Reviews for Our Secret
BunnyChoi chapter 14 . 1/19/2016
Oh wow, I couldn't stop reading! Read from ch 4 to ch 14! (So much for sleep!)

Poor Rozalee, I knew something bad happened to her but not something like this! I really doubt that she is involved with her parents' death, but I wonder if she saw what happened and that's why she is so distraught. Guess I'll see in the next chapter!

Keep writing and please update soon! The anticipation is killing me! :p

BunnyChoi chapter 3 . 1/16/2016
Hello Friend!

Well now, things are getting interesting between Hugh and Rozalee. Passing notes back and forth on homework assignments; how clever.

I enjoyed this chapter and didn't see any noticeable errors that need to be edited.

I'm looking forward to reading more!

Whirlymerle chapter 2 . 1/15/2016
I would pay attention to your tense usage. For example, you’re writing in the past tense, so:
[the top students of each grade are to prepare a speech and are presented awards for outstanding academic performance in different locations] “are” should be “were” in both cases

[before the new year starts] started

[amount of underage girls, sometimes not even his own students, confessing their love to him] is this realistic? It’s one thing for many girls to be secretly “in love” with him, but it’s another to say it to his face.

Instead of just telling it to readers straight, I think the writing can be more attractive if it focused on specific details. For example, in the paragraph that begins with “At the age of 27,” what do students do if they viewed him as a friend as opposed to a teacher (specifically, what do the straight male or lesbian female students do, since they wouldn’t making googly eyes)? How does he reject them? Bluntly? Politely? What might he say? What’s his definition of “not at all bad” and “really good kids”? How does his irritation for teaching adolescents manifest? Etc

I like how he connects seeing Rozalee read books to memories of his own childhood.

[Everywhere else was far too noise.] noisy?

[He took a paper cup and poured himself a cup of hot coffee with a single shot of french vanilla cream… he sat in his chair drinking instant coffee from a paper cup] this sounds a little repetitive, especially since you already introduced the “paper cup”

[As Vincent Van Gogh captured the beauty and peace of night and the wind breezing through the quiet night air in Starry Night, Hugh saw the beauty of solitude and the indulgence of one's own hedonism through that student] the latter does not measure up to the former for this comparison to work. Van Gogh created a masterpiece; Hugh sees something— arguably, it’s much harder to create something than to see something. Throwing in a name like Van Gogh sets up high expectations, which are difficult to meet. You can remedy this by having Hugh think of himself as Van Gogh, instead of the narrator, but then he might come across as pretentious. Also I would work on “indulgence of one’s own hedonism.” It doesn’t quite roll off the tongue.

[since the other faculty members has never done anything] have

[standing one feet away] singular of feet is foot

[which is selected by the student with the highest total grade and score between the third and fourth year] Wow this system is not democratic. But you do get to bypass the issue of why someone like Rozalee could ever become student body president.

[Mr, Colin eyes widen a bit] Try “Mr. Colin’s eyes widened a bit”

[She took a small bow before rushing off stage and down the small staircase, then shuffled down the aisle towards her seat and placed her hood back on] Um, what the heck?

[The valedictorian would be on the bottom of the list, wouldn't she? he wondered. Although, she didn't get the highest score on the exam.] I’m confused— so is the problem that Colin knows that someone got the highest score on the exam but somehow Rozalee was announced as valedictorian?
BunnyChoi chapter 2 . 1/15/2016
Hello Again,

I was happy with this chapter. I am glad you decided to write about how they met, it gives the reader more insight. I relish in the fact that Rozalee is different than the other students, especially the girls; it makes her more unique.

While reading, I did find some errors, but they can easily fixed!

"...with the hold over the head", do you mean hood?

"I will be supervising your zero period independent studies and announcements class, and your trigonometry teacher", this sentence seems off and doesn't have a nice flow. I suggest that you switch the sentence structure like this, "I am your trigonometry teacher and I will be helping supervise your zero period independent studies and announcements class", to have a better flow.

Also, in the second to last paragraph seems a little off. "joined the ceremonial clapping...", was this an accidental error? Who was clapping? I think that the sentence was accidentally cut off here and just needs another look through.

Overall, this chapter was enjoyable. Good job and keep on writing! :)
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 1/14/2016
I used to read a lot of the stories on FP in this genre when my main project was similarly themed. While waned, I’m still interested in how authors put their spin on the piece.

I like the imagery of the long, white couch, it’s very vivid.

