|Reviews for Darkest Blossom|
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 4/27
I'll be honest. Misaki is the most interesting character in the story. I'm not sure but I kind of find the other characters a bit...bland. Even Shuuhei. He's like the typical fight for justice guy who's a badass, only to find himself out of his depth when confronted with a monster, but given how it's early in the story, I think that's fine. There's a lot of room for development for him.
On the other hand, Misaki is very intriguing and interesting with her quirks, traditional/historical behavior, etc. Goro and Chie's reactions were a bit...stale, but whatever. It was necessary, I mean, how else are they supposed to react? No, actually, I have a ton of things to say about that below, but as always I'm a terrible writer whose advice should NEVER be taken seriously. So I wouldn't worry about that either if I were you.
Ugh...I can't really say I like slice of life so I won't comment on the transition.
The character interactions are...as I said, sort of bland. Misaki is the only interesting character here, and everyone reacts as they should...which is yeah...I mean, how do I put it? The way they act is weird? And I don't know if anticlimatic is the right word. I mean Goro goes from shock to accepting and even feeding Misaki dinner, when by right someone like him would have gone all catatonic from fear. And bloody hell, asking a shinigami how she's going to contribute to the house's finances. I mean, do you normally react like that when a girl just decapitated herself right in front of you? I imagine the poor guy would have bolted out of the house screaming bloody murder.
Given how Chie doesn't have to witness that gruesome scene, I guess she wouldn't have such an extreme reaction, but it just felt...bland to me somehow.
By the way...it is legal in Japan for cousins to marry. Just so you know.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 1 . 4/27
I never read your old style so I can't comment.
I think your battle scenes are fine, it was interesting and entertaining. The action was good, and it did its job. It was a bit different, with Misaki not owning the monster (Gluttony) in one shot, so there's that. I don't think it's as generic as you make it out to be.
That said, there were some things that puzzled me. I mean, there's the teacher being antagonistic toward Shuuhei even though he stopped the fight, and I'm trying to see what the school life has to do with anything other than to show, hey, Shuuhei is a badass who can stop a boxer and judo by himself! Well, I guess it makes sense, sort of, but...I'm not sure. Maybe it could have been done better. And then there's the flashlight thing that bothered me because it's urban Tokyo and somehow he needs to shine a flashlight on the plaza even though Tokyo is normally well lit at night. It could just be me, all these are minor details.
I'm just rambling, so ignore me. Too long, didn't read, your story is pretty good, it is NOT generic, and it's awesome. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
| Pendrop chapter 2 . 3/4/2016
It's pretty good. Your profile said you like shounen manga, and I can really get that feeling from the flow of your writing.
What I like most about your writing is that you spend time writing out scenes and expressions, but not too long that I don't get back into the dialogue and the action. The plot itself is good, but the way you went about it really supported it.
Chapter 1 gave me a pretty good look at Shuuhei's character. He seems almost like an elite: classmates borrow his notes and troublemakers fall under his hand. It almost made me think he could pass any obstacle, which makes it more interesting later when you throw in superhuman beings. The battle itself had good pacing; I was able to imagine it pretty well.
Chapter 2 felt more tame than chapter 1, which is understandable. The first half at Shuuhei's house was full of expository involving Misaki's occupation, which is good for the most part. What I found odd was when Misaki began talking about her hardships and her past up until this point, including the talk about love. No matter how clueless Misaki might be, it seems strange to talk about such a deep topic with strangers you met not even a day ago. This segment could probably be saved when they grow closer, maybe during or after a perilous battle. Just my thoughts about it.
My biggest questions revolve around Misaki. I know what kind of character you're shooting for with her, but there are certain plot holes I'd like to ask/point out. Why does she need to spend a year in the human world to gain mortality? Moreover, it sounds simple enough that she can do this without Shuuhei's assistance. What's so special about spending the year at someone's house instead of by herself? There was a line that made me do a double take too, saying 'This one appeared before Shuuhei-sama due to this one possessing looks milord finds attractive'. If I read that right, then Misaki showed up because she's Shuuhei's type!? Dude, that's awesome! But seriously, if you elaborated on it more, it'd make sense. Perhaps saying that shinigami react to people's prayers, and at the time, Shuuhei was reminded of some strange anime from looking at the monster and Misaki showed up. I don't know, but you get the idea.
Sorry for making this so long, but considering your chapters are pretty long too, I guess you don't mind, right? Ha ha. You can take any of my critique or none of it. It's just the ramblings of a fellow writer that's interested in your story. But keep it up! I like it and I can read more anytime! Later!
| cud-b-better chapter 2 . 2/5/2016
And another good chapter it's a shame that I'm already caught up, me want more. Can't really tell whether Chie is actually serious about Shuuhei or not but I love the interactions. I just hope when the action restarts Shuuhei won't be the useless damsel in distress. Kind of curious about what Misaki was saying about a previous lover before tea interrupted. Kind of surprised the brother simply allowed her to stay just because he learned they wouldn't be out of pocket. I can sense there being an uproar when a blue haired girl turns up to school, hope we get some of the school life drama, you've got the foundation to do a lot with this story and I hope you spread it across all the multiple genres. I've got this feeling that Chie is probably going to get in trouble with a sin soon, whether it trys to corrupt her or just simply attack her, she's going to learn Misaki's secret soon, as having a female friend she can converse with is important in these kinds of stories.
