|Reviews for Six-One-Four|
| SW chapter 1 . 5/15/2015
Interesting start. Unfortunately I haven’t read any of your “Ben and Kyyra” universe stories, so maybe some of my initial confusion or questions would be resolved if I had. Nevertheless, here are my thoughts on this so far as a story standing on its own:
Very well done narrating the action sequences. A lot of people don’t know how to do it well, but I was able to follow everything that was happening and could understand the situation getting gradually worse without you having to flat out say something like, “Things sure were getting bad now!” (But considering your older work, it’s clear you’ve had a lot of practice writing action and stealth scenes)
The dialogue was well-written. I was a bit uncertain at first when I saw it was going to be almost entirely radio-talk, but I don’t really have any complaints. None of the lines like, “Check; south east; street,” seemed to be there just because you thought it would sound cool. I think that’s another common trap when writing scenes like this, so nice job avoiding that pitfall too. Granted, it’s not my personal favorite type of dialogue, but it was appropriate to the scene and it wasn’t gratuitous. So no complaints there, either.
Now, maybe this is because I’m not familiar with your universe, but it was a little difficult for me to keep track of the characters. Alternating between their real names (I think) and their code names (and sometimes sticking them together) was a little confusing, and that was probably because there was almost nothing to set the characters apart from anyone else. It just seemed like talking heads, and that had me going, “Wait, who’s this person again? Where are they firing from?” But I can get over that because A.) I haven’t read the other stories in this series so I don’t know if any of the characters overlap, and B.) It’s early on and having to constantly pause a fast-paced exfiltration to explain who these characters are and establish their defining traits would be detrimental. So you definitely made the right choice to not explain any of it here, but fleshing out the characters more would be something I’d recommend for subsequent chapters.
I also have a few questions, but they’re the good kind that I know will be answered later on. What was this “package” that they were going to retrieve from the drug lord? What’s the drug lord like him/her(?)self? Why did this apparently shady government (?) agency want to bring him down instead of an organization like the DEA? (I am confused, however, with what you mean when you say Jade works for an agency that “doesn’t exist.” You mean, it’s a fictional agency that you created for this story? If so, then I’m not sure it was worth using your precious space in the description to tell us that. Or is it an agency that somehow doesn’t exist in its own world?)
I’m sure all these will be explained later. But for now, good job setting the story up and beginning things with a bang (sorry for the pun).
Also, one last thing…I’m glad to see you still haven’t lost that spark for writing. Seriously. I hope it sticks with you. It’s great that you’ve been on this site for so long and are still choosing to share your work.