[now held a more ominous shade] pretty sure that’s not literally possible. Metaphorically, sure, but then you have to deal with implications of melodrama and cliché

I like the part about chest aches and lungs because it was very visceral.

So my impression of Hugh Colin: He intentionally to fill his days with grading. The vibration of his phone is unexpected, suggesting he doesn’t get a lot of calls. He’s 32, at a peak age in his life, but he’s kind of languishing by, so it seems like whatever’s happened with Rozalee seems very significant, and I think you successfully convey her importance to him here.

In general, I think a challenge with the teacher-student plot in particular is that it’s always in danger of veering on cliché plotwise that other elements need to compensate for it to make the story stand out (or at least, not fall flat). It could be the sex. It could be the writing. It could be something else, but I’m personally a proponent of good, vivid, writing that can experiment at the line level. Here, I think the writing is decent, but could use a little more oomph. Also, I think some of the stuff about his inner turmoil is repetitive without being interesting, so I think that could be cut down to make the story more concise without losing any plot/emotional pull.

So Hugh was a teacher five years prior this story’s beginning, which sees him as a professor. The trajectories to high school teaching and academia don’t overlap, so I find it highly unrealistic that academia is what he would switch to. Further, I’m pretty sure he would need a PhD to teach and research at the university level, and most math/physics programs take 5-6 years to complete and may have a post doc component, so that he is now a professor five years later is unlikely, at that. Also, and please correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve never heard of a single university who has professors teaching math and physics (you open the story with him grading math and physics assignments)—academia is highly specialized.

[whom he involuntarily desired and completely fell for] I get what you mean, but the ambiguity in this sentence could inadvertently suggest that he has also voluntarily desired some sixteen year old girl. I think you spent enough time discussing his guilt in the previous paragraphs that it’s pretty clear here, and you can just leave out “involuntary” and the meaning will stay be clear.
BunnyChoi chapter 1 . 1/14/2016

This chapter was very interesting. The reader can see, even feel, Hugh's pain and his need for Rozalee, even after five years. It's quite heartbreaking actually.

The suspense of not knowing whether or not if Rozalee is the person who messaged him makes the reader want to immediately jump to the next chapter.

From what I can tell, the story so far has a nice flow and no major errors. Then again, that's to be expected by a grammar Nazi such as yourself. Haha. :p

Joking aside, as a fan of this type of story, I am very much looking forward to reading more. Good job! Keep writing!

Ckh chapter 2 . 1/14/2016
Okay, maybe I was a bit too harsh on my last review. If anything, the piece is certainly good. Just...just, remimds me too much of school worl using basic plot etc. Sorta like homework or something similiar

Same comments applied from the previous review, though plot is just decent at the moment. Really hoping the story picks up, but really, the story is simply suited for my taste.

Ckh chapter 1 . 1/14/2016
I'm just going to be completely honest with you here: The piece bores me.

I mean, the descriptions are nice and alp, but they feel a tad too dense, maybe even describing too much even. I feel that you are trying to compact several flashback chapters into one single entirety, and it just doesn't sit with me right.

The pacing is almost fairly slow here, and there is some redundacy here or there, though in some tibits. I understand this is an early draft (and frankly, who has a "perfect"/good first draft?) and this being a personal opinion probably means that some of my points are invalid.

Overall, in your rewrite, I feel that you can shorten the length abeit, or strengthen the MC/narrator's voice so as to make it more engaging for readers and a more pleasant experinece. (As well as to show more personality) Take the suggestions as you may, ignore them as you may. After all, this is just my own, personal review. Adios!

zzzeus11 chapter 12 . 11/12/2015
oboy... this is going to be interesting! keep up the good work!
zzzeus11 chapter 11 . 11/8/2015
this is turning out quite well, im am looking forward to the next chapter!
fandomaddicted chapter 5 . 5/26/2015
This is really cute, I like the part where the knowing each other better and start flirting with each other, it's always the most exciting lart, and my favourite. I feel that this flashback in the teacher's memory is lastig a bit too long. I mean for the story, it's a bit confusiong to have such a long dive in the past, but it is well written and very interesting. Good job in general, keep going.
fandomaddicted chapter 1 . 5/12/2015
This flows really well, I only hoped it was longer because as a first chapter it could helpto know where it's going. But I'm interested in this kind of stories anyways, looking forward for more :)
42 | « Prev Page 1 .. 3