Reviews for An Unmarked Grave
QueenBeePress chapter 5 . 1/6/2016
I'm actually in love with this, it's vague at some points which just creates even more mystery, yet the short chapters are very efficient at getting enough information across for the storyline to be captivating. As a side, I haven't noticed any grammatical or mechanics usage issues either. This is really good writing!
TheNameOfARiver chapter 4 . 1/3/2016
Wow! That was a close encounter with
Murphy Chapelwood chapter 4 . 11/28/2015
In the beginning of the fight, Gallows throws away his leather jacket. He does take a fighting stance, which displays some level of training. If you wanted to make him seem more experienced, he could have used the jacket as a shield or distraction, as actual leather cloaks were used historically in small arms fights. It's the basis for "cloak and dagger" which may have its own allegorical uses in your story. Even if Knifeseer defeats him just as effortlessly it improves the reader's impression on the respective skill of both combatants.

As to characters, Gallows is developing. You establish he's charitable in the burying of a stranger's corpse, and he's got courage when confronted with his uncle, and that he has a deeply troubled relationship with his family of were-ravens. Knifeseer is disdainful and dismissive of humans, violent (but so far not totally without purpose - the hidden danger the messenger posed, and the audience members to get Gallows' attention), and also him delivering the message personally, putting on the show, seems to point to him wishing Gallows would return to the family.

Its good you gave us all this before going into any lengthy exposition on the history and nature of were-ravens. That was good planning. Now you have Gallows' friends as a place-holder for the reader so that you can reveal backstory in a more naturalistic way.
Murphy Chapelwood chapter 3 . 11/28/2015
"...The crowd was roaring as the lights went pitch black. Nothing visible except for the lighters..."

A problem crept up in this chapter that hadn't happened before, and that is repetition of words too closely to one another. It can be done, but it has to be intentional and for effect. Here, and throughout, it felt like you were struggling for a word to describe the room. Examples: auditorium, club, concert hall, gym, etc. "The auditorium went pitch black."

Also, "Suddenly" is all over the last paragraph. The smell of blood and sensing others like him, the lights going out unexpectedly, these all create the atmosphere of tension, and without the "Suddenly's" you could just narrate the action, they actually create this continuous pause that jerks the reader out of the moment.

By the way, Gallows being a singer makes a lot of sense. Were-bird, birds like to sing, he's a singer. It gels. The revelation that Knifeseer is his uncle is interesting, too.
Murphy Chapelwood chapter 2 . 11/28/2015
""And you DARE bring me this!?" A man in a brown duster exchanged an envelope with a gnarled and feathered hand."

First, Congratulations on Separating Action from Dialogue! I review writers all the time, writers with dozens of chapters, thousand and thousands of words, and piles of reviews, and virtually always have to critique them on this fact. If you have a character do something next to dialogue you don't need "he said" "she said" around it, and especially don't tack action onto a dialogue tag after a comma. Well done.

That being said, I believe the man in the brown duster is the messenger with the gun. So in this instance, you'd want the subject of this sentence to be the person speaking, Knifeseer (good name). So you'd just swap it around and have the "...gnarled and feather hand accepting the envelope from a man in a brown duster." Or something similar.

"The man fidgeted, hovering his gun..."

Is his hand hovering over his holstered gun?

"...guffawing laughter."

The word guffawing includes the word laughter.

""Oh Gal-il-leeeeo! Are you playing with your telescope in there?""

That is a very subtle masturbation joke.
Murphy Chapelwood chapter 1 . 11/28/2015
"The crickets had mostly shut up... the birds just beginning."

Mostly/almost/some/seems/appears to be/etc are all vague descriptors that distract from the
strength of other words. Try avoiding them as much as possible in narration. Also, this sentence is set up where there is a possible confusion to what is happening. Are the birds just beginning to shut up? I'm guessing they're starting to sing, but that's not how it reads at first to unfamiliar eyes.

The amount of ellipses is distracting, but I generally disapprove of their use outside of dialogue, anyway. I feel like many places they could just be periods. It would give your narration a sharp, clipped feeling, but that might actually be appropriate.
TheNameOfARiver chapter 2 . 11/9/2015
ravens too have telescope? or its just he is were-raven that's why he has a telescope? any way good chapter...
TheNameOfARiver chapter 1 . 11/5/2015
he popped the corps' eyes out? now thats strange! i hope you continue this... or it was a one chapter story?