Reviews for Our Secret
BunnyChoi chapter 20 . 2/18/2016
Hello Friend! :)

I really enjoyed this chapter. To me, it was solid piece that flowed nicely; nothing seemed rushed.

I loved reading about Hugh's past. It definitely cleared up a lot of questions. :)

Then chemistry and tension is definitely building between Hugh and Rozalee. The romance between them is naturally falling into place.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

~BunnyChoi
Victoria Best chapter 8 . 2/14/2016
Hello!

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you; I've been on holiday :)

Really enjoyed this chapter! The dialogue, as always, felt smooth and natural, and again I enjoyed the natural chemistry between the two characters - they naturally feed from each other's energy. Also, it didn't feel creepy, as it has done in previous chapters, like with the library scene and the date in the last chapter. I think more scenes like this would be just fine in developing the relationship. Very sweet and innocent and I found myself empathising with them a lot because of the circumstances they have met in. Would have been perfect for each other aside from the student/ teacher thing. I can tell you've worked hard with this chapter, so great job! Loved it :)

Also loved the mention of Earl Grey tea! My favourite :D I am an avid tea lover :D I have a whole collection of tea! So seeing this made me smile :) It's really cute that they are bonding over tea :p

"Spare time had been quiet and filled with work and leisure while Rozalee was busy working away..." And then, "two weeks had passed." Right, I am really not a fan of this opening line. It was just so boring, you know? Your opening lines need to be wonderful to really grab the readers attention and hook them. Have a think if the story has to begin so factually. If it definitely has to, then your language needs to carry so much more 'oomph'. I am sure you can think of way better words than "filled" and "busy working away" and "two weeks had passed." Think of innovative, descriptive ways of writing your sentences. Throughout the story you use a lot of factual, generic sentences, which are just not strong enough. Another example of this in the chapter would be "he asked as Rozalee let the door close and started to walk towards him." Again, just not interesting / descriptive enough. Remember how original and wonderful your writing needs to be in order to be noticed and published :) Just go through in your second draft, focusing on every sentence, and make your writing sparkle! :D

That was my main gripe with this chapter. I have a couple of minor comments, but nothing major.

"Have you ate yet?" Should be "have you eaten yet?"

"Waited before he left" and then "With the planning on the way." Not so sure about this. Should there be a line break in between these two paragraphs? One sentence you were talking about Rozalee, then she left, then we immediately jumped onto the "planning on the way" line." It was just too sudden and jarring for me. I would really recommend using line breaks, or if you definitely need to do this as one solid piece of prose, your connections need to be a lot smoother.

Other than, it all felt solid. Keep writing!
kumamon chapter 1 . 2/11/2016
Hi, greetings from the Roadhouse! First things first, you should only stick to either calling him Hugh or Colin, it was a bit confusing. You misspelled fist, near the end of the story. Also, I think it should be 'concerned look' on the clerk's face. Now with that out of the way, let's get on with the review!

I liked how you wrote this chapter, aside from the few errors, everything was really nicely done. I liked it. Although I think that it would be better if you had wrote out Rozalee's full name, it would have made it seem as if Hugh Colin wasn't over her.

You've made quite the setting for this story - teacher-student relationships. It's very generic, but I think that you've presented the prologue quite well, so the rest of the story should be good too. I look forward to see how Hugh and Rozalee's relationship blossom!
BunnyChoi chapter 19 . 2/8/2016
Hello Friend! :)

I love Ana; she is little match maker. Heehee. I worry for Hugh, his desire for Rozalee is really getting to the guy. It was nice to see a little more of his background. It also explains why Henry is so nonchalant about the possible relationship between Hugh and his student.

Very few errors this time, BUT I feel like I should share them with ya!
1. "Relax and breath." Change to 'breathe.'
2. "His fingers slowly glided maround her breast." Did you mean 'around'?
3. "Rozalee wasn't in the living." Did you mean 'living room'?
4. "You are also so..." This sentence seems awkward, take out 'also'.
5. "Although. that might just make matters worse..." Replace the period with a comma after 'Although'.

