|Reviews for A Girl Named Death|
| cud-b-better chapter 2 . 8/1/2015
The words from the dead the diary tells all. The mother is a bit of a bitch. You don't blame your daughter just because your husband left you, weak people do the harshest of things. This gives us a good look into the girl who died and I get the feeling that something even more unfortunate happens either because of that boy or her two friends that seem to isolate her on the inside (or at least that's the image I'm getting). Another good chapter, writing her frustrations in her diary was using it in the way as a sort of flashback was genius.
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 8/1/2015
Well this doesn't really sound like a suicide to me. A scream when committing suicide with a slit throat (how would they scream)? An attack on the throat? Definitely not the usual way someone kills themselves. Ergo it isn't (just my pointless opinion.
Now on to the technical sides. You've done well with the descriptions that were there and avoided jarring the flow you got the balance perfect. In addition I didn't notice a single mistake which is actually pretty rare when reading stories on here, so kudos to you there. You also managed to put us in the detective's shoes with their psych about his past cases and how they can't get used to corpses etc.
This definitely has potential the only draw back is that these kinds of things have been done several times, but then again what story hasn't?
| LonelyGirlLoveStories chapter 2 . 6/17/2015
AAh I am hooked. I am already lovingAlexias character and I like the way you pointed out the different nickname thing! Not many people notice that but it's so weird, we all like some nick names adn not other, mostly based on the people who call us with them. At least I do! But seriously you are a very good author keep up writing! I like where this is going and hopefully you can udate soon! :)
| LonelyGirlLoveStories chapter 1 . 6/17/2015
This sounds interesting I am gonna keep reading! Your wiritng style is very nice. It's easy to understand but still has this quite mysterious tone. :)
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 2 . 6/17/2015
"Its from staples", that was a pretty clever simple addition.
The fact that the diary seems pretty detailed, it is hard to believe someone would write all this out. Especially is a story-writing kinda way. Saying "I snapped" is not typically something someone writes in a diary (in my opinion) unless they've had experience writing fiction. Maybe they would try their best to explain and even go off topic... as if they are in the moment when they talk about something that excites them. That's when we can be sure they are truly proud of that line.
I think maybe it would also be quite a mess, with brackets, failed punctuation... you can get away with almost any form of terrible writing when you show a journal to the readers!
he said quickly - again, this seems like story writing, not journal/diary writing. Did she have an opinion of him? What exactly did she think? Wouldn't she write that down? Example: He said that quickly and his face was a bit red... no doubt he was an inexperienced idiot (Actually, all these things can also apply to the first person perspective you use, except the terrible writing-thing I mentioned.)
That thing with her mother... that was really captivating.
Being interrupted right at the end of a day seemed unrealistic, you could have completely interrupted us right in the middle of the mother/daughter fight! Even have her say "two minutes" or hold up her hand like a pro, and continue on reading to the end of the day.
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 1 . 6/17/2015
Heya, I'm from labyrinth...
First thing I'd like to recommend is going over your previous reviews and actually fixing the things they've already mentioned (like the tenses). If you don't know what that means I can try and explain it to you in a PM if you wish. Otherwise you're going to get reviews stating the same things over and over again and I know how annoying that can get.
Now to start my own review:
What got me was the tone the story was told in, in my opinion his inner voice didn't seem professional enough to be in the police force. In fact he almost sounded too young and inexperienced, similar to that of a child...
Stating 'Jerry's voice sounded serious' gives me the impression that he's never (or rarely) heard Jerry with a serious voice. I'd imagine it sounded different in some way, so that maybe our heroine could make a guess as to what was going on. (After all, our 'detective' should be thinking detective thoughts by now I think.)
When he walked into the scene he should be already identifying everything of notice. This is where descriptions should happen, if our heroine is good at seeing these things. (Right now he doesn't seem like he is a detective... so what exactly does he do? -is my question.)
The senses could also play a part in placing us in the scene, what exactly did the room smell like? I was curious because I don't know if it would smell like perfume or like blood. (Maybe a cop from before wanted to see what one of Alex's perfumes smelled like and stunk up the place by accident).
| MethodlessMadness chapter 2 . 6/12/2015
Would you like to publish your unfinished review? Umm, no — OKAY!
Anyway, as I was saying in the review to the prologue, even if you do not identify as a certain field of detective, you usually know WHAT YOU ARE.
I don't know. I would recommend research would be a great thing to do, but if you don't care, that's fine. I'm only a law student pursuing a degree in forensic chemistry. This will only irk ME.
I don't have much time. I'll make this next part quick.
As for your first chapter, I don't know what to think. The tone is appropriate for a diary and several lines that I actually do like ("I got it at Staples." I'm not sure why I like this...I just do.)
Alexandria is...I've seen a lot of her, I'll just say that. An unlikable personality, blue-green eyes, never wears makeup, snarky etc.
I don't know.
I gotta go right now. I'll probably explain later. But yeah.
| MethodlessMadness chapter 1 . 6/12/2015
Hello! Here to return reviews. Sorry it took a while; I was busy.
The first thing I noticed was that you don't seem to have hold over your tense. In the first paragraph you used present tense phrases such as "the wind brushes", "I grab" etc, but for the rest of the prologue you used past tense phrases like "I glanced", "It was" etc. This is a very easy error to miss but in a final draft could be absolutely devastating to the attention of your reader. Pick one tense and stick with it.