Anyway so far so good, keep it up!
| cud-b-better chapter 1 . 2/4/2016
Well I think this is the first time I've read anything of yours and now I'm kicking myself for putting it off for so long.
I see is this going to be a story of a girl trying to become mortal. Kind of surprised that Shuuhei didn't seem all that bothered that a schoolmate had just been killed, I thought he would go into some sort of denial, glad he's strong of heart. I felt the battle was very well done but despite Misaki's high and mighty attitude the thing she considered lower than her laid down quite a beating. The choreography was solid which allowed me to follow with ease and not scrunch my eyes. The bad thing with fights when the protagonist is immortal is that there is no real sense of urgency which in turn lowers the suspense. This could maybe be fixed by placing Shuuhei himself in the main dilemma. Anyway a good start a reaper/shinigami heroine is already a big win for me.
Well considering a Gluttony appeared I presume the other six cardinal sins will as well. Looking forward to the blossoming of friendship between the mortal and immortal.
| DevilPogoStick chapter 1 . 1/31/2016
Huh, that's weird, I thought I reviewed this chapter...Oh well, time to start anew! XD
I thought this is a neat start. It establishes what Shuuhei is. He may be snarky and all but he does have a sense of doing what's right, as seen as when he came over to handle the situation that could have gone worse if he wasn't there to settle it. Chie and Takumi are neat friends in the sense that they care...But they don't take Shuuhei's crap when it comes around. It's a bit of tough love but that is what makes most friendships strong.
Well, the action was good, shows just how combat works out in this tale, and the ending was decent, has that feel of an episode ending.
Keep it up!
| Psykofreac chapter 1 . 1/19/2016
Well your scenery descriptions are rather vivid and it helps with that fight with the Gluttony near the end of the chapter. Internal descriptions however, I have doubts about your style. Many of us, myself included, like to voice character thoughts in italics, but it seems to be your modus operandi whenever Shuuhei's thoughts are concerned.
There was one instant when it was averted but I don't know if that was a case of inconsistency, still it appears that this is how you plan to detail all his thoughts. I'm not sure if it's a result of trying to be unique or whatever but this style feels like it's stuck on the fence between first person and third person but with limits on what either can achieve.
The format is third person but if you're going for lengthy voiced thought for example, it would look really jarring outside of first person. I like to think of POV characters as sort of partners who we experience a story with rather than through, I'm not sure how that would work here however, but good luck however you manage.
Anyways, the only character who I found really stood out so far is Misaki due to her mystery and mannerisms. We hardly learned anything about Shuuhei other than that he's class representative and that he likes stepping in when others are in trouble. I think your prose style might have also limited our exploration of Shuuhei even though he's supposed to be the main point of view character.
Misaki didn't come in until later though(okay technically there was the bit at the start but not significant enough), so the earlier half of the chapter was really slow in my opinion. After that however, it really picked up, the Gluttony thing was pretty creepy and I enjoyed that.
I guess it was okay so far even though eight thousand words is a little long for a chapter.
| dmasterxd chapter 1 . 1/5/2016
Alright, first off the opening scene definitely did its job and hooked me in. Really like Shuuhei, he's unique enough while still feeling relatable. Chie (a tsundere isn't annoying with it) and Misaki (gotta love the old English speak) are pretty good too. You did well with the fight scenes. And while I liked both but if I were to be completely honest I enjoyed the SoL scenes more. Thought the interactions between the characters were engaging, mainly the trio of Shuuhei, Chie, and Takumi. Pacing and escalation was also really good (I'm a bit jealous on that one actually haha). And that Nekopara reference got a good laugh out of me haha. Also "My savior is a cosplay girl...?! And a cosplayer girl who talks like she's stuck in the past?!"
I honestly don't have much I dislike in this so far, but if I HAD to pick something, it would probably Goro. Because as of right now, he just feels like a comic relief character which I've never been fond of. But it's only the first chapter so I don't wanna fault him too much for that plus it could change. But aside from that minor little detail, this was a good chapter and I look forward to seeing more.
| Natsuki Nanami chapter 1 . 12/24/2015
Sorry for the late review, I'll keep this brief.
Well, I skip the opening part since I don't know what happened. And then, we introduced to Shuuhei, a kinda stereotype MC who has average live and his brother, Go...go...I forget his name(do they still has parents?).
