|Reviews for Finding Family|
| v-n-ll-y chapter 2 . 3/4/2016
I know it's been a while since you've worked on this, so I'll shove technical stuff at the end and comment on the overall content first.
Pacing is good so far, considering this is just the second chapter. The main parts are all par for the course for the introductory phases of the story, where the characters are just starting to become acquainted, while also getting vague glimpses of whatever evil it is they'll inevitably be facing. So in that respect, I think this chapter is perfectly fine. I don't really think I have more to comment on Neon, since he basically makes the same impression as he did in the previous chapter. I suppose at least he's consistently weird? Anyway, the story is moving along well so far.
Obvious stylistic difference aside, I'm admittedly not sure how I feel about how Raven and Karasu appear here. I wouldn't say that I dislike it, and obviously each author has a different understanding of another's characters compared to how well they understand their own, but something just feels slightly off to me. Feel free to discuss if it'll help. To your credit though, I doubt the fact that the other author hasn't written much of their story has helped much.
Maybe a little bit of proofreading would help? (Not that I should be commenting on proofreading.) I noticed a few typos here and there, although I would say there are fewer than I remember from reading previous chapters/stories, and less glaring. The extra polish wouldn't hurt though. (I'd be more specific, but copy/pasting isn't a thing anymore... and there are a lot of words to read through.)
Also, I'm not normally one to fuss about formatting, and this is just a personal preference, but I think double spacing your paragraphs might help readability a bit. Even though the length would be exactly the same, the current single spaced layout just looks like a huge wall of text, which may be deterring to someone who's taking a tentative look at the story. If I see something that looks too cluttered as well as lengthy, it'll feel like a bit of a chore to read through. Basically, presentation matters. But if it works better for you, feel free to keep it as is.
I don't really know that my reviews are very helpful anymore since I barely write myself these days. Usually I try to point things out if they're things I'm personally conscious of trying to do or avoid. Hopefully it's somewhat useful. Probably not. Good luck with your writing.
| Red-Eyed-Raven93 chapter 1 . 8/22/2015
You know what Neon Charge lacks? An origin story! Seriously, this guy is just so intriguing and complicated that I am now curious why he acts the way he does. That will be a very interesting story to read.
| v-n-ll-y chapter 1 . 7/7/2015
Glad to see you finally getting this started. Seems like working on it was pretty rough.
I think you're off to a good start. The pacing is pretty good here to start things off, and there's still plenty of content introduced to address as the story progresses. I like the general action here and the description of these bird-people enemies. It's also a good introduction to Neon's character as someone who acts pretty flippantly for the most part but gets serious when his buttons are pushed. Or at least that's the impression I get.
A few points to be taken with a grain of salt since I've been away from writing for a while myself.
There are some exceptions, but overall it's kind of hard (for me personally) to visualise some of these scenes due to the lack of visual/location cues. I get the general sense of environment, but the more specific parts are harder to picture. For example, when Neon flies back out of the building. He looks around and sees one of the bird people with a bow and arrow, but it's hard to tell whether he sees this right away or after a bit of scanning (ie. how far away they are). It's also hard to tell where Raven is in relation to Neon or the environment at that particular time. That's probably the most glaring issue for me.
I think there are a few spots where parts of the wording could be tidied to be more succinct without losing meaning. e.g. Towards the start [The man wore a strange, body covering suit]. You could probably skip the 'body covering' part (since that's the function of most clothes) and perhaps instead of mentioning it's strange, go straight into describing what aspect makes it strange (the glowing lines etc).
There are other minor things like punctuation (e.g. its/it's, which I tend to ignore since I've mentioned it before) but those can usually be combed out with thorough proofreading. Though I understand that can be a drag since personally that's also the step I skip the most.
Overall I think this is pretty decent so far. The issues I mentioned are more of a situational thing and don't really affect the cohesion of the story's plot direction, which is conveyed quite clearly in my opinion. Good work and I wish you luck working on the rest of it.