|Reviews for Feel The Burnsie|
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 1/13/2016
Hi there! Thought I’d drop by and read one of your many pieces! And after watching the SotU yesterday and being a fan of Bernie, I couldn’t resist this. I should also let you know that whenever I review, I’m in workshop mode and most things I say is meant to be constructive, not negative.
[The guy lives in Burlington] I thought this was really funny!
Mark said his life wasn’t great over lunch at Olive Garden—I think it would be helpful to know the details. Just one to two sentences to paint a quick portrait and readers can know in what way it would be successful would be helpful in making the character more engaging.
Out of curiosity, why use a fictional college (unless Green is real?) when you mention other real schools like UMass?
I like the part about Mark mentioning that he had to be so fake friendly as a waiter that outside of his job, he just appreciates alone time. I think that’s really good in speaking to the kind of person he is.
[discussing income inequality, healthcare reform… and single payer healthcare] Okay, while Sanders may touch on all of those issues, I feel that to the average person (and especially to someone as politically inactive as Mark), only a few will speak to him. The people who really care about the crumbling middle class are not necessarily the same people who really care about climate change. Rather than list a bunch of Bernie’s campaign topics, it would be much fore beneficial for your story if we get to know what stances on which issues Bernie has taken that particularly speak to Mark, which can give us insight on what Mark is like.
[She was horse from all the screaming] hoarse
I would like to know why Claire is on a gap year not doing much; perhaps it’s for a legitimate reason—maybe she’s trying to work and save up some money to pay for college. But as someone who was on student council in high school, and wants to be politically active, I think Claire needs a really good reason to be taking a gap year without a plan for the future.
I thought the “Feel the Burnsie” line was really sweet and cute. I also thought her line about wanting to see Mark as well as Bernie was really sweet.
[throws of their ecstasy] throes
So my biggest issue with the story is that I’m not convinced Mark is nearly heroic enough for Claire to fawn over him. After being a non-political supporter, he instantly gravitates to Trump (perhaps jokingly), astoundingly immaturely complains about how Claire cheers more for Bernie than high school football (he actually pouts). He seems like a totally decent guy and I believe he has the potential to act heroic, but I’m not convinced the way he is portrayed right now. If anything, Claire seems much more sophisticated than he is.
And just a thought, I don’t think one person has to be a hero in the eyes of another for that person to fall in love with him/her. Maybe Claire loves Mark because he’s reliable, or goofy, or listens or whatever, and maybe that makes him admirable in her eyes, but then it would be helpful for her to outline that instead of hero worshipping. He’s no Bernie Sanders.
[connecting on a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical level] This is one of those lines that would be a lot more convincing shown rather than told to readers. And I actually think if you can checklist these connections, the romance between Claire and Mark would be a lot more convincing:
Mental: Bernie’s speech might have affected Mark internally, but all after the rally the only reaction Claire sees is him complaining about how she never cheered at his football games. Especially since he actually agreed with Bernie’s stances, maybe he and Claire can discuss politics or he can admit his views changed somewhat? Or maybe when he’s “impressed by her passion and fight,” he tells her so instead of just thinks it?
Emotional: They were both hesitant because of Eddie, they both kinda feel in the dumps. This is fertile ground for emotional exploration, and I’d like to see that bit expanded.
Spiritual: On the page, I feel like this is a combo of mental and emotional, so I’ll just leave it as that.
Physical: I think you have that covered pretty well. ;)
Anyway, I’m just throwing out questions if you ever decide to do a revision. I really do love the idea of two young people gathering at a political rally and realizing their love for each other. The idea is really, really sweet, and I think with some fine tuning, this story could be really well executed.
| DTF chapter 4 . 11/11/2015
I finally got a chance to read you work, ya know, at 12AM.
I loved the story. It was cute. I knew by the description that I would fall in love. It had an old fashion Dill-feel with a modern twist. Love it.
| DianyRdz chapter 1 . 10/14/2015
Definitely one of your more cute stories Dill, love how she could have gone to Boston to the rally but instead chose to go see him. Clueless him actually apologizes for her missing it, like hello? She wanted to see him too! Like Claire said, it was admirable of him not to pursue anything with her because of his respect to his friend and her parents. I mean he is literally worried and she is the one that is more free and open to them doing this and being together. Not saying he isn’t but the “guilt” and the whole growing uo thing still nags at him. He should not doubt himself like he did when he was self-consciously asking what she could see in him. People will always be watching us, what we do, what we don’t do. Without him realizing, she saw him as her hero which I think is totally sweet. I mean he knew that she had a thing for him and I think it’s cute how he is literally in awe of this going on. If it had to in a certain order I would say discovery goes with everything (sex, politics and romance) for this particular story. Seeing Claire again and realizing that she has grown up. The rally goes with the politics while discovering that maybe Bernie Sanders and his take on things isn’t as far off as he had originally perceived (discovering abit more about himself). The romance between them when he sees her sleeping, discovering he wants to kiss and touch her yet he holds back.. The sex of course discovering that there is definitely more than just weekend sex between them, actual love. Yay for another great story Dill, as always great to read.