And the rest is...well, an average school life where there are a Tsundere Pettanko, a pervert(I stopped reading and opened a tab to Nekopara manga), two fighting guys, and...a suspicious girl. Seriously, that Madoka girl is really suspicious for me, maybe I'll know it later.
And the figthing part, I think you did a good job on how to describe that fighting part, not too long words but still descriptive.
And finally Misaki, the Shinigami. She is really badass and really fit to be main heroine. Although, it's really hard to read what she's talking about.
And the final part...I hope the onii-san will be okay, I mean he got rejected in the blind date while his brother almost 'get laid with a girl'. TL;DR you did a really great job in the first chapter.
| HidenoriET chapter 1 . 12/23/2015
First scene and ouchhhh, them violent scene. Yoda she sounds, mortal she not? But I guess that’s what media res scenes does, though personally I thought it would be better to switch the first two paragraphs’ positions. It makes the scene more intense for the readers, but again, that’s just me.
Slice of life scenes with strawberry-hating-kun, runway-chan and pervy-san :3 It’s nice how you tried to set up their close relationship with casual jabs here and there, and there’s the school fight! One thing I realised was how you described the fighting so visually. If you want to have a fast paced action fight in school, I suggest cutting down the words. And also add more descriptions to the two guys to spice up their description.
Also, the boxer and judo part threw me off a little, considering it would be hard to define who’s what despite their actions. We wouldn’t have known their talents, unless you could try describing them alittle before the fight. Maybe, have Shuu recognise one of them (maybe because that guy went to competitions/ a school jock/ anything goes). And we get to see Shuu being a badass by pinning them down single handedly :3 I’m surprised the teacher was rather cool with the scene and Shuu got away with a warning at most. An ex-delinquent eh? I never knew considering the way he hated them strawberry bread o but I guess he would be one helluva fighter. And Sakamoto…woah I would’ve freaked out if I’m eating beside him. Was he possessed by a glutton monster? it seems to be that way but interesting description there. *scrolls down* woah i was right about that! And Misaki’s almost god…well, she’s a shinigami, but to be able to survive all that torture ouch. So despite being a shinigami, Misaki’s someone that’s still visible to the public? I do enjoy the touch of her scar behind the back though looks so badass in my head fufu. Dat awkward intrusion and that’s the end of the first chapter.
The chapter is a good read, though you could clean up the fighting scenes alittle. fights don’t usually last long in between sequences so the sentences should compliment it by being short too. make them carry impact, and sometimes not showing too much is a good thing. Some fights are best recreated in the reader’s mind, but that’s my two cents.
Thanks for the read! :)
| Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 12/9/2015
The following is a reaction oriented review. My thoughts on earlier portions change as I read.
The beginning of the chapter is decently engrossing. I'm not sure if it's something you should leave that short though since perhaps your readers might like a bit more of the macabre deets you excel at. Something to consider.
As for first impressions, I'll skip the opening for Shuuhei since we're obviously missing information. Right off the bat I can't really tell how old he is, but perhaps he's kinda lazy as he's put off shopping? Maybe he's picky too, strawberry bread is great!
When Goro arrives on scene, I think he might be a brother or roommate and then he's brother confirmed. Muddled dialogue ahead. I'm thinking maybe the tie also hates strawberry bread. Or maybe the tie scene should have been eliminated.
School? Late? No bread? Coffeeeeeeeeeee! Chie, check. Hyperactivity is GO!
And Takumi reminds me of that one guy we all know of who plays an unhealthy amount of Street Fighter and has a Felicia obsession. Oh, not SF. Missed the brunette color code. Thunder-Nyan? Lightning Warrior Raidy? Hehe. Takumi seems like he's pretty sleezy.
Sarcasm in everything. It's as biting as a blizzard so I'm not sure if /sarcasm is needed honestly. Flip a coin?
Hmm, maybe describing the morning could be cut and just have a conversation about it at the lunch table after- Oh, Nekopara. That's the gist of the VN in his bag.
Ok, fight scene now?
Shuuhei isn't bad. Go team ex-badboy. High school age too. Possibly sixteen?
Oops, now we're at a ramen shop, yummy. And the other dude comes in all gross and stuff.
Eh? Well isn't that fun. No good deed goes unpunished. Good thing there's the blue haired bombshell herself coming in to save the day. Dayum.
Welp, I think the opening is appropriately short since the rest of it is here. Maybe it should be more bloody?
The rest of the chapter is quite nice. Shuuhei is definitely more pushy than I thought. Misaki herself is a little more subservient in the same vein though I guess being a shinigami might do that. Bit of perverted comedy at the end there adds to the story too.
Overall I'd say your first chapter gives a great first impression with an already high level of polish. I daresay I don't understand why you don't write more of it. Things I didn't like were probably Chie and to an extent Takumi. I think that's mostly with how they're presented thus far. I've liked similar characters in other works so I feel once they're more fleshed out, I'll get a better feel for them.