EASY FIXES! :D

Now, I have to say that I enjoyed the beginning. It was sexy and kinda erotic, but I wouldn't say it was too explicit. I like how it wasn't too long of a scene; this makes a perfect tease for the reader.

So far, I'm loving how this story is developing, BUT I'm starting to see how this may not coincide with the prologue anymore. After everything Rozalee has been through, I honestly don't see him leaving her. I can see, however, him changing his job so he could be with her, but cutting her out completely for years is something I don't realistically see. Unless the story makes a change in another direction and it leads back to the prologue. We shall see! Either way, I'm loving this story and would love to read more!

Take care!

~BunnyChoi
BunnyChoi chapter 18 . 2/8/2016
Hello! :)

Oh my, that kitchen scene; so sexy! The tension between them is undeniable. Whew! :fans face:

As much as I enjoyed reading this, I did find some errors that need to be edited however.

1. "Her face was still flush." This seems awkward.
2. "...watching her for a while as sat peacefully..." Did you mean to put 'as she sat peacefully'?
3. "...to see Rozalee in the Kitchen." Change 'Kitchen' to 'kitchen'.
4. "...it was tossed into the pan a" I think the sentence was cut off, because the following paragraph is "few at a time..." Bring these sentences together.
5. "The moment she bit into he, she started fanning her mouth." Take out 'he' and replace with 'it' OR change the sentence structure. For example: "She started fanning her mouth immediately after taking a bite."

All errors are easily fixable! Simple typos actually. :)

All in all, I loved this chapter. It wasn't overly sexy or intense; it was just right. The flow was very nice and doesn't seem rushed. That kitchen scene was just perfect! Whew! Read it a few times, not gonna lie.

Keep writing!

~BunnyChoi
Victoria Best chapter 7 . 2/5/2016
Hello!

Okay, I'm not so sure about this chapter. I understand them walking through town, but I am skeptical that they would have gone to lunch. Maybe it would have been believable if they were both worrying about it, like Rozalee saying, "er, yeah, okay. Is that okay? Going to lunch with a teacher?" And Mr Colins visibly being worried about it in his thoughts and his movements. Even so, I just found myself not believing it. Anyone from the school, student or teacher, could have walked in and seen them together. You know? I'm sure that would have instantly been seen as a date, even if he tried to argue his way out of it, and there is no way he wouldnt have lost his job if it was seen by someone. It's just such a bold, risqué move, really public place doing something very date-y, and neither of them seemed to have any worries about it, which they certainly would have had. Both would have been thinking "this looks like a date." You know? Them walking in the street is fine, because onviously if anyone from the school saw, he could just say "I bumped into her in the street. Was just talking to her." This is fine. It's just the lunch scene that is the problem. Maybe find a different setting, maybe they just continue walking through the town and pick up a sandwich or something to take away. That would be fine.

Other than that, chapter was pretty much perfect. Again, I love the speed you're taking their relationship. Little and gradual, very realistic and I can empathise with the characters a lot because of this - I can see that their connection is genuine and in no way creepy or anything.

I love, love, love some of their dialogue in the chapter, my favourite being, "Winter ball?" "Yes." "Going in?" Loved it! Short, terse sentences that worked a treat. Carried a lot of impact and showed us the way they naturally bounce off each other. Very sweet, natural chemistry. Great job with this.

Few minor points:

You say the words "Luke was around" twice in the first paragraph, which felt repetitive. Similarly, you say 12:00 PM twice close together in the paragraph, when you could just, "he set an alarm" and leave it at that.

Also, I've noticed you tend to use colours when describing. When you describe Rozalee you talk about her "long black hair with blue baseball cap..." And then in the room you talk about the white couch, brown coffee table, blue vase, etc. this is great for description, however it can get repetitive and does not allow for a broad picture, only the colours. What about the texture of things? The shape? The size? Perhaps even other senses, like what the room smells like, what it sounds like, maybe? Eerily silent, perhaps? Try not to just describe colours only.

And finally, I'm sure you know what I'm about to say :p I think we had about three conversations starting with "good afternoon." You could just say "Mr Lemus greeted me as I walked in" or something.

