Reviews for Lucy
Sjoorm chapter 1 . 4/29/2016
For starters, this sentence "His thick boots plodded through all kinds of debris that perfused the sewage and through fragmented, almost insectoid eyes he stalked past bloated rats that seemed to feed on anything in their path and the strange luminescence of mushrooms which crawled up the sides of the glistening bricks." is far too purple. You use an adjective for nearly every descriptor and I really think you could get rid of a few here, namely "insectoid" (you already have an adjective for the rats eyes, using two is a bit overkill). After that, I think you should break up your sentence between the beginning and "and the strange luminescence of mushrooms which crawled up the sides of the glistening bricks."

"Queer resonations" were they really that odd? The character does understand it is just water dripping.

"Once inside, sven ripped off" really needs that comma to cause a break in this sentence. That might just be me, though.

"Jelly-like" needs the dash.

"Back and fourth" take away the "u" on forth.

"Inside of a" doesn't need the "of".

I really enjoyed this story, and past the mild shock and horror I felt when Sven held that girl down to take her eye out (this isn't something that would kill her by the way, I feel like Sven should have actually finished the job to give this paragraph some form of finality) was a sharp contrast to what I thought was going to be a monster story - yes, it did turn into that later, but no matter.

For some reason I like gore (a lot) so you have appeased me with this one c: Thanks for the read, Chiscribe!
alltheeagles chapter 1 . 1/9/2016
RG EF

I like the inherent romance of this piece, despite it not having a happy ending and the fairly gory content. Doomed love just has that certain je ne sais quoi, no matter how impractical it is. There was this TV series 'Beauty and the Beast' and it reminded me somewhat of that.

The setting has that dystopian future vibe. I like how you show glimpses of the world they live in, enough that I start to wonder just how different it is from our 'real' world, yet not so much detail that I get drowned in facts. That wonder makes me think about the story, and that in turn fixes it more firmly in my mind.
Virtuella chapter 1 . 7/8/2015
Excellent!

To my mind – and I would imagine to many others’ – the name Sven connotes some wholesome Scandinavian hunk, so the sewage dweller is a great contrast to the reader’s expectations. Superb description of the underground world. Initially, I felt sorry for him…

“The eye stared back.” That is a brilliant turning point, immediately chilling. And from there on the we the story unfold in a way that we anticipate with dread. The timing of everything is just exactly right, there doesn’t seem to be a word too many. Very neat, very awful. Well done.
RandomLurker chapter 1 . 7/4/2015
So this is my second try at a respectful review!

From the beginning, I am hooked with Sven's description.

"Insectoid eyes", here I feel like this is more than a physical comparison. The eyes are the windows of the soul, and Sven is an insect, a parasite of society. Something dirty and disgusting. The fact that he calls the sewers his home only seems to affirm this.

"His thick boots plodded through all kinds of debris that perfused the sewage and through fragmented, almost insectoid eyes he stalked past bloated rats that seemed to feed on anything in their path and the strange luminescence of mushrooms which crawled up the sides of the glistening bricks."

I love this description. It's very detailed and reading it, I can imagine the scene vividly in my head.

"she was small, so delicate-
-and clasped her by the wrist, her smile disappearing as confusion clouded her eyes."

You built up the tension so throughly that the moment you delivered the promised horror element, it felt very intense and all the more horrifying.

In the end, I was left a little confused. Did the pieces of his victims truly come into life, mending with each other to execute their revenge or was this all just Sven's imagination? Was the twisted love he felt for his 'children' so strong that he succumbed so far in his madness?
RandomLurker chapter 1 . 7/4/2015
I enjoyed reading this. The description was very detailed and I was immediately immersed in the story. I could feel the deep twisted love that Sven felt towards all his 'children'. It was chilling.
LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 7/3/2015
I love the description of Sven you have in the beginning because it plays well in the story and shows how he is both deplorable on the inside and the outside. I also liked the way you showed his train of thought when killing people because it brought to the surface, an interesting prospect of his personality. I also believe the ending was beatuifully scary because it shows how he had lost his mind and becomes consumed by his creation. All and all a great story.
m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 6/28/2015
Love the way you describe Sven:
“More of a mole than a man, Sven wore a heavy overcoat over his stooped body and gas mask to keep out the stench of the underground.”
This tells me so much not only about Sven and who he is but the setting. Seems really apocalyptic from the start. Wow. Very intense.

This is great!:
“through fragmented, almost insectoid eyes he stalked past bloated rats”
Wondering if he is part insect or if he’s using insect-inspired technology…

“This was his home, and as he navigated the serpentine tunnels with uncanny precision he thought he could hear a faint giggle from somewhere.”
Love the giggle. Great way to build suspense and intrigue – Who could be giggling in a world like this? You might consider breaking up the one sentence into two just because the last part punches so hard… it’s really good as is though!

Love the contrast between the artificial sounding ‘neon’ iris with the organic visceral ’conjunctiva’ here:
“Sharp conjunctiva snaked across the white of the eye like angry etch marks, ending at the back where a thin nub of the optic cord still clung to its surface.”

