|Reviews for American Waltz|
| Mc D chapter 10 . 12/11/2019
I happened to check an old email address of mine and a notification for this chapter popped up. I'd forgotten all about this, so I went back and did some catching up. That said, I'll skip over the usual grammatical critiques because at this rate, it's akin to beating a dead horse.
Whatever you're trying to accomplish with this story, I'm not sure. I like having positives to go with negatives... but I really can't think of any. I'm gonna be as nice as I can here.
Good lord this Kevin guy is the poster child off a millennial stereotype. Arrogant, entitled, narcissistic, spoiled, and every line he speaks is somehow more cringey than the last. He sounds like an obsessive stalker; the Facebook plug is a like throwing in a bonus. Surprised there's not an entire chapter of him skimming through social media to creep on women or check if he lost one of his two thousand closest (not really) friends.
He's judgmental of other people, his family included, when he himself is the biggest loser and has absolutely no room to judge others. What makes him think he can look down on his family when he himself has done accomplished nothing? It's hard to feel disdain for people like Chandler when the main character is equally, if not more, insufferable.
If you're aiming to make an unlikeable main character, you've nailed it. But I doubt that your intention.
| Nerissa-McC chapter 8 . 4/13/2019
Quite a good story so far :) Kevin and Alison's interactions are cute, and I hope they get together! The only thing I think could be improved is that sometimes the typos are distracting. But other than that, I enjoyed reading it! :)
| Nerissa-McC chapter 7 . 4/12/2019
Cammy's a bit of a jerk, insulting Kevin for still living with his parents :( Alison's thoughts at the end are pretty depressing. Something tells me there's no way this can end without plenty of people getting hurt :(
| Nerissa-McC chapter 6 . 4/11/2019
Kevin and Alison's conversation is so cute! Kevin's father is still a jerk, but maybe not as much of one as he as earlier. I hope things do work out for Kevin and Alison!
| Nerissa-McC chapter 5 . 4/9/2019
Suddenly I have a ominous feeling things aren't going to work out between Kevin and Alison... Especially when Cammy's trying to warn Alison that Kevin might have changed. It'll definitely be a pretty long time before they get a happy ending :(
| Nerissa-McC chapter 4 . 4/8/2019
LOL at Cammy and Teri teasing Alison about Kevin! :D Poor Kevin, still having to put up with his jerk of a father :( Looking forward to when he and Alison next meet!
| Nerissa-McC chapter 3 . 4/7/2019
Talk about a dull dinner! I feel sorry for Alison, having to sit through that :( I hope her next meeting with Kevin goes well, and isn't as boring!
| Nerissa-McC chapter 2 . 4/6/2019
Some of the grammar mistakes are distracting; for example, "mines mother" should be "mine's mother". Also, the tense switches between present and past a few times. But apart from that, the story is getting pretty interesting! I wonder what'll happen now Kevin and Alison have met :)
| Nerissa-McC chapter 1 . 4/5/2019
Interesting beginning! Kevin's father is a real jerk :( I hope Kevin does move out, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next! :)
| Guest chapter 8 . 1/21/2019
Kevin sounds like typical loser millenium kid. No one like that kind of people anymore. In twenties you need to start building up. It is hard enough to know these kind of losers exist in real world. What America needs is generation stronger men and smarter female. Not these self centered twits...
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/21/2019
Do you have to make kevin loser who only dreams about girl from school. He could have bern sucessful and happy. There is noyhing wrong in it.
| SoulsandSwords chapter 2 . 12/18/2016
The only thing I have to nitpick about the present tense story-telling is that it feels a little too much like a screenplay, like you're directing these characters. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just I read it in my head as these characters are taking directions and we're not quite going into their heads and what they're thinking and feeling. Also, (this story's a year old so I imagine you're writing's improved much since then) but there were many grammar and spelling mistakes.
Aside from that, we've jumped right into the main story and have met our protagonists! I'm excited to see the chemistry between Kevin and Alison and to see what their history is together and how they've changed since knowing one another.
| SoulsandSwords chapter 1 . 12/18/2016
I love your opening. Not too flowery, and enough to paint an image and introduce our characters. I just graduated high school nearly two years ago, so I definitely understand his excitement of saying goodbye to exams and stress for at least a year.
I notice you're writing it all in present-tense. It's as if we're following along Kevin's story linearly. It's a little confusing for me since I'm so used to past-tense, but this makes it more interesting nonetheless!
I notice Kevin seems to be a little cocksure, if not arrogant. I can tell this is going to be a story of change, at least I think so. Onto the next chapter!
| cmaej chapter 1 . 10/6/2015
Here I am! And I owe you a good anal because of the shit I gave you with Zilos. Finally! We can address some important issues without me going through 20k of... you know, Zilos. ._.
First of all, we all know that shorter chapters won't help if your writing is still the same. There are still run-on sentences, flow issues, and probably a dozen other things that I missed. But that's okay, because we are going to address it NOW!
Let me start you off my issuing you a challenge for Chapter 3:
Do NOT have more than two of the following words in the same sentence:
and other words that I may have missed that you use to make a sentence longer than what it should be. You have a terrible habit of cramming as much info/action into a single sentence as possible THEN ENDING WITH WITH A LONG-WINDED, UNNATURAL-SOUNDING DIALOGUE! Also, no more than two commas per sentence. I see your pattern.
Speaking of pattern, you really need to alternate your sentence structure. Almost every paragraph in this chapter starts with either "Bart" or "Kevin." There's nothing grammatically incorrect about it, but it gets BORING!
Need an example? No worries! Here you go:
Kevin looks as his fellow classmates are leaving and sees many of his female classmates departing, wondering how many of them are ones he will see for the last time before he grasps his diploma and states," Your right Bart, I thought for a while it was pointless to do anything that might just fall apart but, you never know right? It might be fun, and—"
(end of excerpt)
I feel like this was supposed to be a sentimental moment, but it got lost in the run-on sentence and interrupted dialogue. "...wondering how many of them are ones he will see for the last time..." should be reworded so that it stood alone. This will give the reader time to absorb Kevin's thoughts and feel emotional over his post-graduation jitters.
Finally, this isn't your baby, Zilos, so EXPERIMENT! Please, I beg you, use normal dialogue tags and action beats. It will make the flow a lot better and you're not likely to make long, cumbersome sentences.