Anyway, just minor issues, the only big thing was the cafe, but maybe there was something in there that I misread, like that the cafe is totally empty and in a reclusive part of town or something, but I don't know, I think I would still be skeptical. The dialogue, however, was a real treat to read, very strong and characterising, and I look forward to reading more. Keep writing!
Victoria Best chapter 6 . 2/5/2016
Hello!

I liked the scene in the library. That was cute and well-written, and again, I applaud you for developing the relationship in little, gradual steps. I also loved the developing mystery of what exactly is happening in Rozalee's life, that makes her sometimes distant. You've got a complex mystery brewing here and I'm looking forward to seeing some answers! I can imagine Rozalee being under a lot of pressure because of the student council, so maybe that's part of the detachment she feels? Just a guess :D

No big issues that I could see, but I caught a few minor things (all simple to change if you chose to).

"The first place he stopped was at the library." This sounded funny to me, because I was expecting to see "the first place he stopped was the library." You don't need the "at the" part.

Right, you really do need to go through this and sort out your dialogue consistency. First Mr Colins was half talking like a teenager, half like an adult, and now Rozalee is, "when one really tries," "you are here early today," among a few other lines. Before, she always used slang and simple language, so to see this was a bit throwing. This does need to be tightened up because I cannot 'hear' the voice of the characters. There needs to be consistency.

"Brushed her hair aside." Like with the comment Mr Colins says to that girl in the last chapter, I am also skeptical of this. Child Protection Act means teachers are not even allowed to like, pat a student on the back. No touching whatsoever. He would definitely know this and that he could potentially lose his job for it. I just don't think he would do this - think how many years he has been training to be a teacher and being a teacher. He would be so used to the legislation that it wouldn't even cross his mind.

"She must have went out for lunch." Not a fan of this sentence - sounds a bit clumsy.

Three paragraphs about the room and then the food is way too much. You could condense this into one or two lines, "she walked to the fridge and pulled out oyster sauce..." I found myself skipping over that part.

Finally, I forgot to say in my last review, again there is way too much "hello" "good morning" etc. It was in the last chapter also. Just find new, innovative ways of starting the scenes.

Anyway, all minor things and the rest was wonderful. I'm really enjoying this. Onto the next chapter I go! :D keep writing!
Victoria Best chapter 5 . 2/4/2016
Hello!

Really loved this chapter. Probably my favourite so far, actually, because I love the developments of the characters and their growing relationship. It's so cute that they are bonding over books. They have this natural chemistry between each other, bouncing off each other's words. Dialogue flowing perfectly. I also love the symbolism idea. It's great that we get to see these intellectual bits of writing. Feels thought-provoking to read.

Some minor comments:

"If someone 11 years his junior." Firstly, just a stylistic comment, but I've seen it commented a lot that actually writing the number (eleven) is seen as more professional. Also, you use this exact sentence twice. Was this intentional? Even so, I don't think it worked - still felt a little repetitive to read.

"Appreciated how consideration." I'm not 100% sure, but I think there might be a typo here, same with
"had students come visit his class."

"Enjoyed their intellectual banter." Try to avoid using sentences like this. Show us his enjoyment of their banter, don't tell us, or style this sentence as a thought happening in Mr Colins' head, perhaps using italics or phrasing it as another rhetorical question. As it currently stands, it looks like it is part of the narration rather than his thoughts, if that makes sense.

"Plenty of horny high school boys." I am skeptical of this. I really don't think he would say this to a student. He could get fired for speaking to a student like this, I'm sure. I work in a school and we can't even tell the kids off anymore pretty much, (have to do it in a 'nice' way). Laws are seriously tight.

Otherwise, another cute chapter. Keep writing!
Victoria Best chapter 4 . 2/4/2016
Hello!

Another cute chapter. Back to romantic Mr Colin, which is great. He is adorable, I think. I love some of the lines he uses like "like a sociopath." Ha! That made me smile. I just love the idea of them bonding over a book, and the fact that she left it there for him. Really lovely scene, and also an original one - I don't think I've seen scenes like this before, teacher and student bonding over a book, etc. So great job with this chapter. I can see the work you've put into this and I applaud you for that.

