|Reviews for And Found|
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 3/13/2016
Great short story! I am particularly impressed with the quality of the writing in this. I loved the opening scene, it hooked me in straight away, and the writing there was beautiful. It was great to see a sharp contrast between the serene, romantic image of the mermaid at the beginning and the horrific one at the end. Altogether created a chilling piece!
I also thought the dialogue was excellent. Straight away you established the relationship between the characters, and a little of their personalities also, for example that Vanessa is a bit of a worrier. It also all felt natural and was succinct.
My favourite part has to be the final line. Again, chilling, and also very clever. I would have loved to have read more through the thoughts of the mermaid. Perhaps that could be another idea for a short story? A piece set through her eyes, or through third person limited, centred on her? I think perhaps I would have found that more interesting than seeing the scene through general third person, mainly Vanessa (who gave quite a pedestrian view of what was happening, rather than throwing us right in the deep. Look, a pun!). Also, I wasn't sure about the perspective you used. It does drift around from character to character. This is fine, technically speaking, but I have seen in a lot of writing guides that agents prefer a story to be 'grounded' meaning set solely around one character. So, she did this, she thought this, she couldn't see what was happening. The reason for this is that it gives the story an anchor, rather than letting it wander about wherever, which can be seen by some as confusing, distracting or even lazy (an easy way to show multiple things happening at once). Just something to think about! :) if you do consider grounding, perhaps even seeing the story through the mermaid's eyes would be the most interesting and unique thing to do (perhaps she has sensitive hearing and so can hear them talking on the beach). Would definitely be interesting to see how evil she really is!
Oh, I had a minor comment also, and that was that I would have liked a bit more clarity as to what Vanessa was doing when the man was being attacked. What exactly happened there? Did she go in after him? I think, realistically, she would have either gone for help or started screaming for help, especially because she knew what that thing was. I also would have liked information about how Vanessa dreamt that. Perhaps a line in there, saying something like, "From a young age, Vanessa had dreams that reflected the future" or something like that.
Thanks for the read!
| Virtuella chapter 1 . 9/26/2015
Ah, the mean mermaid!
I like it that you have this attractive man in love with a less attractive woman, and it is a lovely irony that you gave her a bombshell name like Vanessa. While I applaud this gender-unstereotypical approach, I find it somewhat spoiled by the assertion that all women have “a sly, silken vanity.” :P
The opening paragraph is a nice nod at Botticelli and fits well with this story. I felt the prose was bordering on purple, especially “birthed forth” seemed a bit much. Otherwise, neat story!
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 9/11/2015
Every time, haha. Every time I read it, I know I should expect the ending, but I never do. Something I liked in this one was how you didn't have too much of an abrupt turn. You alluded to the mermaid in the beginning, how she was waiting to sing her siren's song, which was our clue. Another thing that I liked was the bounce between Vanessa/Eric and the mermaid. We were aware that the mermaid was always there and it was a bit tense, just waiting for her to strike. The unique thing was how you kind of set it up as it as a waiting game, not just for the mermaid but for your readers as well.
Just a note: you have "sombodies crying' - I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I think it should be "somebody's".
Thanks for the read!
| Sugarcane chapter 1 . 8/22/2015
I really like the way you use vocabulary to create a distinct atmosphere. And even though it was short you were able to create a true feeling of tension as things evolved. The interactions between the characters seemed realistic as well. The only problem for me was that the way they spoke (c'mon, hella) didn't really suit the rest of the piece. The start felt majestic and then those words, even if they are a realistic representation of how people talk, just killed the mood. The rest of the dialogue doesn't have that so it's not a big deal.
| LittleFieryOne chapter 1 . 8/19/2015
Nice piece of writing, here. I especially loved the descriptions you used to describe the setting; you did it in such a flowing and specific way. I could visualize it to a T and further. And for a basic mermaid-eats-man story, it kept me interested. Classic, let me say.
| JustAnotherNewbie chapter 1 . 8/19/2015
Reviewing for RG EF.
The opening line: birthed forth. I expect you're tired of hearing this, oops.
