|Reviews for Colony Pollux|
| solacing chapter 5 . 8/27/2015
Great story. I found it really easy to immerse myself in the setting, and I felt your characters were strong. It wasn't a very long story, but it was definitely enjoyable. :) Great job!
| solacing chapter 2 . 8/26/2015
Really interesting story so far! Looking forward to reading the rest of it :)
| LDF chapter 1 . 8/3/2015
[The boy to my left had long blonde hair]
Try to use ‘blond’ rather than ‘blonde’, as the former is the more accepted form of spelling.
["Hey, check that out," he chuckled,]
‘Chuckled’ isn’t a speech verb. You can instead write it as: “Hey, check that out.” he said, chuckling, or: “Hey, check that out.” He chuckled.
[The only one who seemed to be enjoying himself was the floating hippie boy.]
What exactly makes this boy a hippie? Because he’s cheerful and has long hair? So far, he seems the most expressive, with everyone (save for the crying boy) seemingly okay with their voyage. I can’t tell if it’s because they’ve been in pods under zero gravity before or they all keep their emotions below.
[The acne-ridden face of our prison warden showed up. "By now, some of you should have figured out where you're going," he slurred around a slimy tongue. His fat greasy lips smacked together as he spoke, reminding me of sausages that my uncle used to make.]
By the warden’s description alone, I can tell that he’s the bad guy.
[Idiots couldn't figure out on their own that we were going somewhere unpleasant. We were all herded onto a ship and taken on a two month cruise in solitary confinement. Obviously, they were taking us somewhere far away. And obviously it wasn't going to be pleasant.]
How does the narrator know this? Mostly everyone probably assumed they’d be taken to a prison, as they’re prisoners, and not just dumped on a hostile planet. They have a right to be surprised and angry.
[One of them threw a shoe at one of the screens, cracking it in the middle.]
How is that possible in zero gravity?
[The whole time, I was just trying to figure out what to do when we landed. Being sentenced to life on a barren rock didn't surprise me all that much really.]
It should. Having a protagonist that struggles to adapt to new situations is far believable and refreshing to read about than one that Just Knows how things are and is smarter than everyone else.
[Normally, I would have just ignored him. However, I had just spent several months locked in a cell, talking to anyone was welcome. "Just wait until the parachute opens," I said, "that's gonna be a kick in the balls."]
The problem is that the narrator doesn’t sound like someone who craves attention. He judges people around him and says nothing. He should be the one chatting with Mikey from the beginning, not stay quiet until prompted.
[Then I would just have to get as far away from the other prisoners as I could. I had barely spoken to any of them, but I knew that they were untrustworthy. They were in here for stealing, assault, rape, murder, they were insane. If someone became a murderer when he was an adult, that would mean he was unstable. If he became a murderer when he was still a minor, who knew what kind of things he was capable of? But then, who was I to talk?]
This doesn’t make sense because Junior mentioned that they were all in transport for a few months before being launched towards Pollux. There’s no mention of all of them being put under solitary, so even if Junior had a cell all to himself, he would’ve been open to hearing and seeing other inmates. He would know which ones to avoid and which ones to stay close to. Having him generalize people in a wide sweep by saying they’re all insane without seeing it for myself (the reader) conflicts with the issue of the main character just knowing everything beforehand, so there’s no real surprises or suspense.
| CommanderWaffles chapter 3 . 7/28/2015
Dude keep this story up its amazing so far!
| lightmanny chapter 1 . 7/10/2015
Well, that was quite the start... Midway through I figured this would have a 'Lord of the Flies' feel to it, but I'm not quite sure anymore with Junior gone. Either way I'm looking forward to how this unfolds and if we see some of these characters again, how they'll find their way back in the story