A great addition to the review game.

While this chapter was a whirlwind of action, I felt as if the actual writing left much to be desired as far as delivering suspenseful and memorable descriptions to the action. There just didn't seem to be enough adversity to the writing, how Kirder was able to progress through the tournament basically unscathed takes away the impact of what he went through and ultimately what he achieved. Not to say that the writing was bad by any means but I just think that having a more dynamic prose to the action would have definitely spiced up the fighting and made for a more enjoyable read to actually see him fight as if it were an actual challenge.

The characters you introduced in the tournament were nicely written and versatile, from the female Mage to the pirate, I liked them because they all fit very nicely in your world as they harken back to various mythos I'm sure you were inspired by. In all it was a good chapter that would really shine if more time were taken to build suspense and adversity through the action.

Very readable and engaging, with a story that flows right along. I enjoy your word choice - you have a knack for painting vivid imagery with a few succinct phrases. The characters were interesting as well, and I definitely got the sense that there was more than meets the eye with them. I would disagree with one of the other comments about your dialogue, because I rather liked the archaic style of their speech. It felt to me like it was intentionally old-fashioned, and added a nice flavor to the setting.

In terms of syntax, you seem to favor simple declaratives - nothing wrong with that, especially because short sentences can often pack the most punch. But I would suggest shaking up the sentence structures now and then, so that it doesn't become too choppy/monotone. For example, in the first paragraph, every sentence is the same simple structure, whereas if you sneak a long and more flowing sentence now and then, you'd introduce more variety and it would read easier (and make shorter sentences stand out more when they do come).

I understand the protagonist is attracted to his rival, which was an enjoyable thing to slowly discover throughout the story. There was a moment in the chapter that seemed a bit too blatant to me - when he's referencing the other man's rear and says that his "manhood stiffens." Up until that point, there was plausible ambiguity, and I kind of enjoyed the subtlety of that.

"The exertions of the evening had clearly told on him."
Think you meant tolled, or had a toll?

I actually am kind of regretful that I missed reading this earlier: RL got way too busy. This is, first off, a very entertaining and intriguing story, with elements to it that I have always enjoyed: there is a dash of conspiracy, a hint of romance and above all, a rivalry.

Obviously, I am hoping that two boys will get over their rivalry and embrace the more obvious tension in their relationship (Kinder is definitely enamoured, and I think that Horstman just needs to see Kinder in a different light). Those are silly musings, of course, but it does show how entertained I am already by what you have been sharing here with us :D I think what makes this story entertaining is the fact that you write very lightly – your style is descriptive, but it is not overbearing and what I like about it, it is not too stylised either. I think that some might say that it could be more refined, and I think that you will do this upon later edits, but I still believe that this is well-written. Moreover, I think the story has a good flow, and the descriptions are very visual: there is a certain lightness to them, which helps set a certain mood. I would say it is a light mood for now, but this might change depending on how the plot goes.

I like the characters already. Kinder is entertaining in the way he is both enthralled and disgusted by Horstman – I definitely like how unabashed he is when it comes to his crush. I always enjoy characters who are unashamed of their sexuality. Hehe, the little hint about Kinder's fling with this one man was fun :D :D (the description of the well, genitalia covered in green was very memorable). I enjoy Horstman too already: he is spoiled, but he also seems gorgeous, and maybe he will get better (I hope so; I think for now his only crime is that of being petty and just far too keen to be the best at everything). Cassie herself seems awesome – mischievous and mysterious both.

I do wonder what she is scheming here: does she want to watch the two boys' rivalry grow more pronounced? Or has she got an entirely different agenda on her mind? I don't know but I am eager to find out :D :D

This was a very exciting chapter! I'd read the first two a while back so I started here, even if I don't quite remember everything. Like why he entered the tournament or why Cassie told him so much information about his opponents beforehand - isn't that cheating? Oh well.

One thing I really like is the tone of your writing. The magical environment, it's very fairy-tale and adventurous and colourful and one of the reasons I found it exciting. I especially liked the challenge against the mage woman Wilhelmijn Seeveld, I like how you explored magic and I like the mystery of the fear spell which made her forfeit. It sets up a good future plot device. Plus the descriptiveness of the grotesque Laphowurm made me almost cringe.

Usually when a chapter is fragmented like this in so many parts I think it'd be jarring, but instead I liked it. Breaking it apart made it easier for me to read as it wasn't just this continuous page of Kirder progressing through his tournament. There were segments going step by step as he advanced until victory. So good job with how you chose to set up the chapter.

I'm trying to think of some advice I can give you but can't come up with anything now. Good job!

