26/2015
RG EF review

Ah, I see the purpose of the 'obvious' exterior now. Ok, I like that concept - that everybody thinks Alan is a bad guy, but only Lucy is directly experiencing it. That raises the question of whether there really is something supernatural going on, or if it's Lucy herself who wants to be evil and is just (consciously or not) using Alan as an excuse. I also like how this is supported by Alan's own behaviour, in that he is not shown doing any 'evil' things himself, but rather comes across as a loner who is maybe not so well off (stale biscuit clue).
alltheeagles chapter 1 . 3/26/2015
RG EF Review

I like the concept of evil transmitted by touch, like it's some kind of virus. It made me start thinking about what makes people good or evil. I think the effect would be even bigger if you made Alan look normal, or at least not so obviously creepy with the crippled left hand. Maybe something like 6 fingers on one hand would be more subtle?

The way you describe how the narrator became evil makes sense, but I think you could increase the sense of shock she is feeling at her own actions. Also, IMHO, the revelation about Alan being Evil Personified could be made a little later, maybe after the first contact.
Shampoo Suicide chapter 1 . 3/25/2015
This is interesting. It's intriguing because it's taken at face value by the narrator that Alan is some sort of evil force, based mainly on how he looks, but we as readers have no evidence to really back that up. It made it sort of curious to read then and wonder why she suddenly felt compelled to perform all of these strange cruel rituals with the vandalizing and critter killing. I guess if we're supposed to believe he's a force that caused this to happen it may help to make it either clearer he's the personification of evil or perhaps less clear that he's connected to her sudden urge to do bad deeds so that it feels less confusing and more like some inexplicable force has come over her that the reader can later connect to Alan in following parts.

All that said I liked the style of the writing. It felt pretty engaging and skillful. The opening line in particular has excellent imagery. The part that follows about regretting having approached him could be a good place to start instead, though, if you wanted the sudden emergence of her evil side to feel more mysterious. I'm interested in reading more though, definitely!
Jalux chapter 1 . 3/24/2015
Some of the description here is very vivid and well done, especially like her describing his touch as a oily poison is a cool image and makes you wonder what evil is behind this man. Apart from that it seems to be generic school life with a touch of supernatural, not bad by any stretch of imagination because the writing brings it to life but I wonder how you will make it unique. Dialogue is good across the board, flows nicely and reads well enough. Overall a good chapter.
JazzieP chapter 1 . 3/24/2015
"Then I trust the pin into the front tyr of the first bike on the rack" was a part in story that got me hooked on. By then, not realizing what the ooziness was doing, all I could think about was if she was some kind of bully? the beginnings of the becoming of a killer? I really liked that part, even more when it become clear it was the guys fault. It makes you wonder what will happen if he touches her more, will it become worse? permanent? could she pass it on? Also I like that you start subtle with the effects of the ooziness, like crunching that snaill. I would love to know more about her moods though, is she constantly down? or does she still have moments of happiness? do the evil actions suddenly flare up?

Something I didn't like is the lack of description of one of the characters. Almost all characters in your story dont have a visual discription, not so much a problem as it is not clear who are going to play important roles. However evil A seems important. You skip through the days, the character has already met evil A 3 times, but all we know is that he has a crooked nose, crippled left hand and leather trousers. What is his hair colour? how old does he look? what colour are his eyes? and maybe something about his posture, for example, is he slumping, a bit with his shoulders? and with that readers could start thinking about how his curse (or is it a curse to him?) is burdening him. Or the opposite ;)

Hope this helps
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