Wonderful, dreamy yet edgy description of Lucy here:
“She reached into her basket and pulled out a blue rose, its petals a reflection of her crystal eyes. With a trembling hand he reached out towards her, she was so small, so delicate -“
Poetic and trippy and fairytale-like. :D

Wow. This is brutal… totally works for your story:
“When he forced his thumb and index finger into her orbital cavity she screamed loud enough to shatter her own vocal cords, her last breaths escaping her throat in a strangled rasp like the keening of some dying animal.”
Now we know what sort of monster Sven is (but have yet to find out what kind of creature Lucy is…).

Great stuff this bit!:
“The eye stared back, and through the murky solution seemed to glow various shades of blue, azures and indigos refracting off of the solid glass.”

“Sven sank deeper and deeper through the rending and gnashing bones until he and the creature were one.”
So many things going on in that super intense, concentrated ending. I like how they were all his children and he merges with them (with her) in the end. The great thing about this story is the vast possible worlds it opens up. You could do so much with this. I’m wondering so many things, like how did Sven create this world… what events led to the destruction and malignant, beautiful diversity…?

Also, I’m getting why you used ‘Lucy’ for your title. ‘She’ is the first of her kind like our primate ancestor Lucy, right? ;)

Very cool, freaky, great!

vb,

mbw
Hedonistic Opportunist chapter 1 . 6/25/2015
I am pretty sure you have watched Akira at some point or the other :D. If you haven't, you should :P I have a feeling that you'd like it a lot XD.

To be honest, this story entertained me beyond belief: it's not just the descriptive writing, it's the way you manage to combine horror/gore in this very sarcastic, dark comedy way that's so much fun to read, because of the unique tone you engage. Why unique? I get the feeling that you do comment on serial killers here, but without being too bleak, too condemning, instead you dip into this deranged man's thoughts, without attempting to make him sympathetic or even someone to admire (there's no real traceable motive to his actions and so forth). Still, you don't just present him as a brainless killer either; you get the idea that he kills, because of his yearning/lusting after beauty; I like the idea of him being a collector of various 'jewels' and 'gems' that he picks up, because it's something that gives him pleasure. It's not a unique idea, but I like it, because of how it later all flows together into this creature that he wishes to become with (as it represents the entirety of his work, of his life purpose, and he finds complete fulfillment in becoming one with all these things he loves so much).

I especially like that you centre this story around The Eye, which not only functions as the highlight of his work, but is the driving force that puts the creature together towards the end. It's a great idea, because it works greatly as a symbol of the man's deranged nature and can also be interpreted in many ways (the Eye representing the man's final punishment, the ghost of the girl returned to seek revenge on the man who had killer her and so forth). To be honest, I'm not sure that it's clear what I'm driving at, but another thing I like about this story is how you can really read it in many ways: it's very symbolical, with fantastic imagery that provides one with ideas that could stand for one thing or the other; I like that, because it means that this piece isn't just a simple thing that you can brush off after one reading. No, it's something that you want to come back to investigate after several readings. I could be reading far too much into it, but there's a lot of fun in trying to make sense out of this piece :P

One of my favourite aspects about this story is the highly visual and descriptive writing style. It's not only how you describe your surroundings, but it's how much love and obvious glee (:D!) you poured into the description of the Creature: you didn't only convey the character's love and affection for his work, but managed to make the grotesque creature appear nearly beautiful because of your details. It's interesting (and I really like that) how the ending is a happy one, despite the content; you just manage to make the man's happiness and peace he finds at being consumed in a manner like this come across so very well. It's (also) a unique ending to a very unique story, I think.
Ventracere chapter 1 . 6/24/2015
I feel like all my reviews for you always start the same way, ahah. Anywho. I don't know, I had to read this twice through to make sure I got it correctly. I'm glad that Sven got what came for him. He's one of those more rancid characters that I can't stand. Anywho, that goes to say your characterization was on point, Sven is a character that made me disgusted, and rather convinced that he deserved what he got.

Another thing I liked is the descriptions of the "creature" that the eye created. That was grotesque, but it fit the nature of the genre. Your descriptions weren't too little that it left me wondering what was going on. It was enough so that I was grossed out (in a good way) and wasn't left out. The way you presented it also gave a surreal quality to the piece, similar to how Sven was feeling - though without the pride, haha.

Thanks for the read!
Jalux chapter 1 . 6/23/2015
I liked the opening, the line of more mole then man suggests an interesting past and a very unique character which we do get. I think it works well for drawing the reader in. I also think it's an interesting world you've crafted, there just seems to be a lot of mystery hidden in it and more stories that could be told. The ending was expected for me given I've read a couple of your works, it's not bad and it's certainly fits with his character. Still I almost want something less tragic sometimes...
Cheddar-Graham chapter 1 . 6/23/2015
RG EF

Wow, that was a great read! To quote the Black Eyed Peas, it was Boom Boom Pow all the way, haha...

Okay, so I like your descriptions. They're very Gothic in spite of the futuristic setting. Particularly loved the bit with the thousand arms and the thousand voices. It made me think of a grand finale from an opera somehow.

I like the MC too. He's like the Phantom of the Opera mixed with Jack the Ripper, kind of. That description of him as a mole was somehow endearing, though his penchant for instant removal of body parts is of course creepy to the max. I think he fits perfectly into the crazy ruined world that you're got there.