One thing I like about this is it seems like Kirder has a thing for Horstman and is masking it with hate. Glancing it over once it was like, hey he's coming on a little strong with the hate on this guy, then reading it carefully I saw the mentions of his perfect face and all the attention to his appearance as more romantically obsessive than a hatred or jealousy thing. So if that was your intention it was handled very well, I think! I noticed some people in past reviews commenting on Kirder's obsession and wondered if you had made some changes because I think if that's the direction it's okay.

I do agree with Potter that the relationship pacing between Cassie and Kirder feels a little off. I was wondering if she'd put him under some spell/trance to make him instantly take to her, in fact, it felt so quick. And with her mention of it being her real skin color...was she reading his mind? Very interesting if so.

So yes, I gather Cassie is planning something between Kirder and Horstman. I do wonder about why she's doing this? If she just thinks it's entertaining, like the end suggests. It may be interesting to begin somewhere a bit earlier in this story, so we get a better sense of what Cassie is up to and the relationship between the two rivals. That sort of depends on where you're going with this, though, haha.

I thought the tone of the writing was kind of interesting and a mix of formality with humor. I think it fits the story pretty well. And I do enjoy your descriptive phrases, the language was pretty vivid in that regard.

Hi! I really liked this!

First, I liked how even in the first, paragraph, you can already see what Kirder is feeling. He seems vengeful, ready, there is so much emotion in the first paragraph itself. It's really grabbing my attention. Good job.

One thing that bothered me was the way that many people are referred to as "the green girl" "the blonde girl" at first. This seems kind of distracting. Maybe something like "the girl said, and Kirder noticed that her skin was green" or something. You know what I mean?

The end was good! the only thing I noticed was that "through yet another peephole in a different passage, Cassie watched in avid anticipation" I don't think you really need this - when that passage comes, i can see thatr for myself. You know? I don't think you need that here.

Good job! I really liked it. :)

-Toto

Hello,
You have a very firmly established sense of scene and your details are sensorily chosen. Of note is the amount of attention paid to colour-nearly everything is tailed with colour. The affect if visualised is startling and very affective when it is applied properly. This is very thoroughly done.

I will start my criticism with your dialogue. I'm sorry to say, but this is not your strong suit. It is campy, overblown, B-movie material dialogue. That being said, considering that your novel is fantasy, I understand that there is a kind of allowance for this thing-Tolkien himself suffered dialogue problems. Okay. But that being said, I submit to you this: read each line of dialogue out loud, normally the first time; the second time, in proper style. If it sounds natural to you, keep it. If not, ex it. I understand you are aiming for drama in your dialogue, but unfortunately, conjuring drama solely from words is very difficult. Better to rely upon your scenes for your drama, and your dialogue for a kind of residual commentary. Thus, Horstman's humiliation, and then a very brief altercation in which a few words are raised. Nothing more.

Each chapter of a novel should follow a kind of narrative arc in which there is rising action, climax, and falling action as the main components. As with the work of many, you take an awful lot of time to get to the climax, which is the confrontation between Kirder and Horstman: nearly three quarters of the chapter is 'rising action', or rather, scene and description. Most of this description can be cut and the details of the Harvest Musical Festival told in backstory, rather than fleshed out as scene. That way, you will have space to more closely examine the relationship between Cassie and Kirder.

Remember: when you flesh scenes out, make sure they are scenes that are most ripe for dramatic potential. Shakespeare chooses not to flesh out his battle scenes not only because they were difficult to stage but because after awhile, battles are tedious. He saves his words for dramatic deaths.

I also submit to you an error in the social paradigms of this story: Cassie is bourgeoise, and therefore out of Kirder's league as an orphan (although they strike up a troublingly quick friendship, for being strangers). However, Kirder is essentially the godson of the Moon Goddess herself, to whom this whole celebration is dedicated. Orphans be damned, if a goddess selects you out for something, you must be special. I do not understand why he is treated so poorly.
for posting
Thank you

Hello!

I liked this chapter. I liked the idea of the memory, and the message Cassie was trying to get through to Kirder from this. And wow, your descriptions in this were great, like the line, "flushed delicately pink, a foxglove hue." That was a really magical line!

And, of course, I loved the humour in this. You tackle it really well, and you hit some high points with this, so I think you should just keep up what you are doing; it's working wonderfully. "Coming." Ha! That made me smile. Probably the best innuendo I've seen from you so far :p You couldn't have picked a better word there if you tried :p Perfect!

The scene with the Sschlangg was also well done. I'm just thinking maybe there should be more to him than this evil, powerful creature? Just so it isn't so good versus evil (little overused). But if that's what you were going for, then that's fine :) Works well.

