|Reviews for An Apocalypse to Remember (3rd Draft)|
| Dlombardi chapter 2 . 2/17/2017
The plot is thickening! Good intro. It was a bit of a challenge following the dialogue with so many people being introduced though. Found some minor grammar mistakes, but nothing proofreading wouldn't cure. Also, it would help if you wrote in the main character's POV. It may help the audience with following the storyline. One last thing, with so many characters entering the scene, it would help a lot if you describe them even scarcely so that the reader can imagine how they look like. Is the nurse older? Younger?
Are the 'in thought' italicized words coming from the main character?
Don't forget possible cliffhangers!
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 3 . 1/28/2017
The plot of the story gets better with each chapter! There are still a few small things, things that I have already mentioned, that need to be cleaned up, but this was a good chapter! There was plenty of action and drama. It was nice to find out what happened to Lucas's parents and the ending of it left me wanting more! Nice work!
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 2 . 1/20/2017
Again, you have a really good thing started here. There are just a few things that need to be cleaned up, such as watching your tenses, clarifying sentences, and capitalization of proper nouns. I don't have a whole lot to say other than that (most of what I said in the previous review is relevant to this chapter as well :)) I liked the references to World War Z and The Walking Dead. I've never seen The Walking Dead, but I have seen World War Z and that helps the reader to imagine the chaos that is occurring within the story (Warm Bodies by Isaac Martin would make a good book reference). I like the pace of the story, it doesn't slow down and the scenes don't drag on. Can't wait to read more!
| Dlombardi chapter 1 . 1/16/2017
Much better than the first!
You need to watch out for some minor grammatical errors and typos. And this sentence was a little confusing, "He asked, panting from his partners frightened encouragement." What encouraged him? Or was Nicole encouraging him through her words? Maybe the sentence structure needs revising because I couldn't understand what you were trying to convey.
Also there's an overuse of the word "whilst." It's an archaic word for starters, and it should be carefully used as such. I'm sure there are other words to replace it with, such as just "while." Just don't use whilst so loosely; it kinda stands out in the sentence and takes from the overall message of the sentence too.
I like how Lucas is more engaging in this one; it's a lot easier to imagine what's going on, the chaos, the frantic motions of his neighbors; it's a lot more realistic. You've done better with the descriptions for the characters, but don't forget the environment as well! :)
Overall, better intro. What happened in the end though? Seems like it was cut short!
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 1 . 1/15/2017
Before I give the constructive criticism that you requested, I just want to say that you have a very good plot line started. I liked that I was thrown into the action, that there was not a lot of buildup to what was going on. I am not a huge zombie-like infection fan, I never have been, but I really do think that you have a good start to a story here.
One thing that I would watch is shifting between past and present tense. The fifth paragraph was the first time that I saw this occur. It also occurred when Lucas was attempting to drive the Jeep.
When I tried to write my first action scene, I went online and researched the best way to make it flow. The one thing that I kept finding was to use short sentences. It makes it flow a lot easier and makes the tempo of the story faster.
Also, when proofreading, make sure that you do not have your letters capitalized when they should not be, such as after a speaking line. (That is just a really big pet peeve of mine. It is not really a major concern, but it is just something to keep in mind.)
One of your comments when you reviewed my chapter was long and chunky sentences. You mentioned that you did it too sometimes, and in this chapter I saw that happen many times, so I just wanted to bring it to your attention as something to keep in mind in the future. It does not take a lot to break it up, even just a few commas thrown in would make the sentence flow better. One sentence that I would definitely recommend revising is. "Just before you reached the blue bridge that lead into Garden City there's an army cadets base, where weapons with live ammunition and soldiers trained to use them were staying so they should be rolling out eventually to sort out the mess unfolding around them, which was a a lightening thought, but now it seemed unlikely." I do not really know what you are trying to say here. Do you mean that it is supposed to be a no brainer that the army cadets are not going to try and sort out the mess? Are they going to go and sort out the mess? Also, you slipped into second person here when you have been using first person. You also used the word "lead" incorrectly (at least in American grammar). "Lead" here can refer to "lead the way" or "lead paint", if that makes sense. The proper word is "led". I saw this earlier in your story, but I was not sure if that was a thing for U.K. grammar.
I do not understand why Lucas locked the front door if the glass in the back door was knocked out by the man. Perhaps you could add something like "He grabbed the key off the hook and got out of his house quickly, locking it from the outside in a panic, but once outside he felt as if he had really entered the danger". That is just my suggestion. I do not really know what would be the best fix for it, but just as a consistency thing, I would suggest editing that sentence.
I would have liked to have seen a little more action between the hooded man and Lucas. It would have been beneficial for your story if you had made it a more intense brawl, with Lucas possibly getting a few scrapes or something. You want to be careful of Gary-sue's. I am also a little confused on who ended up with the knife. I thought that Lucas had managed to get it since the sentence read, "...kicking his shins until Lucas fell over onto his back and the knife was successfully taken". It later made it appear as though Lucas had not successfully gotten the knife.
Also, be sure to capitalize brand names, such as Converse and Jeep.
When Nicole fell, it would be better to explain what injuries he sustained, a twisted ankle, a scrape, something instead of just saying that "in the process he injured himself". I also feel like whenever he broke the window and did not want to "risk cutting himself" that if the situation had been real, he would have been willing to get injured to escape the infected and because it would also save time and give them a better chance to escape.
I would also recommend ending a chapter with dialogue breaking off abruptly. I understand that you are trying to make it a suspenseful ending, but it makes it to abrupt. It is difficult for the reader to cope with. A little bit of detail to why he broke off in mid-word, even just a short little sentence, would make it flow easier.
Overall, you have a very good start to a story. It just needs a little tweaking, but no one is capable of writing a perfect story. I know that my own stories are far from it, but I hope that this will be able to help you a little.
| TheDorkyCelestialFlame chapter 21 . 12/18/2016
I swear Ellie's infected huhu
| the-lemon-snake chapter 3 . 12/15/2016
:O What's up next! The next chapter! Needs to reads.
| the-lemon-snake chapter 1 . 12/14/2016
I love it! Really had me on the edge of my seat.
| Guest chapter 13 . 10/12/2016
Very, very good story. Keep them coming!
| AriaLockheart chapter 4 . 8/28/2016
The storyline is still fantastic. Don't want to be a party pooper but just go through your chapters again. I spotted a few words that didn't sound right in some of the sentences. Also was it supposed to say "nephew" not "grandson" towards the end of this chapter? Anyway, I am still really enjoying this read. It's definitely becoming a favourite.
| AriaLockheart chapter 1 . 8/28/2016
Wow. Just read the first chapter and I am really enjoying the story so far.
| TheDorkyCelestialFlame chapter 10 . 8/21/2016
I was paranoid at first like I thought something horrible is gonna happen.
| TheDorkyCelestialFlame chapter 7 . 8/21/2016
Last thing they need is to be separated but this is good!
| TheDorkyCelestialFlame chapter 6 . 8/21/2016
What a tragedy huhuhu many loved ones have been lost
| Walkerfan chapter 1 . 8/3/2016
Interesting first chapter dude. I like how you delved straight into the action. Lucas seems like an interesting character.
One piece of advise, shorten your sentences and bulk up your paragraphs. You have all these overly long, run on sentences. They ruin the flow of the story.