|Reviews for Equinox|
| Glasswillow chapter 1 . 7/18/2015
The name certainly fits this chapter.
Hey there! I enjoyed the read, and would appreciate it if you read my story and maybe left a review.
Phantasmagoria feels quite rushed (and I can tell because it's intermittent with various capitalization and grammatical slip-ups). It was really engaging in the beginning when it was just Carissa, and you gave enough time and thought for her to process the surroundings.
As soon as she met everyone, the rushed pace combined with poor grammar or bad paragraphing made everything confusing and disengaging. For example, Dahlia's entrance:
"Dahlia, dear? Where are you? Come meet Carissa." He called out, looking around the room. The ground shook slightly. "Ah, here she comes." "WHO CAUSES THE EARTH TO MOVE WHEN THEY WALK?! OH MY GOD?!" My eyes widened, I started to tremble. I felt panicky. The earth stopped shaking and the door burst open, a beautiful girl standing with a huge smile on her face.
That bit is a little hard to read and understand at first glance, because it's just a string of words and images and nothing's placed correctly or formed coherently. Reading it twice over I get it, but I shouldn't have to read it twice.
I have some advice for improvement - slow way down, and maybe break up this first chapter, create a less confusing stage to introduce this group. Not all crowded on the front porch where they just say what they like all at once. Maybe have her meet one person there, Alex, and if everyone else starts to show up, she'd freak out and try to run. I certainly would. Then the group could reconsider their approach and maybe send one person to talk to her and explain what's going on. Just a thought. The point is, I'd like a less confusing platform to meet these people, more space to see them, so to speak.
The overall concept is quite promising, if overused. The group of youths who all get special powers at a certain age isn't new. You gave the main character distinction though, reason for the reader to follow her development. She has strong, believable reactions, a hint of interesting history with her father, a mysterious ring and an appealing determination to figure out what's going on. I like Carissa, but the others I think need a lot more space and better introductions.
I get the sense that Derrick and Chase are going to be the "bad boy" and "good boy" in a triangle romance with her, which is REALLY old, but again, there's always room to give these two guys more distinction than that. Have them be more than just a couple of pretty faces.
That's all I have to say so far. Keep writing and have a lovely day!
PS: If you leave feedback for my story, I'd be glad to read the second chapter.