I only have one concrit, and that's that you first call it "Astral Plain" and then start calling it "Astral Plane" later down. Are these two separate places or is it a spelling issue? And also, maybe you should invent your own astral plain thing. It just would make more sense, as everything else in this story is your own creation, so it would just make more sense to have your own type of astral realm rather than just using the normal Astral Plain (which is overused, I think, especially in horror films). Astral Dimension? Other Realm? Something to that effect :) Would definitely add even more originality.

Thanks for the read and keep writing!

Alrighty! First of all, I want to say that I found this story to be very intriguing— I liked how you wove in the supernatural elements of this world so seamlessly and in a way that didn’t require much explanation. The characters were also written nicely; I have a good sense of each one, and their looks, personality, etc.

However, I do have a few questions:
First, why is Kirder so obsessed with Horstman? I understand that they're rivals but he seems to harbor some sort of attraction to him (unless I just overanalyzed that).
Why do Kirder and Cassie become so chummy right away? They just met each otter and they’re already acting like they’re old friends. Perhaps you could reel that in a bit.

Otherwise, good job! I’m excited to see what happens next.

Opening - If you're going for laughs, you got a laugh from me with the double entendres in the opening paragraph. I hope that's supposed to be a joke at slash and stuff. It's clever! Hopefully, it was meant to be a funny metaphor with everything. I think if it isn't supposed to evoke a smile from the reader and more serious, perhaps consider re-wording. But I'm pretty positive the intention was a bit of a joke and I'm all for that :) Although technically I think if the door squeaks it does need "lubrication" but then you lose the line! Otherwise - I was intrigued that magic has to do with being "manly" in this world. There's a lot of gender politics going on - I noticed last chapter that Kirder refers to his prick as his "manhood," for instance. He's wrapped up in that, and that line questioning Horstman's manliness fit nicely!

Scene/Pacing - I think you could make use of scene breaks in this. The pacing from the scene with Kirder and Horstman in the beginning transitions rather hastily through a paragraph describing Kirder going to sleep - why don't you just scene break there and begin at breakfast? I don't know if you'll really lose anything. It could also even out your pacing so it isn't as fast. Actually, the breakfast scene with Cassie interrupting could maybe be cut entirely. Just re-enter a next scene with him already there, then backtrack with a few sentences of exposition describing breakfast when she came calling if you really wanted to. Might be a way to consolidate without using transitions that are transparent.

Relationships - I agree with a recent reviewer on Ch. 1/2 that I'd like more inner thought or dimension to why Cassie and Kirder are so drawn to one another. You give dialogue, you give setup, but there's lack of inner thought or explanation about who thinks what of who. I think the story is being told from a limited third of Kirder, so what does he think about Cassie beyond what he tells Horstman in dialogue? We also don't get a lot of time to be "shown" the relationship between Tek and Cassie. It's just told to us, then it's there. Tek's appearance happens quite conveniently. Even though Cassie remarks on how Tek can appear at any time, it still made Tek's appearance a narratively transparent.

Enjoyment - I think my favorite thing about this second chapter is that we get to learn more about the magic. Though I'm a little confused why Kirder knows nothing about magic, but when Horstman uses it, he seems to know about stamina and how it's used... he even equates it to manliness, yet it's Cassie who seems to command it just fine. So it's an art that can be for both women and men. It involves orbs... perhaps incantation. Do you have to train with a master, exactly, to learn magic? Is it revered or is it viewed with suspicion? Anyway, it was cool to see - I can't think of anything else that approaches it with a sphere-like angle as far as visuals, so I really enjoyed the inventiveness there! The backstory with "demon" language is interesting - do they have Christianity in this? If they speak of demons, are there angels? What is the religion like? There's the Moon goddess, but are there other gods or goddesses? Heh, Sschlangg kinda reminded me of a double entendre for "Schlong" - but I'm totally intrigued! Liking Cassie's strength more now - I wish we could've /seen/ her strength, it's a shame she drops from the tournament and we're only told about it! Perhaps I will get to see more soon :)

["I do," said Kirder shrugging.] The paragraph after this was confusing - I think it's missing a quotation.

Okay so... I'm assuming this story is taking place in a completely separate realm from the hybrids and science in the other story - or are we supposed to take this as being the same, because of Cassie having green skin? I was taking it as a separate world, hope that's right. Especially because there's a magic system alluded to. But it's so vague... if this is a Fantasy novel, I think I'd like more setup with the society and the magic system and the world. It feels so generic right now and like we've just been plopped into the middle of it - which is kind of fine, but I have little understanding of the rules of magic.