I believe someone might have already mentioned this, but this first chapter is very heavy on the "telling" and less on the "showing". An entire paragraph of short choppy sentences like "I put a doughnut in my mouth. It's a sunny Monday afternoon. I mentally go over my schedule." can very quickly lose your reader's interest because none of the language catches the senses and every sentence sounds the same. I would advise practicing more with concrete descriptors, verbs, and different sentence structures — this allows you to step away from paragraphs full of mundane simple subjects and venture into a more natural, vivid flow to your narrator's speech.
I remember now that you were the reader to critique me on too many long sentences. Perhaps this is just a matter of taste and reading level we're dealing with though — you like short sentences, and I prefer long. Curious.
As for the plot, etc...
I'm not entirely sure why a recent recruit to the police station would have seen murders but not suicides. Suicide is actually twice as prevalent in the United States and tend to be noticed quicker because many suicides are committed in the person's home, whereas murders can go days or weeks before being exposed. In addition suicides are often more clean-cut and the detective on the job would not need the same level of experience as required for homicide detectives.
The phrase "had the job of a detective of sorts" slightly bothered me. First of all, to become any sort of detective, you need a college degree in criminal justice or law enforcement, complete police training academy, and must have experience in the field as a working officer. Once there, you can't just be a "detective of sorts". Oftentimes you enter a specific field and identify by that field (homicide detectives, narcotic detectives, forensics detectives etc.) but even if you don't, you
| Chenna13 chapter 2 . 6/11/2015
This chapter was a lot easier to read than the prologue, maybe because diary style writing suits your writing style better than a narrative. I really like meeting this girl through what she's writing in her diary, and meeting the other characters in the story. It almost felt like a completely separate story from where the prologue was.
The scene between Alexis and her mother was really sad, but it stopped just short of heart-breaking... I think this is another place where more descriptions could help the reader connect more with the character. I think you should really delve into how it would feel to have a father who left you with a drunk mother who beats you, and try to write that scene again with those emotions in mine. As is the scene is only evoking surface emotion, and I think you have the ability to make it a little more heart wrenching.
The transition from the diary to Jonathan in the present was smooth. Great job on this chapter. That's all for me for now. I'm excited to see where it goes.
| Chenna13 chapter 1 . 6/11/2015
Hi, here from the Roadhouse to review!
The first thing I'd want to tell you is that as a reader, it is always easier for me to get through the story when the writer isn't always telling me directly what happened, but showing me through description and prose. I think this prologue could use more imagery, so that it reads less like an essay and more like a story.
Also, there's an abundance of pronouns being used one sentence after another. "...I roll the window down. MY car cruises through lanes. I take deep breaths..." I starts to become distracting as I try to read. You also switch between a present and past tense narrative a couple of times. You start off your story with 'The wind brushes through my hair..." which leads me to believe the story is going to be told in present, but as it goes on it changes to "I observed. I closed..." This pulled me out of the story too.
I'm excited to know where the story goes... I always like to read about murder mysteries and things like that, and it seems like it's going in this direction. On to the next chapter!
| alcoholicpanda chapter 2 . 6/10/2015
The situation this girl is in is a theme I like. A drunk single mother, very few friends, and bullied quite a bit. I love sad stories, let's be quite frank here.
How old is your character? She's in high school, no? Hm...it seems odd that someone like her would be "ashamed" of cussing. I know a few kids who've been abused and I'll say this quite bluntly: None of them are "ashamed" of cussing. None. Not even one. You don't think to be ashamed when you hear it every day; you become desensitized to the words. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a word, that's what they think,and they just. don't. care. Hell, I'm not even abused and *I* don't care.
She's very cheerful and naïve for someone who goes through what she goes through as well. It makes me wonder about you, and how old you are. Have you done research for this? It's a good idea to look up facts about domestic abuse and such if you're going to have these themes in your writing. (For my story, I looked up a lot about prostitution...the facts I found were horrifying, but it's helped me improve quite a bit, I think.)
I feel hesitant about her friends. They don't feel quite honest, you know? Not...trustworthy. Again, I'd suggest working on the length of your sentences, and making some longer and some shorter.
I do love this though, and I can't wait to see your next chapter. Please be sure to let me know when it's up!
(Also, how boring are the crimes Jonathan takes care of? Abusive households are a recurring theme among criminals, you know. Ahh, but he is still a new fish. He can't have had all that many jobs just yet.)
| alcoholicpanda chapter 1 . 6/10/2015
Ah...this is a good first chapter, I suppose. The premise seems interesting, and I am definitely going to read further and see where it goes. However, I can't say I'm particularly fond of your writing style. Your sentences are really choppy-they're all relatively the same length, with little to no variation. Add in some complex and compound sentences in there. Make some of them long, and some of them really short. It makes the story flow easier when you do, and makes it more interesting as a result. You use simple words, as well...don't be afraid to branch out. We're nerds, and we're online, so it's easy to look it up if we need to. Also, since this is first person, you do need to portray some emotion. I'm sure you were trying to, but it's hard to see. It just feels formal and detached, so it's kind of uncomfortable. Honestly, it feels kind of like you're taking notes, just documenting what happened instead of telling a story. Create a visual for us. A narrator's bias. Make them react to the suicide, not just go "this is important".
Regardless, I really am very interested in reading further. I want to know more about your story, and see what else you have to tell. Why'd she scream if she killed herself, I wonder? And what does her suicide note say? What's in her diary? I'm very intrigued...