I enjoyed the storyline it didn't not go the way I expected at all. I thought he would fall in love with the mermaid at first sight - did not expect her to be a cannibal (half cannibal?). In just over 1000(?) words you managed to make me think this would be deep and then finally BAM, so I liked that.
I didn't like the change in language from formal in the descriptions to vernacular in the dialogue. The transition was jarring.
| m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 8/16/2015
RG EF #7,618
This is such a fun story. Love the end of summer hunger that the mermaid feels. It’s like her desire for the man is a desire to enjoy the last sweet fruit, or in her case, last succulent catch of the warm months before the chill of Autumn. Lots of great imagery and metaphor and iconic moments.
I especially like your description of the mermaid:
“Like a flash of lightning in the inverted blue sky she broke through the surface. She was ancient yet beautiful, the shimmering red coral hair, the sinuous, almost translucent upper body and a gloriously flowing caudal fin that glistened like fire under the sun.” A stark contrast with the ‘manatee’ like human woman Vanessa. ;)
The realistic dialogue between the human couple also contrasts with the language you use to portray the fantastic aquatic realm of the mermaid. You do a good job deftly developing your characters as well. Without giving Eric any lines where he says it I still sense his longing for something beyond the beach and the boring pop music and his relationship with Vanessa.
Using Vanessa’s dream works great too. I think it’s possible the mermaid sent her the dream, perhaps just to tease her, put salt in the wound of her loss of Eric (because she was going to lose him either to the mermaid or, as it turns out, to death).
Good technique to wait to reveal the mermaid’s piranha teeth until the end. Her last line was good too. Harsh!
Fun, freaky magical stuff!
| Jalux chapter 1 . 8/14/2015
I hate to be too picky but I feel like this was one of your pieces I didn't enjoy as much. Not to say it was bad really but maybe I kind of know what to expect at this stage, haha. That being said the dialogue in particular was nicely written and the way they talked did make you think they were very close. I suppose one thing I didn't like was the ending was so, so abrupt. There's literally a couple sentences between him getting snatched up and the end where she finds him. I get where you're coming from but I think it's so sudden the effect is almost lost?
Sorry for being harsh, I do think it's good but just a few kinks to work out.
| solacing chapter 1 . 8/12/2015
All right, I laughed really hard when you described Vanessa as a beached manatee. That was amazing.
Anyway, I noticed a few grammatical errors here and there, such as some of your dialogue missing commas where they should be! For example, "I know this is the last day of our vacation but" should be "vacation, but" and so on. But other than that, I liked it. I liked your description of the mermaid at the beginning; I think it would have been overdone if you were describing a human, but since you were describing an ancient, mythological creature, I think it actually worked quite well :D
Poor Vanessa though. XD And I loved the last line.
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 8/12/2015
I really liked the opening and the way you described everything because it allowed us to get a visual on what was happening and how it shows interesting indeed. I also like how Vanessa can see his death because it shows that she is different and makes her a more complex character too. I also really like how you ended this because it was such a dark and unexpected twist and shows how horrible the mermaid is. I loved this.
| alltheeagles chapter 1 . 8/11/2015
Opening: getting Boticceli Venus vibes, particular with the red hair. However the mention of the fin suggests she isn’t human, so that made me want to read on to find out. Heck even if she were actually Venus I’d still read on cause a story about Venus is interesting to me too!
Haha, Eric... loved that sly little reference to Ariel’s version of the fairytale. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that either of the two characters are well fleshed out. We can’t really draw any conclusions about their personalities from their actions or words.
The dialogue sounds natural and modern, which places the story squarely in contemporary times. For me that’s an added layer of interest – mermaids in this day and age? How enchanting! Or maybe enchanting is not the word considering what happened to Eric, but anyway loved the pop of fantasy in a mundane Muggle world.
Ending: your usual twist kicks in. Not the most spectacular I’ve seen from you, but still interesting enough to make me smile. Yeah, who says all mermaids are nice? I think if at the start you’d played up her beauty and maybe injected a sense of longing or loneliness or whatever, that would have made the twist even stronger – it’d make people interpret it as a love story maybe and not a predator and prey type tale.
Typo: birthed FORTH; Somebody’S crying