Damn. Would he say damn in his thoughts? Doesn't seem like a thirty-two year old man's word. Just "oh" or something along those lines might be better.

Few typos here - "a interesting" should be "an interesting" and there were a few more so might be worth having a brush over when you can.

Finally, big a major issue but might be worth addressing. Thereare a lot "hellos" and "goodbyes" and "good mornings," etc throughout the whole story so far. A lot of the time, they aren't necessary. Just get rid and find ways of getting straight to the point faster. You will find they take up a lot of words in your word counts and slow your piece down for readers. Just something to think about :)

Hope that helps and thanks for the read. Keep writing!
Victoria Best chapter 3 . 2/4/2016
Hello!

I liked this chapter. I liked the development in the relationship between Mr Colin and Rozalee, and there was a lot of mystery also, like why she is falling asleep in class. I have a feeling there is something that she isn't telling him, something to do with family.

In the first paragraph, you switch to present tense. "It seems the faculty has just."

"Didn't I." Needs to have a question mark at the end.

Try to watch out for Mr Colin's language. Sometimes, he sounds really formal, and other times not very at all, for example, "Yeah no worries." Maybe you were trying to show something with this, but it felt distracting to read.

My only other point was that he is a little creepy in this chapter, what with lingering in the doorway, seeing what she is reading, offering to get her, etc. this is fine if that's what you were going for - creepy teacher - however, in the past two chapters it didn't feel creepy. It felt romantic, the way he simply thought about her now and then. You know? I think you need to be consistent - either go with the romantic angle or the creepy angle, otherwise you might get into trouble because people will argue you are trying to "justify" or "glamorise" the creepiness by making it seem romantic. Remember how touchy readers/ viewers are these days - you can hardly make a joke and someone gets offended :p This can be easily fixed, just get rid of that library thing, maybe he just goes in there a few times, sees her, heart flutters, walks out.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. Keep writing!
BunnyChoi chapter 17 . 2/3/2016
OOOOOOOOH SNAP! OH SNAP!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THE ENDING OF THE CHAPTER! YES! :victory air punch:

I enjoyed this chapter so much! Not gonna lie, I re-read the ending a couple of times. I demand more chapters. Heehee. :p

Only thing that threw me off was the bold print on the last paragraph; it disrupted the flow for me.

Other than that, I loved it.

Keep writing! Take care!

~BunnyChoi
BunnyChoi chapter 16 . 2/3/2016
Hello!

Well, this was a good chapter. The flow and structure was very nice; made it a quick and enjoyable read. :)

Only saw very minor errors; nothing too big! For example: 'nineteen. It's to pay for college.' Just make it to 'Nineteen.'

Overall, a nice chapter. It was great to see more of Hugh's past through Ana's point of view. And...I KNEW SHE LOVED HIM! TOTALLY SAW IT! HA!

On to the next chapter! :p

~BunnyChoi
BunnyChoi chapter 15 . 2/2/2016
Hello! :)

Yay a new chapter! So exciting! I am so happy to finally know what happened to Rozalee! Jeez, the anticipation was killing me!

I have so many questions running through my head:

1. Why has the police not questioned her yet? If she witnessed her father killing her mother, I am pretty sure they would take her into questioning immediately.

2. How is she still able to be with Mr. Collin? Even though he is offering her to stay with him, wouldn't it seem inappropriate for them to allow her to stay with her teacher?

3. WHY WOULD HE ALLOW HER TO GO TO A CLUB? Maybe I am old school or something, because that's too crazy for me! xD

I did see some errors in this chapter, but they are easily fixable.

'He took his anger out on us, and indulge himself in basically at the addiction know to man from drugs, drinking, to gambling.' This sentence seems very awkward because of different tenses and comma placement. I think this would be better, 'He took his anger out on us and indulged himself in basically any addiction known to man; from drugs, drinking, to gambling.'

