This is the longest chapter I've seen on FictionPress in awhile. I'm not complaining, though! You definitely understand how to write, that's not even an issue. You have a few punctuation mistakes (all of them around your dialogue. I'd just scan through it and fix the things you notice). Other than that, your structure is pretty solid, you're descriptions are good, and your dialogue sounds pretty believable, which helps us get more involved with the characters and the story. It's a solid work so far. I'll be back to check out the other chapters you've posted as soon as I can. Keep it up!