|Reviews for The Logic of Permanence: Alea's Path|
| wakeupjess chapter 4 . 10/3/2015
"You don't sound too excited about being here…" improper spacing of ellipsis.
"his white hair tumbling into his eyes. He blinked them away" reads awkwardly.
"her plate down and wiped the back of her mouth with her hand" might want to fix that.
"Plus they're not so heavy and bulky to carry" but that's not true. Crossbows are much more cumbersome than a regular bow.
"a pair of warm fuzzy socks" needs a comma.
"her inner germ-a-phobe won out" germaphobe is one word.
Pretty good chapter. Just enough suspense at the end to give the reader a desire to continue.
| wakeupjess chapter 3 . 9/16/2015
"The horses kicked up a cloud of dust when they alighted from the carriages" so the horses alighted from the carriages? Because that's what you're saying.
"causing Alea to double over coughing and a couple of boys to snicker" The boys are snickering because the horses kicked up dust? Because that's how it reads.
"to the dining hall for a late supper and afterwards adjoin for a meeting" Should be adjourn not adjoin.
"His unkept raven black hair fell" needs a comma.
"her thick dark french braid flying in the air" needs a comma.
""Um…I'm not sure if I do" improper use of ellipsis.
Pretty good chapter. Introduction of some new characters who seems like they'll be important later on. I don't get why you said it was boring.
| Echoed Song chapter 1 . 9/11/2015
Nice start. I like how you kept replacing her thoughts about Catarina's nickname. Please give Alea a romance named Toric! Their ship name will then be...AleaToric! :D
| wakeupjess chapter 1 . 9/8/2015
"but she was sure they'd dock soon...or at least she hoped so" Improper use ellipsis.
"Alea and the others who had been below deck stumbled out" 'Others' is implied to mean the those with Alea. Because she was below deck it's assumed they 'others' were as well; 'who had been below deck' is redundant.
"the sun looked like it still had a couple hours in it before it would start to set" suggests it's the afternoon. "Shadows were becoming lengthy" suggests evening. It's unclear exactly what time of day it really is.
"She found her escorts who were holding up a sign that said "The Academy," and the first thing they said to one another when they saw her coming towards them in the prescribed black uniform was "they really are getting younger ever year, aren't they?"" Awkward sentence. Consider breaking up into smaller sentences.
"The escort clucked her tongue" are you still talking about the taller escort? If not you need to make it clear they are two different people.
"come by train or carriage to The Academy, but she guessed that the academy"; "we want to arrive at the academy in time for supper" Inconsistency. Is 'the academy' capitalised or not?
"Catarina pursued her lips." Do you mean pursed lips?
"section of slingers and brawlers in the Pirate department" Department should be capitalised.
"And Pirates aren't necessarily" Inconsistency. The other uses of 'pirate' weren't capitalised. Each major job branch is consistently capitalised.
Overall a good chapter. Just enough lack of information to draw a reader in.