I'm confused about the relationship between Horstman and Kirder. I don't think I like Kirder very much, honestly. He seems totally obsessive in an unhealthy way over Horstman, and since we know /nothing/ about Horstman and have never seen or been shown anything about him up until this point, I find myself wondering if Horstman is really as bad and terrible as Kirder actually thinks he is, or if Kirder is just obsessive over him and for some reason such a mean bully that he even stalks Horstman around? I mean, we never actually see Horstman do anything bad, lol. He just leaves after losing a competition (I kind of felt sorry for him) and then he's followed and bullied by Kirder and Cassie by the lake. Then he leaves... I don't know. Perhaps the pacing of this is just too fast on an emotional level that I'm not totally absorbing by Horstman is so disdained by Kirder. Of course, there seems to be another physiological factor going on: Kirder is in love with Horstman and lusting after him, but he's denying his interest on that level (maybe? though he does reference rather plainly that he is attracted to Hrostman) and it's making Kirder bully or think meanly of Horstman just because he's in denial about his interest.

Overall, I think maybe if you wanted to portray that Horstman is actually such a bully to Kirder, you could re-enter the story with Horstman having said or done something to insult or dig at Kirder's position, even if it was just a high society comment that's said after Kirder's amazing performance - having Horstman flee the evening after Kirder's performance makes him instead come off quite vulnerable. Actions aren't matching reputation built up in Kirder's narrative - not to me, anyway.

Emotional pacing with the relationship between Cassie and Kirder also happens very quickly. You have an entire novel, it seems (?) to fill out the characters all getting to know each other, and plenty of time to depict their rivalries and their trust, so I think you could stand to reign it back just a tad as you work in world building of this fantasy space and more information about the society and how it functions.

I liked the ending! It's clear that Cassie has played them both to pit them against each other. I'm guessing she's playing on knowing Kirder is attracted sexually to Horstman and the two may have a romp that she watches? lol That setup worked well - there's a lot of double meaning going on with the "coming to climax" - so in that vein I do stand by (given my concrit) the stance of needing a little more foreplay of before the main event, so to speak, haha. It was a playful last bit, though.

Firstly, I just wanted to say I love your vivid descriptions and your extensive use of vocabulary. Definitely learned a few words from reading this chapter. :)

One little error: "he stormed out of the back door." H should be capitalized. Same with "my skin is livid green."

This is interesting. I liked how you made the basis of their relationship based off of rivalry over who can outperform each other. I'm guessing that Cassandra is there to serve as some sort of the neutral person between the two?

Awesome start!

-MM

For the review game:

I like how descriptive your writing is. It really draws the reader in and sets up the setting really well. (I know that line didn't read to well, but you get my meaning). Your descriptive writing also lay the groundwork for the world we are in. You have a real talent, and it added to my enjoyment of the story. You have a talent for it.

However, I disliked the pacing. This is chapter one of the story, but given the pace at which this chapter moved, I felt as if I have dropped into chapter two or three. Everything is moving so fast. I know I said in what I liked that you laid the groundwork for the world nicely, but the pacing distracted from that. I feel as if you could have slowed it a little and give more detail about the culture and characters involved, as I didn't feel any connect with them.

Hello!

Nice chapter, the highlight of which, for me, is definitely the ending, when we learn more about the scchlang. That was a great ending and certainly made me want to read more, with the perfect final line. You write endings really well, actually - all of them, so far, have been engaging. I should take tips from you about this - I really struggle with it.

"Complimented his lush hair and reflected his eyes," and "whether tighter trousers would suit him better." This is great. Subtle and not distracting from the piece, but is also effective in conveying his sexuality. I also enjoyed the line later down about his "pearly teeth," which was strong in conveying this also.

"Seething mist pressed in on me from both sides, like a spectral army." Wow! I love this line. Very descriptive and enabled me to visualise the scene. It's great that you embed these lines into your work, without them feeling forced or distracting. It all flows nicely.

"A great shadow is a great ill omen." Another lovely line and I am fascinated by the mages and am looking forward to reading more about them.

"Steely composure she had claimed." This was an unusual and interesting piece of description, and I like that it is followed by the lines "Could actually weather it well." Not only is this great writing, it also stays true to the language of piece, which is very fitting with the setting of the piece. You never use any language that would be out of place in the world, in other words, so great job with that, because I know that can be difficult.

I didn't see any problems with this chapter, other than the word 'years' in quite a few places very close together, such as, "Tears came," then, "shining tears," then "shimmered with her tears." Other than that, this was a smooth chapter. Keep writing!