'The noise, flashing light, getting lost in life and the pleasures of life?' This doesn't flow very well. Maybe write it like this: 'The noise, flashing lights, getting lost in the pleasures of life?'

'Be apart of it', change to 'a part'.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter, but I do suggest giving it another read and make sure to edit those minor errors. The chapter should be golden afterword. I'm running to the next chapter now!

Take care and keep writing!

~BunnyChoi
Victoria Best chapter 2 . 2/2/2016
Hello again!

I have mixed opinions about this chapter. While I loved the ending, in the classroom, I really disliked the opening of the chapter and it put me off reading the rest. You start the chapter by giving us three paragraphs of sheer "infoloading" - telling us lots of information about the school, the exams and the students. It was just boring, you know? I wanted to get into the story, not read about the way the school works. Openings of chapters should always be interesting, fast or grabbing to really capture a reader's attention. I do not think I would have read on if this was a paper copy. In fact, I would recommend either seriously condensing or completely removing this information, rather than moving it later down, because infoloading is looked down upon in the industry anyway - only a line or two should be used when it is necessary. It is much preferred to just "show" the reader through the story itself (scenes, dialogue, action, etc) rather than simply telling the reader.

You could easily condense this information. Like with the part with the students - you could just say, "he was seen by his students as a friend, and had been both invited to parties, and been the subject of infatuations." One line, rather than that whole paragraph. And with the exam thing - is this really 100% necessary? Would the story completely suffer without it? Could we see this information through his thoughts, perhaps when he is doing something, like marking papers? Could it be told to us through dialogue instead? So many other ways of conveying information.

Otherwise, I really liked the rest of the story, particularly the ending. Rozalee seems like an intelligent, down-to-Earth girl, not wearing skimpy outfits, being overly-confident, etc. I can see his admiration for her. It's also great to see a smart female - I get fed up of reading stories about ditzy girls. This was well written :)

The highlight of the chapter, for me, has to be the part when he reminds her the bell has gone. That was cute :) oh, and I liked the comparison with Vincent Van Gough. Not only was it a gorgeous line, it showed us more of Hugh's personality. So yeah, I think you've got two strong protagonists and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Thanks for the read and keep writing!
Victoria Best chapter 1 . 2/2/2016
Hello!

I liked this. You captured his longing for her excellently. I could feel the emotion. Great job with that :)

This was also good because you have set the story up nicely. I've already got the sense of what it will be about, and a sense for the character. Nicely done :)

My two favourite lines have to be, "The feel of her body, soft and warm against his," and "He gave chase but she was always out of reach." Great writing.

I did make a few comments when reading.

I think you have a tendency to say too much when only a few words would do. In writing, everything should be succinct. "Run on" sentences are really looked down upon in the industry. There are lots of parts here that are unnecessary and should be shaved off, for example the description of the "long and white couch." This piece of description just distracted me from the piece. Maybe you were trying to show his wealth, but it felt random to see a description of a couch in such an emotive piece of writing. You know? "Emotive writing, emotive writing, description of couch." This would be the same for the line, "Spread out on the glass table in front of him." Just say "rested his head" or "leaned back" or something. You don't need the "glass table in front of him" part. This long line completely distracts from the piece. There will be time for description later - I don't think this chapter is the place for it. Also, the "memories that should have stayed buried" part. I think it would be much sharper and immediate to just say, "Memories of five years ago stir to the surface." The "buried" part slows the sentence down. Do you see what I am trying to say?

Also, you need to brush up on your grammar. "Life he could of had." This is not correct. It should be "life he could have had." It's 'have' not 'of.'

"Without a second though." Do you mean "without a second thought?"

"Rushed off of bed." Do you mean "rushed off the bed?"

"Repeatedly say." I think this is supposed to be "repeatedly said."

Few commas missing also. "Over and over again as if," should be, "Over and over again, as if."

Also, there is always a comma after a word like "usually."

Finally, emphasise some of your lines. These two lines could be so much more powerful, with some interesting language or description - "went to bed" and "mind not letting him rest."

Otherwise, this was an enjoyable read. Keep writing!
42 | « Prev Page 1 2 3 Next »